Mornings like these are the worst. I just can't get it together. I feel like a complete and total emotional wreck.

-- You'll Be On My Mind Wherever I Go --

Today has definitley been one of the better days I've had. The past few have been a tad bit rough, but hey, rough days happen. Thank God for the wonderful people in my life, they get me through so much more than they ever could realize. I've got a little bit to write, but it'll have to come later... Baby Tyler is making me super sleepy tonight :) I love these little weekly things, so here goes from MannLand 5 :)

the q's & a's --

1. Do you watch/read the news?

I try to avoid it as much as possible but sometimes it is just easier said than done.

2. How would you describe your "look"?

Honestly, pretty plain. As much as I want/try to change it up, I feel like I dress and look just about the same as I did my senior year of high school... (about 3 years ago.)

3. Did you play sports in high school/college?

I'm was and am waaay to athletically challenged to play any sports recreationally more less for a team. I'm not too coordinated.... Ok, I'm not coordinated at all lol.

4. Would you rather give up lip stick/gloss or high heels?

I really don't wear much of either. Now, if flip flops or chapstick were the options, then it would definitley be a toss up lol.

5. What's your favorite show to watch on tv?

I've got a few... Army Wives (haha.. who woulda guessed right?!) Teen Mom (whether it annoys me or not) and Law And Order SVU (reruns or new).

6. Would you rather bake or cook?

Baking is the best... I love sweets waaaaay too much & when I think of baking, sweets are what comes to mind. The cooking part I'm really trying to work on. My bestie & I are getting a place of our own soon -- I'm bound and determind to me one heck of a cook by the time the hubs gets home!!

7. Shorts or skirts?

Shorts. Definitley shorts. I told you, I'm more of a simple type of girl.

8. What's your favorite scary movie?

Ha. A few years ago I could have answered this one easily. I've become a skeerdie-cat when it comes to scary movies now... But I'd have to say the newer Amityville Horror -- Ryan Reynolds shirtless for roughly 2 hours, I mean, seriously?!

Thats all for tonight :) Night everyone!

What do YOU do to keep busy during these awfully long deployments? Having a job or going to school are always nice, but what about the rest of your day?

I am not lucky, I am blessed. It's a fact that I am realizing more and more as each day passes. Not all get to have the experiences that I do -- to know all that love has to offer, to know the true meaning of happiness. And right now, more and more, I'm seeing how happy I am -- how all of those twists and turns along the way these past few years, have brought me to where I need to be. Also, how they made me grow and learn so I could honestly appreciate and be aware of what I have. I am very priveleged to be able to say I married my best friend -- nobody knows me better than he does & nevre have I felt as comfortable, safe, & secure as I do with him (not to mention all of the lovey-dovey feelings that still exist :) ) I've just been spending the day reflecting. It's been one of those kinds of days. I'm somewhat taken aback by how much has changed over the years. 3 years ago, the army certainly wasn't in mind for our future nor was having a baby so soon. Friends that I always thought would be there slowly slipped away and/or showed some true (& awful) colors. I realized, also, that as good of a friend that I always try to be, I need to learn to be better -- to learn forgiveness and to be open/honest with not just others, but myself as well. I need to learn that I'm not going to always agree with others and how they live their lives but at the same time, they may not exactly approve of all the decisions I make myself -- life & friendship isn't about judging -- its about joining along for the ride. Everybody is different. Thats another thing -- I've learnt that there is still so much I do not know about myself and I've opened my eyes as to how much that fact scares me. I've got to get out there and give myself the opportunity to find out who I am & what I'm really about. That opens a huge goal for me this upcoming year. And I plan on putting every effort into successfully completing it. I feel like I have so much weighing on my mind. Ever feel like you just can't think clearly? Like everyday is just a blur? I have so many jumbled thoughts and emotions -- I feel like I need a filing cabinet to sort them all out. I feel like I bottle way too much up inside and just push it to the back of my mind -- planning on confronting and sorting it all out at a later date or perhaps, just forgetting about things altogther. Sadly, that just gets me into funks, like today. Anywho, as always, I've been browsing other wives' blogs and found this survey & for whatever reason, I always have to fill them out :) Military Wifey Survey -- from Simplysteele.blogspot.com

1. How long have you been a military wife? Will hit my one year mark in May

2. What branch of service is your husband? Army

3. Active/Reserve? Active Duty

4. What is his job? 11-Bravo, Infantryman

5. How many deployments have you gone through? We are in the beginning of our very first :(

6. Camo or Dress uniforms on your man? I'm a sucker for the camo's :)

7. What do you like about being a military wife? I love the opportunities that the military provides. Traveling, meeting new people...

8. Do you live on base? Not currently, but we sort of did -- it was a military reservation & it wasn't too great...

9. What is your favorite base so far? We still have the remainder of the deployment + another year at our first duty station -- Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.

10. What is the hardest part of the military life? The long seperations, the hurry up and wait, their unorganized ways...

11. Do you go to the grocery store or Commissary? Since we live(d) on the island, the commissary was definitley the way to go -- spend 4.00 on a gallon of milk on post or 7 off post... I'm sure you get what I'm saying...

