I'm taking it day by day. Cherishing every GOOD thing that happens. Focusing on the POSITIVE of everyday. I want to make my marriage work. I want to have a happy, healthy family for my son. Maybe if I back off just a little bit and not focus on every little thing that upsets me, brush off the things that need to be brushed off, all of us will be happier and in a better place.

I am anxiously awaiting my acceptance packet for school. The days are draaaagging by slower and slower as I wait for the mail. (funny how time slows when you are waiting for something.) This is the first time in a long time that I've felt proud of myself. I have put off school for so long, whether it be because of moving or some excuse. I am just ready to get my degree and have a career. I'm ready to be a mother my son can be proud of.

The holidays are approaching so quickly this year. Actually, I guess its safe to say, as they do every year. So much shopping to get done and I don't even know where to begin!! It is going to be wonderful, though, getting to be a family this year. Little monkey will have his daddy here this year :)

Its almost here. This past year is just about over. Did I honestly see myself making it to this point? I knew I would get through it. As a army wife that is what you do - push, press, deal, and "get" through life without your husband by your side. But I thought I would be more prepared for his homecoming. For the reality that will set in after he has been home and the new-ness is gone. The thought of it actually terrifies me as much as it excites me. He left simply me. He's coming back to a family and a life I've had to establish while he was away. The last thing I want to sound like is ungrateful or selfish. I want my husband home. If I had things my way, he would be walking through my front door at this very moment in time. However, we have both changed. We have both been through a lot this year. How will our communication be? Open or restricted? We do not get to speak much now. We only discuss daily topics - general things. Nothing in depth. No worries, hopes, dreams, fears, emotions... Am I silly to be worried? Things should simply fall into place, right? But will they?

It has been brought to my attention, on more than one occasion, that I tend to speak without thinking. From personal experience, I know words can be brutal. However, I never thought I would be the one pulling that trigger. When and where I lost my sensitivity, I've yet to discover. Who would have thought not thinking before you speak would be such a hard habit to break? Tonight, however, I do believe I did just fine. Sometimes I wonder when is the time for me to unload and when should I keep quiet. A friend made several unnecessary comments tonight -- partially regarding things she has never experienced therefore her opinion means nothing, and the other part, was simply rude. At least when I spit off at the mouth, my words simply come out wrong and for the most part, I don't mean to sound like such a bitch. Tonight, however, I feel as if the comments were directed at me in a mean way. Oh well. I'm threw with focusing and dealing with individuals that mean nothing. Friends do not mistreat friends, right? Therefore, if she continuously disrespects me, it shouldn't be too difficult to take our "friendship" to an "acquaintance" level. Fine by me either way. I'm on a high. My world is almost back to perfect. Nothing and nobody is going to take that from me.

These past few days have been... different. I don't know how else to categorize it. My thought process isn't right... It's very off. I cannot seem to get into the swing of things. No motivation (when I have every reason to have motivation...) I just feel like I cannot dig myself out of this huge whole, instead, I just keep digging myself a little bit deeper.

I'm working on keeping my head up. I can't even say that I am so down because he is gone. Granted, it is far from the easiest thing in the world, but I have it engraved in my mind that we do not have too much longer. I'm not too sure the reason. All I'm certain of is that I do not like it. Not one bit.

Fear.

It is a very scary feeling.

Helpless.

Not being in control is something I have a very tough time handling.

Letting go of it all & placing it into God's hands. I'm working very hard on doing this. Being a control freak is a horrible trait of mine. In every aspect of my life I have to be able to plan and know the specifics of everything. Military life + those traits do not mix well together. Life in general doesn't mix too well, but when somebody else is constantly calling the shots, its even worse. I'm trying to wrap my head around & live by the Serenity prayer. I need it now more than ever.

You used to be my rock, the person who made everything okay. I admired so much about you and strived to be like you -- but you overlooked me. How was I to know how terrible things truly was? That you didn't have it together as well as I believed. I never knew the problems were so huge and awful, even then. I never would have dreamed that you would allow them to overcome you as you have. I still cannot believe how they have made your priorities change. It tears me apart inside that these "problems" you are completely aware of yet refuse to do a thing about and how you place them above everything else. I know for a fact I will never be able to forgive you nor forget what you have put the people I care most about as well as myself through -- especially since you never seem to show any remorse nor acknowledgement towards any of it.

I've decided to not follow a guide, if there is something on my mind, I'm going to vent. There's too much flowing in this head of mine. Someway, somehow I am going to have to be able to collect my thoughts and make sense of everything.

