It doesn't matter when I'm coming home to you...

My mind's on overdrive once again tonight. So many thoughts racing through my head && here I am, powerless to stop it. Its an awful feeling when you feel like you have to choose. Choose to do whats right, what your heart tells you to do as well as your head, when you aren't too sure what the right thing really is. Or if there really is a such thing as a wrong decision in this case. Not that it matters one way or another. Emotions just make things so damn difficult. Why can't women be more like men? Aren't they supposed to be made of steel or something?..

I just keep thinking of what's to come in my life these upcoming years. I'm not quite sure I'm prepared for any of it, not that you can prepare for anything in life. You have to take it one day at a time. Handle life's hurdles as they are thrown at you. It terrifies me to leave everything behind. My family. My father. We've always been close, but in the past year the bond between us has done nothing but gotten stronger. His health isn't as well as he plays it off to be && his reluctance to get things checked out frightens me. The thought of me being so far away && anything happening to him, well, its something I can barely think about, and knowing that I can't be right there by his side doesn't make things any better. 3 years is a long time. I worry that I'm just not up to it. Of course I will be. I will follow and stand by my husbands side for my whole life. He is my soul mate, the only person in this world that gets me.. But that doesn't make anything any easier. I feel like by me leaving I'm letting certain people that are close to me down...

I know, I'm little miss negative. I'm moving to Hawaii. I should be estatic and I am excited, very excited but I know that once we are settled in, a new reality will hit. I plan to go back to school, work on my career, establish a new life of my own, possibly start a family even... But then the time comes for him to deploy. I'm a mess with him simply being gone a little over 3 months, much longer will devastate me. My life, once again, will just be at a stand-still. I'll go through the motions but there won't be much feeling there. Staying in Hawaii, alone, isn't what I really want to do. I know I have the option to come home and stay... But its like all of the progress that I make, the new life that I've started, I'm supposed to just put it on hold, move somewhere else, start over... Wait for him, then pick up where I left off? I know you can't have everything simply perfect, but still.. I know my thoughts will become more clearer. I'll begin to adjust and things will work themselves out. Just at the moment, I'm having difficulty seeing that far into the future. I don't mean to sound selfish or as if I am only thinking about myself. I respect my husband and that fact that he joined the Army, that he wants to make the military a career && that he is doing all that he can to provide for me. I am truely thankful to that. Its just figuring out whether I am going to be able to handle a life like this.. Its just very difficult to make and well, to even think of making, some of the sacrafices that will have to be made... And well, its just scarey.

Most days I'm fine. I get through the motions just fine. Simply overlook any hurt, any pain, and keep pushing through. But then there are certain moments when I hit my breaking point and I just can't take it anymore. I hear a song or experience a random memory and the day is all down hill from there. I feel so disconnected. I don't like this.

83 days and I'll finally be back in his arms again. Its amazing what a single month being away from each other does to you. I love how everybody says it gets easier. It definitley does NOT get easier. Do you get used to it? Yes. But it still sucks.

Ever gotten so wrapped up into your own life that you forget that there is still a bigger world out there? People with bigger problems. Issues that make your little petty inconviences look, well, just like little petty inconviences. I've dealt with depression and being uphappy throughout my life. What teenage girl didn't go through it at some point? I've seen my mother fall deeper and deeper into it throughout the years. Luckily she is trying to pull herself up from it. But what happens to those that aren't successful? What happens when they can't save themselves from that black pool of loneliness? I recently found out an old friend of mine, her younger brother committed suicide the other day. I cannot begin to imagine the pain both her and her family are going through. It just makes a million thoughts run through my head. I wish I could understand what makes a person feel as if they have no other choice.

Tonight just isn't a good night for me. Its 1 am and all I can do is think. I can't turn my mind off and relax. I feel so confused and scared of what the future holds. I keep thinking about his deployment. Yes, I know, he hasn't gotten his orders, he hasn't even gotten out of boot camp yet. But its just knowing that he will and soon enough, he will get his orders and that dreaded date will be marked. Its been exactly two weeks && I can't even explain how lonely I feel && how much I miss him. My phone is my best friend. I keep it with me 24/7 in hopes that he will call so I can hear his voice, even if its only for a couple of seconds. I know he is going through more hell than I am, at least I have familiar faces to surround myself with, but its hard. And for some reason, tonight is the night that I've chosen to sit and think about the future. I'm surviving now, even though I'm miserable. At least I do know that he is safe and taken care of. How am I going to make it when he is deployed for a year && I have NO clue what is going on one day from the next? I know things like this you just have to get through when they get here. You can't fret about them nor can you prepare yourself. But its so difficult not too. I just wish things would have been easier for us. I kind of wish we would have felt like we had more options. Ugh. Night's like tonight, I just need to be in his arms.

I'm All Out Of Breath... My Walls Are Closing In...

I let too many people hold me back sometimes.. I've come to that realization. And its very hard to change that. I never realized how scared I am of disappointing people or even just pissing them off. I'll let people walk all over me long before I stand up for what I want and put a stop to it. How do you change that when you are so accustomed to it, like its second nature?

**Daylight dies, blackout the sky.. Is anybody there?? Does anybody care??**

Today marks day 2 without any letters, 3 days since a phone call. I'm surviving. Not going crazy or anything quite yet. Already tho, I'm sick of this distance, no contact thing. I don't see how women (girlfriends/wives) can handle this throughout their whole entire lives. One deployment is going to destroy me. I know this already. But when your husband is in the military and it is their career, 1 deployment is nothing. You go through several deployments each year. I don't think I could deal with being away from my husband that much throughout our lives. I guess you have to do what you have to do. And I may just have to get accustomed to it.

**No longer the lost.. No long the same..**

Oh Won't You Walk Through && Bust Through The Door && Take Me Away...

There's got to be a recipe for a good pick-me-up. The past few days all I feel like doing is sleep. Its like it completely overwhelms me and I can't even keep my eyes open. I get a spurt of energy while I'm at work but the second I get home, its a whole other story. Bluh. I'm never going to get anything done going this route.

**Comparisons are easily done, once you've had a taste of perfection..**

For a girl getting married in a year, you definitley would not guess that I am one of them. I've barely done any wedding planning. I haven't even decided where I'm going to have the dang thing at!! I still have 1 more bridesmaid that I need to choose!! How awful is that? It would be helpful if he was fine with letting me choose who was my bridesmaids, just as I let him choose who he wanted to be his groomsmen lol. I've got my colors picked out and my flowers. The reception? Not even close. I know how I want my cake, the colors and everything. And I actually do know who is going to do it as well as my pictures.. Boy, I still got a loooong way to go.

**Like an apple hanging from a tree, I picked the ripest one..**

I remind myself of my mother everyday. One way or another. I always talk myself out of things. I've got so many things to do and I need to follow through with a lot of decisions I've recently made. I wish procrastation wasn't such a close friend of mine.

**Oh, I wish I was looking into your eyes...**