It is true. Sometimes you just have to cry.
I thought I was getting better -- accepting the fact that he's leaving, focusing on the positives of this upcoming year... My outlook on things was looking up. Don't get me wrong, not the smallest part of me wants/wanted him to leave, I was just trying to embrace the whole "accept what you can and cannot change" type of thing. Then it hit me. Once again. Out of nowhere. Laying in bed, my mind began to race, he turned over to put his arm around me & the tears began to pour. Ever since, its been a nightly event. I can't eat, granted I try. Sleep, well, its just impossible. Blah. Anybody know any miracle cures to clear ones mind?

It Don't Matter Where I Lay My Head Tonight, Your Arms Feel Like Home...

Nights like tonight. Those simple, routine nights. Him playing his video games, me relaxing on my laptop. A kiss in between rounds. The little smiles across the room. I'm going to miss. My gosh, I'm going to miss them so very much. I've realized the fights are going to happen. I was almost certain they wouldn't. Everyone else may get into those pre-deployment fights perhaps even fights during deployment, I thought, but not us. We're different. Ha. Bull. We're human just like everybody else & stress/fear/worrying has a way of getting the best out of everybody at some point & let me tell you, this past little bit has been rough. Me, with my wonderful crazy woman hormones, & his short-edged temper, needless to say, we've bumped heads quite a lot. But then those little things occur, a wise-crack, someone laughs, or whatever & all is well again. That's how I know we will be okay. I was desperatley trying to keep things to myself -- if he would upset me by doing something or by doing nothing at all (I am pregnant -- he can look at me the 'wrong' way sometimes & my world turns upside down & i'm in misery lol) I wouldn't say a word for I didn't want to argue at all before he leaves. Genius thought, right? Instead, things just built up and I'd explode eventually. Bad idea. If a fight occurs, I'm just going to let it happen. Talk calmly of course & make every attempt to end it quickly, but the fact of the matter is, I think at times we need to let all of that negative energy release. Perhaps at each other isn't the best possible outlet, but it happens. Doesn't mean we love each other any less.

"This life ain't the fairytale we both thought it would be but I can see your smiling face as its staring back at me... I know we both see these changes now... I know we both understand somehow..." -- 3 doors down

I simply can't believe how fast time is flying by. Literally, it is just zipping right on past. This has already been one busy month. Pre-inspection for moving out tomorrow. The one thing I am not sad to leave behind is Hawaii Military Housing. Holy cow, these places are something else!! Can we say never dealing with on-post housing here again? Yes, yes we can. Hopefully they don't make the attempt to charge us an arm and a leg for their cheap housing. Hell, $2011 for rent should cover EVERY possible damage out there. (& trust me, we haven't vandalized a thing -- we do take care of the place we live in...) Anywho, wish me all the luck with them tomorrow. Something tells me I am going to need it.

Ok. Sigh. Take a deep breath. One day at a time... One day at a time... Deployment, you are almost here & it already feels as if you are winning. I already hate you.
Now, with that being said...
I'm reading this book. Or attempting to, I get distracted way too easily it seems to finish anything. (Should make going back to school quite the challenge) It was recommended to me by an old friend back when she was pregnant. Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy. Granted, she is not the best writer by a long shot, she's blunt & totally tells it exactly how it is. She covers it all -- the gruesome details to the funny ones. I'm loving it. If your pregant or want kids someday -- read it. Its a good laugh.
Well, not too much is going on at the moment. A lot of bs his unit is pulling has got the both of us pretty upset. I'm really disliking the army at the moment. All I can and will say, I will be very happy & relieved once his term is up. Although if he may re-enlist, I'll support him 100%, but it wouldn't be breaking my heart if he decided enough was enough & we put it behind us. I actually enjoy the military life, oddly enough. But the constant bs him & his guys are put through, (things that are COMPLETELY avoidable... I'm not referring to those that are beyond anybodys control) is more than I think is fair, especially when they are all deploying so soon.

Goodbye normal self, hello Psycho. I've never been so hormonal in my life. I can honestly say I feel for those around me, strangers and all. The first time I spased out over a can of Spaghetti-os, I knew it was getting bad. I cry for no reason & as I cry, I can say I have no clue what is wrong, but at the same time, I cannot stop the tears. I can get completely evil on the spin of a dime, usually over food. I'll clear this up. I can't eat much & I don't crave too much, so when I do want something & I can't get it or its sucky (which is usually the case), I get a little upset lol. It is absolutley horrible when you're starving but you can't eat anything!!
Baby's first doctors appointment is here in an hour or so. I'm ready to see my lil love bug on that ultrasound screen & to hear the heartbeat :) I think I still have yet another appointment to make an appearance at before I get that privledge, but the anticipation is killing me!!!

Why is it that I let little comments get under my skin so easily? Simple little things that come out of people's mouths that are soo.... hypocritcal. Being honest with everybody is the best way to go. That is wonderful. Preach it. (when you live a life so full of secrets that you can't even have a clear conversation with somebody because you stumble on your lies -- you forget who you told what to.) Eh. I ask myself, why does it matter? It doesn't. It really doesn't. It just makes me... frustrated. *sigh* the people you have hope for.

A night in. A homecooked meal & an evening full of House. Sounds wonderful & much needed for the both of us. Today's been on off day. Missing individuals whom I don't know why. Resisting the urge to pick up the phone to text or call them. Pregnancy hormones getting the best of me? Its a possibility.
I keep thinking forward to this next month. Its going to be so busy!! So much to do in such a small amount of time. Is it bad that just thinking about it exhausts me?! Moving, yet again. Not looking forward to that one at all. Oh, Hawaii, I'll miss you tons! (minus the dreadful H1 & 2 lol.)

I didn't think that it would hit me as hard as it did. Seeing written on paper finalized it. Made it real. Too real. Devastating.
He will be safe, they all will be safe. They'll make it back home & this deployment will just be another milestone passed. But that's what people are supposed to say., right? When they are attempting to make you feel better & they have nothing else better to say. One should keep that frame of mind, nonetheless. For others, it simply isn't that easy.
I expected this once the contract was signed. I've known it for sure for months. Therefore I have no clue as to why it is affecting me so horribly now, at this moment. Perhaps because that date is set. The official countdown begins. I know when I'm going to have to say goodbye. I'm not sure how I am going to do it. I'm not sure I can handle it. People get through these things. That I am aware of. There's no written *how to* list. Its just something you do. It basically comes down to the fact that I don't know how strong I am. Yes. At the moment, I am focusing on myself. I know my life is going to change drastically but not nearly as much as his but (minus having the baby) him being absent from my life is as drastic as it could get for me. It is my worst nightmare.
It will get better for me. This I know. Awaiting him leaving on top of my hormones being out of whack is torture. I just have to be strong. Not so much for myself, but for him. For not only is he my rock, I am his. My well being affects him if not more than his own. God give me strength and courage. I feel as if I'm lacking it majorly.