These past few days have been... different. I don't know how else to categorize it. My thought process isn't right... It's very off. I cannot seem to get into the swing of things. No motivation (when I have every reason to have motivation...) I just feel like I cannot dig myself out of this huge whole, instead, I just keep digging myself a little bit deeper.

I'm working on keeping my head up. I can't even say that I am so down because he is gone. Granted, it is far from the easiest thing in the world, but I have it engraved in my mind that we do not have too much longer. I'm not too sure the reason. All I'm certain of is that I do not like it. Not one bit.

Fear.

It is a very scary feeling.

Helpless.

Not being in control is something I have a very tough time handling.

Letting go of it all & placing it into God's hands. I'm working very hard on doing this. Being a control freak is a horrible trait of mine. In every aspect of my life I have to be able to plan and know the specifics of everything. Military life + those traits do not mix well together. Life in general doesn't mix too well, but when somebody else is constantly calling the shots, its even worse. I'm trying to wrap my head around & live by the Serenity prayer. I need it now more than ever.

You used to be my rock, the person who made everything okay. I admired so much about you and strived to be like you -- but you overlooked me. How was I to know how terrible things truly was? That you didn't have it together as well as I believed. I never knew the problems were so huge and awful, even then. I never would have dreamed that you would allow them to overcome you as you have. I still cannot believe how they have made your priorities change. It tears me apart inside that these "problems" you are completely aware of yet refuse to do a thing about and how you place them above everything else. I know for a fact I will never be able to forgive you nor forget what you have put the people I care most about as well as myself through -- especially since you never seem to show any remorse nor acknowledgement towards any of it.

I've decided to not follow a guide, if there is something on my mind, I'm going to vent. There's too much flowing in this head of mine. Someway, somehow I am going to have to be able to collect my thoughts and make sense of everything.

I'm lonely. Thats about the simplest way to express my current state. There's only so much time a single person can spend alone before it begins to eat at them. I miss him. The time that he has left is diminishing, but still not quickly enough to spare the tears and the emptiness inside. My little guy helps me get through everyday and while its not fair to put so much on him, he is what gets me through. That and of course, knowing this deployment isn't forever. Too bad logical thinking can't beat emotions when they get the best of you.

I've been tossing back and forth the decision to go back to work. Part of me thinks its just too soon and not worth my time. One parent is going to miss so many little moments with him, why should both of us when one of us has the choice not to? A little extra money simply isn't worth it. But then on the other hand, having a little "adult" time is a necessity to keep my sanity and the extra money would be beneficial. Oh, decisions, decisions.

I never ever could imagine how something could instantly change your entire life forever. How something could change your perspective, views, moods, & everything else so immensely. I love my little boy so much <3

August has proven to be quite interesting. Entering the last month of my pregnancy, bringing closer the day that my husband's arms are finally wrapped around me, and simply just a lot of growth. I see some things so much more clearly now, more so than I ever have. But then on the other hand, some things are just as foggy. But... its progress. & Lord knows, progress is what I need.
I've realized a lot. I run my mouth a lot. (not behind peoples backs persay, anything I have to say, I'm perfectly capable of saying face-to-face.) However, I need to grow up in ways such as that. I don't ALWAYS have to have something to say. I've always been a good listener. Sometimes I need to keep it that way. Restrict throwing in my opinion and simply listen. That's a goal for the rest of this year.
Anyways. What's been going on the past little bit? Tyler is working fast at getting here & my body simply cannot keep up. I'm exhausted 99% of the time & while I push myself, I still can't seem to get anything done that needs to be done. I am so ready for all of this stress to be OVER with.
Baby showers went wonderful thanks to some amazing individuals that I am so very blessed to have in my life. Work is being very understanding, which is always great. Being on my feet is killing me, though. Heck, being off my feet isn't much better anymore lol.
R&R is getting super duper close & I'm so very excited! I have lots planned for my hubs. Some surprises he could never ever imagine :) I'm just praying they all work out! I want his time home to be amazing!
Anywho, I've decided to restart a new challenge or as for today, just a srvey, since I'm horrible at completing them!! Ha. At least it gives me something to do on lonely nights like this one!!

A - Age - 22
B - Bed Size - Queen. Only for the time being. Please believe when it comes time for me to head back to Hawaii, a king we will be buying! The hubs may not be a big ol' guy, but he sure is a bed hog!
C - Chore you dislike - Bathrooms. Mainly because the roomie sheds like a dog haha. Within a day or so, it looks like I haven't touched a thing.
D - Dogs - Sadly, I have none. One more thing that has to wait until our return to the island.
E - Essential start to your day - Well, consistant movement & kicks in my belly for the past couple of months :)
F - Favorite color - Pink. I'm a girl, what can I say?
G - Gold or silver - Silver. WHITE gold :)
H - Height - 5'4
I - Instruments you've played - I'm musically challenged. Can't really play instruments or sing ha. But I really do want to learn to play the guitar.
J - Job title - Pharmacy Technician.
K - Kids - Tyler :) Who is due to make his appearance VERY soon!!
L - Live - Oboring, KY at the moment.
M - Mom's name - Pam
N - Nicknames - Jennie Beane, Baby Mama, Hot Mama (thanks to the roomie & the girlies at work lol)
O - Overnight hospital stays - Hmm.. delivery soon will be my one and only.
P - Pet peeves - Liars, cheaters, fake people.
Q - Quote from a movie - Hmm.. its late & I can't really think at the moment.
R - Righty or lefty - Lefty
S - Siblings - 2 AWESOME brother-in-laws, if that counts :)
T - Time you wake up - As of now, it all depends on when I have to work.
U - Underwear - Cute ones
V - Vegetables that you don't like - Spinich.
W - What makes you run late - Myself. That extra 15 minutes of sleep.
X - X-rays you've had - Plenty of my sinus cavity, chest xrays...
Y - Yummy food you make - I'm not that great of a cook, but I can make some awesome enchilladas.
Z - Zoo animals - Penguins & dolphins

How do you overcome that emptiness during deployment? I stay about as busy as I can, but anymore it just isn't enough. Maybe its just the typical excessive emotions of being almost 8 months pregnant that's making it worse. Who knows. I'm just overwhelmed with missing him. The thought of him not being here for the birth of our little boy terrifies me. I have this gut feeling that something just isn't going to go as planned. (Plans never work out, right?) And I just, I need him here. That is all there is to it. Nobody compares to him. He has the ability to calm me down, to put my mind at ease. Ugh. I know I'm having my own little pity party here. Forgive me. I just want him home, thats all.

Anyways.... for my little 30 days thingy....

Day 6

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