Goodbye normal self, hello Psycho. I've never been so hormonal in my life. I can honestly say I feel for those around me, strangers and all. The first time I spased out over a can of Spaghetti-os, I knew it was getting bad. I cry for no reason & as I cry, I can say I have no clue what is wrong, but at the same time, I cannot stop the tears. I can get completely evil on the spin of a dime, usually over food. I'll clear this up. I can't eat much & I don't crave too much, so when I do want something & I can't get it or its sucky (which is usually the case), I get a little upset lol. It is absolutley horrible when you're starving but you can't eat anything!!
Baby's first doctors appointment is here in an hour or so. I'm ready to see my lil love bug on that ultrasound screen & to hear the heartbeat :) I think I still have yet another appointment to make an appearance at before I get that privledge, but the anticipation is killing me!!!

Why is it that I let little comments get under my skin so easily? Simple little things that come out of people's mouths that are soo.... hypocritcal. Being honest with everybody is the best way to go. That is wonderful. Preach it. (when you live a life so full of secrets that you can't even have a clear conversation with somebody because you stumble on your lies -- you forget who you told what to.) Eh. I ask myself, why does it matter? It doesn't. It really doesn't. It just makes me... frustrated. *sigh* the people you have hope for.

A night in. A homecooked meal & an evening full of House. Sounds wonderful & much needed for the both of us. Today's been on off day. Missing individuals whom I don't know why. Resisting the urge to pick up the phone to text or call them. Pregnancy hormones getting the best of me? Its a possibility.
I keep thinking forward to this next month. Its going to be so busy!! So much to do in such a small amount of time. Is it bad that just thinking about it exhausts me?! Moving, yet again. Not looking forward to that one at all. Oh, Hawaii, I'll miss you tons! (minus the dreadful H1 & 2 lol.)

I didn't think that it would hit me as hard as it did. Seeing written on paper finalized it. Made it real. Too real. Devastating.
He will be safe, they all will be safe. They'll make it back home & this deployment will just be another milestone passed. But that's what people are supposed to say., right? When they are attempting to make you feel better & they have nothing else better to say. One should keep that frame of mind, nonetheless. For others, it simply isn't that easy.
I expected this once the contract was signed. I've known it for sure for months. Therefore I have no clue as to why it is affecting me so horribly now, at this moment. Perhaps because that date is set. The official countdown begins. I know when I'm going to have to say goodbye. I'm not sure how I am going to do it. I'm not sure I can handle it. People get through these things. That I am aware of. There's no written *how to* list. Its just something you do. It basically comes down to the fact that I don't know how strong I am. Yes. At the moment, I am focusing on myself. I know my life is going to change drastically but not nearly as much as his but (minus having the baby) him being absent from my life is as drastic as it could get for me. It is my worst nightmare.
It will get better for me. This I know. Awaiting him leaving on top of my hormones being out of whack is torture. I just have to be strong. Not so much for myself, but for him. For not only is he my rock, I am his. My well being affects him if not more than his own. God give me strength and courage. I feel as if I'm lacking it majorly.

-- That Kind Of Love's The Killing Kind --

The picture thing is going to be put on hold... I doubt I'll be on here too much now that I'm back with the hubbie, too much to do in such a small amount of time. The last thing I need at the moment is to be reminded of how fast time is passing by. Now after he leaves for deployment, that will completely change.
I've been home for a couple of days now. I feel... different. Almost like walking on egg shells, so to speak. The subject of him leaving has been completely avoided. Its too painful. He's so upset he's leaving not only me but the baby. If it's even brought up, the subject is quickly changed. Truthfully, I don't know how I feel about it. The very thought of him leaving and all of the things leading up to it, makes me tear up & that huge lump in my throat forms & refuses to go away. Like yesterday, he brought home forms -- this whole little folder of stuff -- all in regards to his funeral & what needs to be done in case he becomes a casualty of war. I'm supposed to be filling it out for him (yes, he is that type of husband -- leave it to the wife to fill out any & I do mean any, type of paperwork) but it's just been sitting on the table. I can't bring myself to touch it more less fill it out. Its silly, right? Its just paper. It doesn't mean something is going to happen to him -- it doesn't mean that it will not -- but for whatever reason, at this moment in time, I can't even come to grips with the idea of it... Blah.
Onto a different subject, I finally got in touch with Schofield's clinic! I was very shocked at how quickly they are answering the phones now. Miracles do happen, I presume lol. Even though I'm already 10 weeks, I get to go take a test to prove I am pregnant & then we will go from there. I'm quite excited, especially knowing that for the next couple of appointments, he will be there by my side -- hearing the little heartbeat & seeing our little lovebug on the ultrasound screen :) It means the world to me -- & I know it means even more to him.

