I'm just completely and utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically. I can't even think straight, not that thats something new. I wish I could just get one full nights sleep. You know the good sleep, not the waking up every hour on the hour type. Very unlikely that it'll happen, just saying it'd be nice.
I think I'm different from a lot of people. I get lost inside my own head when I'm upset and stressed. I'm not a good people person. I'm not very sociable. Only with those close to me. I can't put up a front or a show if my life isn't going well.
Very pointless entry, just felt like writing something.

But all the miles that seperate, disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face..

Its a funny thing how dramatically emotions vary from day to day. How differently you feel about things in just 24 hours. Why can't a person just be nonchalant about problems? Stressing and worrying are just a pitiful way to waste the day.

**A hundred miles have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face...**

Its been a full day since I've heard from him. One day and I'm going crazy because I miss him so much. How sad is that? How am I supposed to be a good, supportive *army* wife when I can't even make it through a full 3 days without him? I was talking to a friend who gave me some very good advice. She told me that this is my time for me. My time to discover and find myself. She advised for me not to make him my entire life, but to make him simply a part of it. As wonderful as that sounds, its so much easier said that done. I find myself wanting to surround myself with friends but all the while I simply feel entirely alone, even when I'm in a room full of people. How do I fix that? He is the only thing in this world that makes me feel... complete.

** A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same..**

I need to find something to occupy my time. Something aside from work. I have my friends, but even something aside from them. I need to discover something that I am interested in, something that I can invest myself in and feel good about myself for. Hmm. It would be great if I even had the slightest clue of what that could be.

**Everything I know and everywhere I go, it gets hard, but it won't take away my love..**

Its crazy how quickly things can change. In a week, in a month. Time seems to fly by so fast.
Its a pain having to lie and cover up for people all of the time. Its so much easier to straight up say what I want to say. The truth. But I have to be nice for the sake of everybody else, because its not my truth to tell.
Life is so complicated. One day is amazing, the next is just like hell. People come and go. The ones who matter stay. The ones who matter most to you, you don't let go. You refuse to give up on them. Others, no matter what, you still continue to hold at a distance, not entirely sure yourself why you keep them in your life.
I've noticed more and more how selfish the human race is. How many people find a way to make every situation, every occurance about themselves. Its quite humerous. And I've noticed how most people never really change. Regardless of how much they want to believe that they have. When your in complete denial, I guess you haven't reached the step where you realize that you are the one with a serious problem. Not that it matters because once that step is finally reached, its usually a little too late.

I'm not for sure why I continue to write on this. I guess its a little refreshing to get everything out every once in a while. To get it out and that be it. No responses, no questions. Actually its quite nice. After a long, stressful day at work that is exactly what I need. That and a nice, long, hot shower. My headaches are back and I must say that they have come back with a vengeance. I'm going to have to go back to the doctor. What fun that will be. And how expensive those tests will be. Just what I need to look forward to, spending money that I don't have. But I really can't take much more of them. Having the same exact headache for 3 and 4 days at a time with absolutely no relief is no fun.

I'm anticipating so much for these next couple of months. I don't want to set my hopes up too high. Lord knows I do not want to be let down, but it is so hard not to do. I'm setting my sights to the future and what I know will be so great. I need a change more than anything at this moment.

**Keep your head up gorgeous, people would kill to see you fail.**

I believe that so many different things have continued to make me open my eyes wider and wider. I see things so differently now. I see people so much differently. I'm not as naive as I used to be. Granted, I'm still pretty naive, I continue to see the best in some people who just don't deserve it, but at least my eyes are open to it now. And I'm completely aware that they are nothing like what they once were. Not that anybody is like they once were. Life changes everybody and everything. The key is, not to let it change what you stand for and who you truely are deep down.

**There's a new wind blowin, like nothing I ever known. I'm breathin deeper than I've ever done..**

I'm actually following through with all of those *new years resolutions* that I've never stuck with previous years. And I'm proud of myself for it. I've learnt that sometimes you have to walk away from those who aren't doing you any good emotionally, no matter how hard it hurts. People rarely change. I've discovered that the hard way, on more than one occasion. Things are pretty tough right now, but I'm doing my best to keep my head up and not let it nor anything bring me down.

**I've forgiven myself for all the mistakes I've made..**

I know I'm not perfect and that sometimes I will not live up to the expectations that others have for me. All I can do is my best in life for my friends, my family, and myself. If I can tell myself that I have done all that I can do, I know I will not have any regrets. I look at myself over the past couple of years, in different types of relationships && friendships && I've noticed things I'm not entirely happy with. Things that I didn't see then but I see clearly now. I am NOT a doormat for anybody to wipe their feet on. I won't tolerate anybody taking advantage of me. Relationships are 50/50. If I can do my part and you can't do yours, then there isn't a relationship there. I refuse to keep people in my life whom I have to keep at a distance. Aside from those that I have no choice but to keep there. I don't have to have anybody in my life that brings me down. There is no sense in it. What kind of life would I be living if I continued to feel the need to watch anything and everything I say and do?

**I used to run in circles, going no where fast..**

I know there are many out there who just do not understand. They don't understand me nor the things I do. And thats fine. I don't feel the need to have to explain myself everytime I turn around. Its my life, right? I'll live it the way I choose to.

I'd Sacrafice My Beatin Heart Before I Lose You

13 days - excited.

Its amazing how things work themselves out. How you can spend so long pondering over something and be in nothing but utter confusion about it and then one day, wake up, and realize that you have it all figured out. And actually be for real about it. There is still so much in my life that I question and second guess and am not so sure about at the moment. But I'm only 21. I have time to figure those things out. On the things that truely matter right here and now, tho, I'm there. I know what I want and I know that nothing er nobody is going to stand in my way any longer.

** The only thing that I still believe in is you..**

I've figured out that I can live for me and still not be selfish. I know that there is nothing wrong with putting myself first at times, regardless if other people agree or understand it.

** You helped me live and learn.**

2010 ~ Happy New Year

Is it possible to have everything figured out but still be in utter confusion? I know, that made absolutley noooo sense but I'm not sure how else to put it!! I am completely happy but at the same time, not so much. I want more than anything for this year to be different, BETTER. I don't want the problems from last year to follow beside me this year... I'm making a strong attempt to brush everything off. Start brand new and I'll take care of everything as it comes my way.

**Define yer meaning of war. To me its wat we do when we're bored. I feel the heat coming up off of the blacktop, and it makes me want it more.**

I'm just so tired of being angry. And hurt. And all of those other emotions that nobody ever enjoys. I truely am looking for a change. No, I'll rephrase that. I'm in desperate need of one. And the only way for ANYTHING in my life to get better, I have to make one.

**Let's take a trip down memory lane. The word circling in my brain. You can treat this like another all the same. But don't cry like a bitch when u feel the pain..**

I want to face all of my problems and dilemma's head on. I'm through with backing down.

**This is hardly worth fighting for, but it's the little petty shit that I can't ignore. With my fist in yer face and yer face on the floor...**