I'm lonely. Thats about the simplest way to express my current state. There's only so much time a single person can spend alone before it begins to eat at them. I miss him. The time that he has left is diminishing, but still not quickly enough to spare the tears and the emptiness inside. My little guy helps me get through everyday and while its not fair to put so much on him, he is what gets me through. That and of course, knowing this deployment isn't forever. Too bad logical thinking can't beat emotions when they get the best of you.

I've been tossing back and forth the decision to go back to work. Part of me thinks its just too soon and not worth my time. One parent is going to miss so many little moments with him, why should both of us when one of us has the choice not to? A little extra money simply isn't worth it. But then on the other hand, having a little "adult" time is a necessity to keep my sanity and the extra money would be beneficial. Oh, decisions, decisions.

I never ever could imagine how something could instantly change your entire life forever. How something could change your perspective, views, moods, & everything else so immensely. I love my little boy so much <3

August has proven to be quite interesting. Entering the last month of my pregnancy, bringing closer the day that my husband's arms are finally wrapped around me, and simply just a lot of growth. I see some things so much more clearly now, more so than I ever have. But then on the other hand, some things are just as foggy. But... its progress. & Lord knows, progress is what I need.
I've realized a lot. I run my mouth a lot. (not behind peoples backs persay, anything I have to say, I'm perfectly capable of saying face-to-face.) However, I need to grow up in ways such as that. I don't ALWAYS have to have something to say. I've always been a good listener. Sometimes I need to keep it that way. Restrict throwing in my opinion and simply listen. That's a goal for the rest of this year.
Anyways. What's been going on the past little bit? Tyler is working fast at getting here & my body simply cannot keep up. I'm exhausted 99% of the time & while I push myself, I still can't seem to get anything done that needs to be done. I am so ready for all of this stress to be OVER with.
Baby showers went wonderful thanks to some amazing individuals that I am so very blessed to have in my life. Work is being very understanding, which is always great. Being on my feet is killing me, though. Heck, being off my feet isn't much better anymore lol.
R&R is getting super duper close & I'm so very excited! I have lots planned for my hubs. Some surprises he could never ever imagine :) I'm just praying they all work out! I want his time home to be amazing!
Anywho, I've decided to restart a new challenge or as for today, just a srvey, since I'm horrible at completing them!! Ha. At least it gives me something to do on lonely nights like this one!!

A - Age - 22
B - Bed Size - Queen. Only for the time being. Please believe when it comes time for me to head back to Hawaii, a king we will be buying! The hubs may not be a big ol' guy, but he sure is a bed hog!
C - Chore you dislike - Bathrooms. Mainly because the roomie sheds like a dog haha. Within a day or so, it looks like I haven't touched a thing.
D - Dogs - Sadly, I have none. One more thing that has to wait until our return to the island.
E - Essential start to your day - Well, consistant movement & kicks in my belly for the past couple of months :)
F - Favorite color - Pink. I'm a girl, what can I say?
G - Gold or silver - Silver. WHITE gold :)
H - Height - 5'4
I - Instruments you've played - I'm musically challenged. Can't really play instruments or sing ha. But I really do want to learn to play the guitar.
J - Job title - Pharmacy Technician.
K - Kids - Tyler :) Who is due to make his appearance VERY soon!!
L - Live - Oboring, KY at the moment.
M - Mom's name - Pam
N - Nicknames - Jennie Beane, Baby Mama, Hot Mama (thanks to the roomie & the girlies at work lol)
O - Overnight hospital stays - Hmm.. delivery soon will be my one and only.
P - Pet peeves - Liars, cheaters, fake people.
Q - Quote from a movie - Hmm.. its late & I can't really think at the moment.
R - Righty or lefty - Lefty
S - Siblings - 2 AWESOME brother-in-laws, if that counts :)
T - Time you wake up - As of now, it all depends on when I have to work.
U - Underwear - Cute ones
V - Vegetables that you don't like - Spinich.
W - What makes you run late - Myself. That extra 15 minutes of sleep.
X - X-rays you've had - Plenty of my sinus cavity, chest xrays...
Y - Yummy food you make - I'm not that great of a cook, but I can make some awesome enchilladas.
Z - Zoo animals - Penguins & dolphins

How do you overcome that emptiness during deployment? I stay about as busy as I can, but anymore it just isn't enough. Maybe its just the typical excessive emotions of being almost 8 months pregnant that's making it worse. Who knows. I'm just overwhelmed with missing him. The thought of him not being here for the birth of our little boy terrifies me. I have this gut feeling that something just isn't going to go as planned. (Plans never work out, right?) And I just, I need him here. That is all there is to it. Nobody compares to him. He has the ability to calm me down, to put my mind at ease. Ugh. I know I'm having my own little pity party here. Forgive me. I just want him home, thats all.

