Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm not for sure why I continue to write on this. I guess its a little refreshing to get everything out every once in a while. To get it out and that be it. No responses, no questions. Actually its quite nice. After a long, stressful day at work that is exactly what I need. That and a nice, long, hot shower. My headaches are back and I must say that they have come back with a vengeance. I'm going to have to go back to the doctor. What fun that will be. And how expensive those tests will be. Just what I need to look forward to, spending money that I don't have. But I really can't take much more of them. Having the same exact headache for 3 and 4 days at a time with absolutely no relief is no fun.

I'm anticipating so much for these next couple of months. I don't want to set my hopes up too high. Lord knows I do not want to be let down, but it is so hard not to do. I'm setting my sights to the future and what I know will be so great. I need a change more than anything at this moment.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

**Keep your head up gorgeous, people would kill to see you fail.**

I believe that so many different things have continued to make me open my eyes wider and wider. I see things so differently now. I see people so much differently. I'm not as naive as I used to be. Granted, I'm still pretty naive, I continue to see the best in some people who just don't deserve it, but at least my eyes are open to it now. And I'm completely aware that they are nothing like what they once were. Not that anybody is like they once were. Life changes everybody and everything. The key is, not to let it change what you stand for and who you truely are deep down.

**There's a new wind blowin, like nothing I ever known. I'm breathin deeper than I've ever done..**

I'm actually following through with all of those *new years resolutions* that I've never stuck with previous years. And I'm proud of myself for it. I've learnt that sometimes you have to walk away from those who aren't doing you any good emotionally, no matter how hard it hurts. People rarely change. I've discovered that the hard way, on more than one occasion. Things are pretty tough right now, but I'm doing my best to keep my head up and not let it nor anything bring me down.

**I've forgiven myself for all the mistakes I've made..**

I know I'm not perfect and that sometimes I will not live up to the expectations that others have for me. All I can do is my best in life for my friends, my family, and myself. If I can tell myself that I have done all that I can do, I know I will not have any regrets. I look at myself over the past couple of years, in different types of relationships && friendships && I've noticed things I'm not entirely happy with. Things that I didn't see then but I see clearly now. I am NOT a doormat for anybody to wipe their feet on. I won't tolerate anybody taking advantage of me. Relationships are 50/50. If I can do my part and you can't do yours, then there isn't a relationship there. I refuse to keep people in my life whom I have to keep at a distance. Aside from those that I have no choice but to keep there. I don't have to have anybody in my life that brings me down. There is no sense in it. What kind of life would I be living if I continued to feel the need to watch anything and everything I say and do?

**I used to run in circles, going no where fast..**

I know there are many out there who just do not understand. They don't understand me nor the things I do. And thats fine. I don't feel the need to have to explain myself everytime I turn around. Its my life, right? I'll live it the way I choose to.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I'd Sacrafice My Beatin Heart Before I Lose You

13 days - excited.

Its amazing how things work themselves out. How you can spend so long pondering over something and be in nothing but utter confusion about it and then one day, wake up, and realize that you have it all figured out. And actually be for real about it. There is still so much in my life that I question and second guess and am not so sure about at the moment. But I'm only 21. I have time to figure those things out. On the things that truely matter right here and now, tho, I'm there. I know what I want and I know that nothing er nobody is going to stand in my way any longer.

** The only thing that I still believe in is you..**

I've figured out that I can live for me and still not be selfish. I know that there is nothing wrong with putting myself first at times, regardless if other people agree or understand it.

** You helped me live and learn.**

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010 ~ Happy New Year

Is it possible to have everything figured out but still be in utter confusion? I know, that made absolutley noooo sense but I'm not sure how else to put it!! I am completely happy but at the same time, not so much. I want more than anything for this year to be different, BETTER. I don't want the problems from last year to follow beside me this year... I'm making a strong attempt to brush everything off. Start brand new and I'll take care of everything as it comes my way.

**Define yer meaning of war. To me its wat we do when we're bored. I feel the heat coming up off of the blacktop, and it makes me want it more.**

I'm just so tired of being angry. And hurt. And all of those other emotions that nobody ever enjoys. I truely am looking for a change. No, I'll rephrase that. I'm in desperate need of one. And the only way for ANYTHING in my life to get better, I have to make one.

**Let's take a trip down memory lane. The word circling in my brain. You can treat this like another all the same. But don't cry like a bitch when u feel the pain..**

I want to face all of my problems and dilemma's head on. I'm through with backing down.

**This is hardly worth fighting for, but it's the little petty shit that I can't ignore. With my fist in yer face and yer face on the floor...**