12. Do you work or stay at home? I'm a housewife at the moment -- looking for a job though :) until the baby is born that is, then I will be taking more time off obviously

13. Do you have a lot of military wife friends? I wouldn't say a lot -- but I do have a few that are absolutley amazing :)

14. Do you prefer Walmart or the BX/PX/NEX/MCX? The NEX is the best place to go in Hawaii. Schofield's BX/PX isn't awful, but the NEX has so much more to offer & is so nice :) (Walmart in HI is awful, btw... 4 isles at most for groceries and most everything is overpriced -- well, over priced from what I am used to in good ol' Kentucky lol)

15. How did your husband propose? This was truely the very first time I have ever seen my hubs nervous. Back when we first met, he had a motorcycle & we rode everywhere -- country roads, down to the river, you get the picture. We had this nice little spot that was "ours" we always went to -- whether to talk, watch the stars, or what not... Well, on our 2 years anniversary, he took me to a nice dinner and then took me there. I was so oblivous to what he was doing that I didn't even notice him fidgeting and asking all of these really serious questions about our future. The next thing I know, he turned me around with a ring in his hand, and asked if I would spend my life with him :) My answer well, is a lil obvious!!

16. Did you marry him after he joined or before? Before.

17. How long have you been together? March of 2008

18. Any kids? Our first little munchkin is expected to arrive in September of this year :)

19. Any kids yet to come? ^^^^^^^^^

20. Is your husband one of those "I am soldier hear me HOOAH" kind of guys? When he first enlisted, I truely thought he was going to be.. He went into the recruiters station, "I want to go to Airborne & Ranger school... I wanna look into Special Forces..." You get the picture...But after the fact, he actually calmed down. Granted he is very proud of what he does (as am I), he isn't that way at all.

21. Have you ever done combatives with your husband? Haha yes.

22. How many bases have you lived at? Just one

23. If you could change one thing about the military? The length of deployment (haha -- very unlikely, huh?)

24. Do you like military balls? The military ball was one thing I was really looking forward to. However, about a month before we got to Hawaii, Schofield had theirs, so we missed it. I'm hoping to attend one after deployment.

25. Where does your family live? Kentucky

26. What do you do for a job? Just a housewife at the moment

27. Have you ever gotten in a fight with an NCO's wife? Luckily I haven't had to deal with any drama wives & hopefully I won't have to. 28. Name one thing you do when your husband is gone. Right now, I'm preparing for our baby & getting care packages together for him :) Other than that, just STAY busy.

29. Do you think other wives do that too? What else can you do when your hubs is so far away? To keep your sanity, you have to stay busy.

So far, I think I'm keeping a pretty good outlook on things. Granted, we haven't gotten too far at all into the deployment, but I'm doing better than expected. Once I get the apartment & have more time to myself, I'm sure things will unravel a bit more -- when you are alone, you think more & you have way more time to worry -- but I'm not looking that far ahead. One day at a time, right? & today, well, was a good day :) I promise to try to keep all of the "this is so hard, I don't think I can do this, I miss him too much..." pitty posts to a minimum. I know there are many of you wonderful ladies who have survived and/or are surviving this very same things therefore I am relieved to know it is possible :) Just some days, as you all know, are a lot better than others.

I left today. I can't even put into words how heartbreaking it was. Saying goodbye can be quite painful, but this hurt unlike anything I have ever felt before. The entire day, a huge lump remained in my throat and all one had to do was mention what was to come in a matter of hours and the tears would promised to come. The ride to the airport was quiet and tense. The goodbye was awful. Feeling his arms around me and knowing it was going to be the last time I felt his embrace for a very long time was overbearing. I didn't want to let him go. I know I looked like a crazy woman -- going through security, heading towards my gate, constantly looking over my shoulder, feeling his eyes on me as I walked away -- myself in tears each time. Seeing the pain on his face as he himself tried not to cry was worse than any of it. I must have broke down into tears a dozn times on the way to my gate -- onlookers staring at me like I was derranged or something. Now, Im just waiting. Waiting for this emptiness and constant need to cry to pass. Lord knows missing him will not get easier, but hopefully passing the time will. I'm already counting the days until we will together again -- til our little family can be, well, a family. Please keep him and his unit unit in your thoughts and prayers.

MILspouse Friday Fill-In #35

Surprise, surprise I'm a day late at doing this, but here goes anyway :)

1. What is your must have gadget?

Its simple -- my Iphone. When the things came out, I couldn't stand them. Now, I use mine for everything.

2. How does your adult life compare to what you imagined it would be like when you were a little kid?

To put it lightly, my life is nothing like what I thought it would be. Granted, I always dreamt of getting married & having kids but I pictured college first & the military definitley wasn't included in the equation. However, I can't say that I regret a thing. A few things I would do a little differently aka school, but I can honestly say I have no regrets.

3. What is your favorite chocolate recipe?

I'm a sucker for no-bake cookies, so for now I'll put that. I'm currently working on my baking/cooking skills -- which need MAJOR work :) (one thing I intend on improving during this deployment)

4. How do you deal with military life when it gets to be too much or too hard?

There isn't a real cookie-cutter answer for this. My "too hard" days are just now beginning, therefore I'm still learning. I just plan on taking things one day at a time -- screaming if I need to, crying, laughing, whatever it is that may temporarily make me feel a little bit better.

5. What piece of advice would you give a new Military spouse facing their first deployment?

Hmm... Give me a year or so. I'll get back to you on this.