Anyways.... for my little 30 days thingy....

Day 6

Your Favorite Quote

Day 5

Ideal Future Career

My dream has always been to work with kids. A pediatric nurse would be ideal for me. Once things calm down with my delivery and the constant moving, I plan on making this dream come true.

Day 4

A Song You Want Played At Your Wedding...

So, it may sound a little cliche, but Marry Me by Train. Something about that song just melts my heart & it always brings the hubs to my mind & a smile to my face. I can envision us dancing close & gazing into each others eyes. Haha. I kno, gag me, right??! But seriously. I just think its sweet & cute.

Day 3

Post A YouTube Video

http://youtu.be/R4eCShaB1SU

I'm not quite sure how to post the actual video on here so a link will have to do :) Anyway, this is a video/song by a fellow marine Tyler Toliver. His voice and this song has completely touched my heart, it is somewhat an encore to Carrie Underwood's Just A Dream, but from the soldier's point of view. I absolutley love it & just thought that I would share :)

Day 2

A Picture Of Your Favorite Animal

I'm quite simple. I absolutley love dogs. Yes, penguins, I love them too, but to be more practical I love doggies :)

New 30 Day Challenge :)

We shall see if I can actually keep this one up :)

Day 1 - A Picture Of The City You Were Born In

Good ol' Owensboro, Kentucky, where everything & I do mean EVERYTHING stays exactly that same year after year. It has its advantages, but the place never grows. Never does anything exciting go on in this place but I must say, there is some beautiful country to be seen here. The backroads and the peacefulness of the country I missed terribly when I moved. Not to mention all of the memories every little place here holds for me.

After being completely MIA for a while, I guess it's time for me to rejoin the whole blogging community. So much has been going on here lately, it has just been to difficult to focus on it all, let alone write about it.
Pregnancy is still going well. Bigger than ever and very much ready to bring my little man into this world. I can honestly say I'm very eager to not be pregnant anymore, although I will miss feeling his little kicks and punches.
Hubbie's still gone. It feels like so much more time has passed since I last seen him than it actually has. I miss him terribly. More and more each day, but thats normal, right?
On the upside, I've been making some very wonderful friendships since I've been back to Kentucky. Continuing to learn more and more about myself. Hopefully growing in the right direction that I need to be growing in. I truely am trying to get the most out of the time that I am here. On the days that I want to get out of bed, that is. lol.
Anywho, until next time...

MIA

This past week and a half has been nonetheless eventful & very busy... I haven't had time for too much. Not that I am complaining. I won't go into too much detail... A move is a move as well as training for work, etc... However, I do wish to ask for prayers. Not only for my husband & his platoon, but the families of the recently fallen heroes. Saturday, my husband lost 4 of his really good friends/fellow comrades due to an IED attack... The guys, needless to say, are taking this first big loss very hard & the families, I can only imagine their pain & grief. So, please, if you don't mind to take a few minutes & say a prayer for the Wolfhounds, they could use it.
Hope everybody is having a wonderful Wednesday :) I'm gonna hop off here, lots to get done & some pretty bad storms appear to be heading my way...

Wee Bit Wednesday & We Want To Know Wednesday

What profession have you always admired?
Social work & nurses... Those individuals that truely care about their patients...

What would the title of your memoir/biography be if it were written today?
"Uncertainty..." Self-explanatory.

How far do you commute to work?
Once I start work, about 10 to 15 minutes :)

Are your earlobes attached or detached?
Umm... attached? They are attached to the side of my head, ya kno...

Do you eat the unpopped kernals of popcorn at the bottom of the bag?
Nope. Gross. I'm not a big popcorn fan, either.

What is the strangest gift you've ever received?
Honestly, I haven't received anything too strange... Boring, I know... lol.

What is one tv show that you wish hadn't been cancelled?
Once & Again... (I think thats the name of it) It used to come on back in the day & I looooved it.

What is something that you are saving money for right now?
Unimportant things. I know, very smart when you have a baby on the way. Its something for the hubs & then something else for me -- kind of our gifts to ourselves for after deployment.

What hobby would you like to take up?
A little more photography would be nice. & something more athletic -- even if its just like Zumba or something.

How many times a year do you really get dressed up?
Aside from my "dressing up & looking cute" to go out, next to none. Last time would have been for an old friend's wedding a couple years ago.

