My voice will be heard today...

Flyleaf.. definitley feeling their music today... their lyrics are just kinda fitting with my mood...

So, a rather interesting conversation with my soldier this morning has left me contemplating... It turned my mind back onto overdrive and the topic of our discussion is all that I can think of. Its a serious thing, a big deal, completely life-altering, but in an amazing way. I've just only got a few setbacks... Setbacks that I'm desperately trying to overcome, after all, I do not have much of a choice but to get passed them. They aren't going to change, so I guess that leaves the changing to me, right?

It never ceases to amaze me. The one thing that you always want is always the one thing that you can't have. And that feeling, that overwhelming feeling of desperately wanting, needing that simple thing never lets up. I dislike it very much so.

Today should be a good day.. I did get to talk to the love of my life multiple times (you have no idea how good that feels..) and I'm fixing to head to my bridal shower. Hopefully it stays this way. No breakdowns.

How do you truely find out who you are? Or what you want? I'm not even too clear on what my expectations are.. on anything, anymore. At some point over the past couple of years I've completely lost sight of just about everything. I know who matters to me. I know who is important. I haven't completely succeeded in having a backbone 100% of the time, but I'm getting better. Its just everything else that I have lost. I used to be able to get lost in my writing, now I can barely think of what to write. I used to have dreams and interests and love be social with friends, now its the complete opposite. My main focus of course is my marriage. Aside from that it's bills. Ever since I turned 18, that has had to be my focus. I completely robbed myself of the luxury of being, I guess, a teenager. Or perhaps it was my mother. Our relationship. After all that was the reason for me leaving as soon as I did. Of course, college was put on the back burner. I had to pay for my bills, stupid ex's bills, food, and all of the wonderful things adults get to do. Now, I have somebody doing that for me. Somebody who is giving that time and opportuniy back to me. And I don't know what to do with myself.. I'm completely wasting even more time. I could have accomplished so much more in these past 2 months and I'm still at square one...

It doesn't matter when I'm coming home to you...

My mind's on overdrive once again tonight. So many thoughts racing through my head && here I am, powerless to stop it. Its an awful feeling when you feel like you have to choose. Choose to do whats right, what your heart tells you to do as well as your head, when you aren't too sure what the right thing really is. Or if there really is a such thing as a wrong decision in this case. Not that it matters one way or another. Emotions just make things so damn difficult. Why can't women be more like men? Aren't they supposed to be made of steel or something?..

I just keep thinking of what's to come in my life these upcoming years. I'm not quite sure I'm prepared for any of it, not that you can prepare for anything in life. You have to take it one day at a time. Handle life's hurdles as they are thrown at you. It terrifies me to leave everything behind. My family. My father. We've always been close, but in the past year the bond between us has done nothing but gotten stronger. His health isn't as well as he plays it off to be && his reluctance to get things checked out frightens me. The thought of me being so far away && anything happening to him, well, its something I can barely think about, and knowing that I can't be right there by his side doesn't make things any better. 3 years is a long time. I worry that I'm just not up to it. Of course I will be. I will follow and stand by my husbands side for my whole life. He is my soul mate, the only person in this world that gets me.. But that doesn't make anything any easier. I feel like by me leaving I'm letting certain people that are close to me down...

I know, I'm little miss negative. I'm moving to Hawaii. I should be estatic and I am excited, very excited but I know that once we are settled in, a new reality will hit. I plan to go back to school, work on my career, establish a new life of my own, possibly start a family even... But then the time comes for him to deploy. I'm a mess with him simply being gone a little over 3 months, much longer will devastate me. My life, once again, will just be at a stand-still. I'll go through the motions but there won't be much feeling there. Staying in Hawaii, alone, isn't what I really want to do. I know I have the option to come home and stay... But its like all of the progress that I make, the new life that I've started, I'm supposed to just put it on hold, move somewhere else, start over... Wait for him, then pick up where I left off? I know you can't have everything simply perfect, but still.. I know my thoughts will become more clearer. I'll begin to adjust and things will work themselves out. Just at the moment, I'm having difficulty seeing that far into the future. I don't mean to sound selfish or as if I am only thinking about myself. I respect my husband and that fact that he joined the Army, that he wants to make the military a career && that he is doing all that he can to provide for me. I am truely thankful to that. Its just figuring out whether I am going to be able to handle a life like this.. Its just very difficult to make and well, to even think of making, some of the sacrafices that will have to be made... And well, its just scarey.

Most days I'm fine. I get through the motions just fine. Simply overlook any hurt, any pain, and keep pushing through. But then there are certain moments when I hit my breaking point and I just can't take it anymore. I hear a song or experience a random memory and the day is all down hill from there. I feel so disconnected. I don't like this.

83 days and I'll finally be back in his arms again. Its amazing what a single month being away from each other does to you. I love how everybody says it gets easier. It definitley does NOT get easier. Do you get used to it? Yes. But it still sucks.

Ever gotten so wrapped up into your own life that you forget that there is still a bigger world out there? People with bigger problems. Issues that make your little petty inconviences look, well, just like little petty inconviences. I've dealt with depression and being uphappy throughout my life. What teenage girl didn't go through it at some point? I've seen my mother fall deeper and deeper into it throughout the years. Luckily she is trying to pull herself up from it. But what happens to those that aren't successful? What happens when they can't save themselves from that black pool of loneliness? I recently found out an old friend of mine, her younger brother committed suicide the other day. I cannot begin to imagine the pain both her and her family are going through. It just makes a million thoughts run through my head. I wish I could understand what makes a person feel as if they have no other choice.

Tonight just isn't a good night for me. Its 1 am and all I can do is think. I can't turn my mind off and relax. I feel so confused and scared of what the future holds. I keep thinking about his deployment. Yes, I know, he hasn't gotten his orders, he hasn't even gotten out of boot camp yet. But its just knowing that he will and soon enough, he will get his orders and that dreaded date will be marked. Its been exactly two weeks && I can't even explain how lonely I feel && how much I miss him. My phone is my best friend. I keep it with me 24/7 in hopes that he will call so I can hear his voice, even if its only for a couple of seconds. I know he is going through more hell than I am, at least I have familiar faces to surround myself with, but its hard. And for some reason, tonight is the night that I've chosen to sit and think about the future. I'm surviving now, even though I'm miserable. At least I do know that he is safe and taken care of. How am I going to make it when he is deployed for a year && I have NO clue what is going on one day from the next? I know things like this you just have to get through when they get here. You can't fret about them nor can you prepare yourself. But its so difficult not too. I just wish things would have been easier for us. I kind of wish we would have felt like we had more options. Ugh. Night's like tonight, I just need to be in his arms.