I'm All Out Of Breath... My Walls Are Closing In...

I let too many people hold me back sometimes.. I've come to that realization. And its very hard to change that. I never realized how scared I am of disappointing people or even just pissing them off. I'll let people walk all over me long before I stand up for what I want and put a stop to it. How do you change that when you are so accustomed to it, like its second nature?

**Daylight dies, blackout the sky.. Is anybody there?? Does anybody care??**

Today marks day 2 without any letters, 3 days since a phone call. I'm surviving. Not going crazy or anything quite yet. Already tho, I'm sick of this distance, no contact thing. I don't see how women (girlfriends/wives) can handle this throughout their whole entire lives. One deployment is going to destroy me. I know this already. But when your husband is in the military and it is their career, 1 deployment is nothing. You go through several deployments each year. I don't think I could deal with being away from my husband that much throughout our lives. I guess you have to do what you have to do. And I may just have to get accustomed to it.

**No longer the lost.. No long the same..**

Oh Won't You Walk Through && Bust Through The Door && Take Me Away...

There's got to be a recipe for a good pick-me-up. The past few days all I feel like doing is sleep. Its like it completely overwhelms me and I can't even keep my eyes open. I get a spurt of energy while I'm at work but the second I get home, its a whole other story. Bluh. I'm never going to get anything done going this route.

**Comparisons are easily done, once you've had a taste of perfection..**

For a girl getting married in a year, you definitley would not guess that I am one of them. I've barely done any wedding planning. I haven't even decided where I'm going to have the dang thing at!! I still have 1 more bridesmaid that I need to choose!! How awful is that? It would be helpful if he was fine with letting me choose who was my bridesmaids, just as I let him choose who he wanted to be his groomsmen lol. I've got my colors picked out and my flowers. The reception? Not even close. I know how I want my cake, the colors and everything. And I actually do know who is going to do it as well as my pictures.. Boy, I still got a loooong way to go.

**Like an apple hanging from a tree, I picked the ripest one..**

I remind myself of my mother everyday. One way or another. I always talk myself out of things. I've got so many things to do and I need to follow through with a lot of decisions I've recently made. I wish procrastation wasn't such a close friend of mine.

**Oh, I wish I was looking into your eyes...**

Holding Your Scarred Heart In Hand, Its All The Same..

Choices. They are so much easier to determine when somebody else makes the decision for you. Its always easier if you have somebody else telling you what you should do. Life, however, does not work that way. Nobody can choose how you should live your life or who you should live it with. Only you know what truely makes you happy and what will not. You are the only person who can makes those little decisions that will play out your life, whether its simple or difficult. You have to be your own person and not rely on other people's imput to put the finishing touches on what you do.

***And I'll take you for who you are, if you'll take me for everything...**

Its such a relief to know that I'm not the only person feeling so.. alone and lonely. I received 2 letters from him today. I've never smiled so big at receiving mail. I can't believe that we are so alike. More than half of what I have written to him but have yet to sent, he spelled out in all of his letters. Its nice to have somebody that you have common ground with. We've always had a communication problem. He gets mad easily and lets the entire world know how he feels when he's angry or hurt. I close up and keep everything to myself. Its not a good mix in a relationship. But we are making so much headway now. And its just getting better. Its insane how some really good advice/help from a really great friend fixed all of that. I've learnt to focus on what is important. There is always going to be problems in a relationship. Its when you quit fighting and let those problems overrule your relationship that you've failed. You lose focus on why you were ever together. And when you reach that point and your too stubborn to get over shit and let it go, that you need to simply realize that its over. I'm glad we surpassed all of that.

**I don't mind, I don't care.. As long as your here..**

Tomorrow's Just One Day Closer

It completely baffles me how just speaking to him lightens up my entire day. Cheesy, I know. But seriously. Everybody keeps telling me him being gone is really going to test our relationship. That it will either make it or break it. If anything I belive us being apart is only going to make us stronger. Its something neither of us has ever had to endure before, ever. Its only making us closer. Its so weird to look forward to a phone call and to checking the mail every single day as much as I do now. The nights are getting easier for me. I can sleep, just not too restfully. I'm getting there though. It'll all get better in time, right? *crosses fingers*

I'm just completely and utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically. I can't even think straight, not that thats something new. I wish I could just get one full nights sleep. You know the good sleep, not the waking up every hour on the hour type. Very unlikely that it'll happen, just saying it'd be nice.
I think I'm different from a lot of people. I get lost inside my own head when I'm upset and stressed. I'm not a good people person. I'm not very sociable. Only with those close to me. I can't put up a front or a show if my life isn't going well.
Very pointless entry, just felt like writing something.

But all the miles that seperate, disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face..

Its a funny thing how dramatically emotions vary from day to day. How differently you feel about things in just 24 hours. Why can't a person just be nonchalant about problems? Stressing and worrying are just a pitiful way to waste the day.

**A hundred miles have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face...**

Its been a full day since I've heard from him. One day and I'm going crazy because I miss him so much. How sad is that? How am I supposed to be a good, supportive *army* wife when I can't even make it through a full 3 days without him? I was talking to a friend who gave me some very good advice. She told me that this is my time for me. My time to discover and find myself. She advised for me not to make him my entire life, but to make him simply a part of it. As wonderful as that sounds, its so much easier said that done. I find myself wanting to surround myself with friends but all the while I simply feel entirely alone, even when I'm in a room full of people. How do I fix that? He is the only thing in this world that makes me feel... complete.

** A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same..**

I need to find something to occupy my time. Something aside from work. I have my friends, but even something aside from them. I need to discover something that I am interested in, something that I can invest myself in and feel good about myself for. Hmm. It would be great if I even had the slightest clue of what that could be.

**Everything I know and everywhere I go, it gets hard, but it won't take away my love..**

Its crazy how quickly things can change. In a week, in a month. Time seems to fly by so fast.
Its a pain having to lie and cover up for people all of the time. Its so much easier to straight up say what I want to say. The truth. But I have to be nice for the sake of everybody else, because its not my truth to tell.
Life is so complicated. One day is amazing, the next is just like hell. People come and go. The ones who matter stay. The ones who matter most to you, you don't let go. You refuse to give up on them. Others, no matter what, you still continue to hold at a distance, not entirely sure yourself why you keep them in your life.
I've noticed more and more how selfish the human race is. How many people find a way to make every situation, every occurance about themselves. Its quite humerous. And I've noticed how most people never really change. Regardless of how much they want to believe that they have. When your in complete denial, I guess you haven't reached the step where you realize that you are the one with a serious problem. Not that it matters because once that step is finally reached, its usually a little too late.