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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It doesn't matter when I'm coming home to you...


My mind's on overdrive once again tonight. So many thoughts racing through my head && here I am, powerless to stop it. Its an awful feeling when you feel like you have to choose. Choose to do whats right, what your heart tells you to do as well as your head, when you aren't too sure what the right thing really is. Or if there really is a such thing as a wrong decision in this case. Not that it matters one way or another. Emotions just make things so damn difficult. Why can't women be more like men? Aren't they supposed to be made of steel or something?..

I just keep thinking of what's to come in my life these upcoming years. I'm not quite sure I'm prepared for any of it, not that you can prepare for anything in life. You have to take it one day at a time. Handle life's hurdles as they are thrown at you. It terrifies me to leave everything behind. My family. My father. We've always been close, but in the past year the bond between us has done nothing but gotten stronger. His health isn't as well as he plays it off to be && his reluctance to get things checked out frightens me. The thought of me being so far away && anything happening to him, well, its something I can barely think about, and knowing that I can't be right there by his side doesn't make things any better. 3 years is a long time. I worry that I'm just not up to it. Of course I will be. I will follow and stand by my husbands side for my whole life. He is my soul mate, the only person in this world that gets me.. But that doesn't make anything any easier. I feel like by me leaving I'm letting certain people that are close to me down...

I know, I'm little miss negative. I'm moving to Hawaii. I should be estatic and I am excited, very excited but I know that once we are settled in, a new reality will hit. I plan to go back to school, work on my career, establish a new life of my own, possibly start a family even... But then the time comes for him to deploy. I'm a mess with him simply being gone a little over 3 months, much longer will devastate me. My life, once again, will just be at a stand-still. I'll go through the motions but there won't be much feeling there. Staying in Hawaii, alone, isn't what I really want to do. I know I have the option to come home and stay... But its like all of the progress that I make, the new life that I've started, I'm supposed to just put it on hold, move somewhere else, start over... Wait for him, then pick up where I left off? I know you can't have everything simply perfect, but still.. I know my thoughts will become more clearer. I'll begin to adjust and things will work themselves out. Just at the moment, I'm having difficulty seeing that far into the future. I don't mean to sound selfish or as if I am only thinking about myself. I respect my husband and that fact that he joined the Army, that he wants to make the military a career && that he is doing all that he can to provide for me. I am truely thankful to that. Its just figuring out whether I am going to be able to handle a life like this.. Its just very difficult to make and well, to even think of making, some of the sacrafices that will have to be made... And well, its just scarey.