If you haven't yet, you seriously need to head over & link up with these ladies!!!

http://seriously-shawn.blogspot.com/ & http://www.ourdandelionwishes.com/

questions & answers ~

1. What game show have you always thought you could be on & totally win?

Deal Or No Deal. I ALWAYS seem to do sooo much better than the contestants lol.

2. Do you have a tattoo? What are they & what made you chose them? If not, would you get one? Yes/no/why?

Currently, I don't have one. Mainly because I'm such a freaking indecisive person. I can pick & stick with a certain design that I want to keep on my body for the rest of my life. If by some odd chance I can get past my indecisiveness, I would gladly get one, however, it would have to mean something to me.

3. What is your favorite piece of jewelry that you own?

I have a few -- my Chanel earrings... love love love em!! A locket my hubs bought for me on Valentine's day this year, its to keep him near to my heart while he is gone :) A matching earring, necklace, & ring set given to me by my parents for Easter this year (simply sentimental meaning) & a beautiful necklace given to me as my very first Mother's day gift from my best sister-friend.

4. What is your driving pet peeve(s)?

In this little town, idiots that pull out in front of you, then STOP & go BELOW the speed limit... Sloooooow drivers.... People that do not know how to drive.... Hmm, dears, the list goes on and on...

5. What was your favorite sitcom growing up that you wish was still on?

All of the 90's shows -- Saved By The Bell, Family Matters, etc... I miss all of those shows!! & the cartoons!! haha. Cartoons are just not the same anymore.

Its Wednesday again :) Can't believe a whole week has already flown by! Definitley not complaining by any means :) It has been quite an eventful week... Good & bad. The hubs calls have dwindled down to nearly none. Its a hard adjustment, that is for sure. But I consider myself lucky that I did get to talk to him as much as I did. I know things are starting to get really rough out there now. A good friend of his was severely injured. He is having a tough time dealing with it. Thank God, however, that he (his friend) is going to be ok. I feel like such a horrible person. When you hear about incidents, attacks, anything, & the moment you hear that it wasn't your husband, all you feel is instant relief & while your heart/prayers go out to whoever was hurt, its still in the back of your head "I'm just glad it wasn't him..."... I don't want to feel even the tiniest bit better that somebody else was injured -- ever. I don't know, maybe I'm weird for thinking like that.

Munchkin FINALLY cooperated for the doctors & allowed them to get a perfect shot of his spine. Everything looks wonderful :) Quite a relief that was for me. However, he did decide to REFUSE a profile shot. So, no new pictures for me to send to his daddy, but that's ok. He will make his grand appearance into our lives soon enough!!

Half of the month later, our townhouse is finally ready. Starting the moving in process on Friday. I am more than excited. I have been doing a little packing. Its pretty bad when lil man has almost as much stuff as I do & he isn't even here yet lol.

I feel like there is so much more I wanted to update on, but as always, I'm pretty scatterbrained. So, anyways, happy wednesday everyone :)

Meghan Dub -- Getting To Know You

the questions --

1. How would you have described yourself in high school?
2. When you don't feel good, what do you always want to help yourself feel better?
3. When you go to bath shops, what type of flavors do you gravitate towards?
4. When at a bar, what is your drink?
5. If you go to your closet right now, what do you think is the predominant color in it it?

the answers --

1. I was the girl who could have made/had it a hellavua lot easier than I did if I wasn't so damn insecure. I was smart, not horrible looking, had a lot of interests & desires to join clubs & do things, but I was too shy, kept to myself & doubted myself way too much to do anything about it. I was always too worried that I didn't fit in to realize that I fit in just fine -- I was holding myself back, not the clothes I wore or anything else of unimportance.

2. My mom always pampered me when I was sick -- its the only time I really don't mind being taken care of. She would go to the store & pick up all of my favorite things -- whether or not I could eat them. I miss that. The hubs sucks it up & deals with it when he gets sick. I can be rather a baby when I'm sick lol. (weird, huh? its usually the other way around.)

3. I go for EVERYTHING. Bath shops I absolutley love. Fruity, foods, seasonal, sexy-like fragrances. Love em all.

4. Liquid Cocaines -- the cocktail. I've realized lots of places don't make it as a cocktail, but if you find one that does, its wonderful. That & a gummy bear :)

5. Haha. My closet looks like it overdosed with pepto-bismo. I love pink a little too much.

Expect an entry later you guys. Heading out of town to a doctors appointment with my parents. Wish us well.