Wow. I am a huge slacker. I'm never going to get this picture thing down. I can't remember to do it on a daily basis. Oh, well, its only meant to kind of help me countdown this year lol. If I miss a few days here and there, I guess that's ok.
The concert went amazing Sunday night. I knew Avenged Sevenfold was pro-military, but I have a whole knew respect for them. They are one of the bands that travels overseas quite often to perform for our troops. They dedicated a nice amount of time to our troops that night. It was nice to hear them get some recognition. Anywho -- I would post some pictures but me, being the genius that I am, happened to delete every photo on my memory card that night, therefore, all of my good photos are obsolete.
The baby's first appointment went ok today... I'm not enjoying them taking so much blood, but it's a must, right? Just a few more weeks & I can find out what my little lovebug is :D I'm so very excited!

6 more days!

Day 9

A Picture Of Something You Have Been Wanting To Do



I've put this off for far too long. There's no more excuses anymore. Come May, pregnant or not, I'll finally be heading back to persue some sort of career :D

Tonight, yes, is one of those nights. My hormones are raging & I can't stop them. Therefore, I'm just giving in. I'll scream, cry, do whatever makes me feel better. Only I can't -- I can't just be by myself. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed & this time for a change, not over anything in particular. There's several people I have to somewhat associate with that I absolutley CANNOT stand for the life of me. They are low-lifes... Losers. (Not that I am all high and mighty -- but I put my family/husband first, I don't think I'm better than anybody else nor do I act it, I live on my own, & I don't count on everybody else to take care of me.) There's really no purpose in confronting these individuals -- it'll only cause more drama than its worth -- but at the same time, I am having a very difficult time keeping my mouth shut & my opinions to myself.
I miss my husband. My situation could be so much worse. He could be deployed right now and I could have months and months left til I get to see him & I could be waiting weeks to even hear from him. Thankfully that is not the case -- but God, the telephone is just not enough right now. I just want to be with him -- physically. I want him here next to me, not 1,000 miles away. I know, I have a little over a week left & I keep telling myself that because of that I'm very lucky & I know I am, I know I need to quit bitching, I just need to let it all out.
I respect his decision to join the army. I admire his courage to do so. But at the same time I'm so confused as to what I am supposed to do in the meantime. The long time periods that leaves me alone. We're stationed so far away from everything & everybody. Is it bad that I kind of like that fact? (I don't know, I have mixed feelings about it.) The last thing that I truely wanted to do was come back to Kentucky when he deployed. Granted, financially, it would be the best thing for us. But I just don't want it. Now that I'm having the baby, I feel stuck. Like my decision is basically made for me -- the grandparents, family, friends, they are all here. What kind of person would I be taking the baby away from them?... And even though I know I have every single bit of support from him & I know he is by my side through it all -- whether its physically or my just knowing -- I kind of feel alone. Helpless, confused, and alone. I do not handle well to feeling helpless or out of control.
Oh well... There's so much more I wish I could just let out on here... But there really isn't too much of a point. By doing so it won't change a thing. Ugh. If only something would change, that would be more than nice.


Day 8

A Picture Of When You Were Happy



No need to explain.