Saturday, May 29, 2010

83 days and I'll finally be back in his arms again. Its amazing what a single month being away from each other does to you. I love how everybody says it gets easier. It definitley does NOT get easier. Do you get used to it? Yes. But it still sucks.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ever gotten so wrapped up into your own life that you forget that there is still a bigger world out there? People with bigger problems. Issues that make your little petty inconviences look, well, just like little petty inconviences. I've dealt with depression and being uphappy throughout my life. What teenage girl didn't go through it at some point? I've seen my mother fall deeper and deeper into it throughout the years. Luckily she is trying to pull herself up from it. But what happens to those that aren't successful? What happens when they can't save themselves from that black pool of loneliness? I recently found out an old friend of mine, her younger brother committed suicide the other day. I cannot begin to imagine the pain both her and her family are going through. It just makes a million thoughts run through my head. I wish I could understand what makes a person feel as if they have no other choice.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Tonight just isn't a good night for me. Its 1 am and all I can do is think. I can't turn my mind off and relax. I feel so confused and scared of what the future holds. I keep thinking about his deployment. Yes, I know, he hasn't gotten his orders, he hasn't even gotten out of boot camp yet. But its just knowing that he will and soon enough, he will get his orders and that dreaded date will be marked. Its been exactly two weeks && I can't even explain how lonely I feel && how much I miss him. My phone is my best friend. I keep it with me 24/7 in hopes that he will call so I can hear his voice, even if its only for a couple of seconds. I know he is going through more hell than I am, at least I have familiar faces to surround myself with, but its hard. And for some reason, tonight is the night that I've chosen to sit and think about the future. I'm surviving now, even though I'm miserable. At least I do know that he is safe and taken care of. How am I going to make it when he is deployed for a year && I have NO clue what is going on one day from the next? I know things like this you just have to get through when they get here. You can't fret about them nor can you prepare yourself. But its so difficult not too. I just wish things would have been easier for us. I kind of wish we would have felt like we had more options. Ugh. Night's like tonight, I just need to be in his arms.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'm All Out Of Breath... My Walls Are Closing In...

I let too many people hold me back sometimes.. I've come to that realization. And its very hard to change that. I never realized how scared I am of disappointing people or even just pissing them off. I'll let people walk all over me long before I stand up for what I want and put a stop to it. How do you change that when you are so accustomed to it, like its second nature?

**Daylight dies, blackout the sky.. Is anybody there?? Does anybody care??**

Today marks day 2 without any letters, 3 days since a phone call. I'm surviving. Not going crazy or anything quite yet. Already tho, I'm sick of this distance, no contact thing. I don't see how women (girlfriends/wives) can handle this throughout their whole entire lives. One deployment is going to destroy me. I know this already. But when your husband is in the military and it is their career, 1 deployment is nothing. You go through several deployments each year. I don't think I could deal with being away from my husband that much throughout our lives. I guess you have to do what you have to do. And I may just have to get accustomed to it.

**No longer the lost.. No long the same..**

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Oh Won't You Walk Through && Bust Through The Door && Take Me Away...

There's got to be a recipe for a good pick-me-up. The past few days all I feel like doing is sleep. Its like it completely overwhelms me and I can't even keep my eyes open. I get a spurt of energy while I'm at work but the second I get home, its a whole other story. Bluh. I'm never going to get anything done going this route.

**Comparisons are easily done, once you've had a taste of perfection..**

For a girl getting married in a year, you definitley would not guess that I am one of them. I've barely done any wedding planning. I haven't even decided where I'm going to have the dang thing at!! I still have 1 more bridesmaid that I need to choose!! How awful is that? It would be helpful if he was fine with letting me choose who was my bridesmaids, just as I let him choose who he wanted to be his groomsmen lol. I've got my colors picked out and my flowers. The reception? Not even close. I know how I want my cake, the colors and everything. And I actually do know who is going to do it as well as my pictures.. Boy, I still got a loooong way to go.

**Like an apple hanging from a tree, I picked the ripest one..**

I remind myself of my mother everyday. One way or another. I always talk myself out of things. I've got so many things to do and I need to follow through with a lot of decisions I've recently made. I wish procrastation wasn't such a close friend of mine.

**Oh, I wish I was looking into your eyes...**

Monday, May 10, 2010

Holding Your Scarred Heart In Hand, Its All The Same..

Choices. They are so much easier to determine when somebody else makes the decision for you. Its always easier if you have somebody else telling you what you should do. Life, however, does not work that way. Nobody can choose how you should live your life or who you should live it with. Only you know what truely makes you happy and what will not. You are the only person who can makes those little decisions that will play out your life, whether its simple or difficult. You have to be your own person and not rely on other people's imput to put the finishing touches on what you do.

***And I'll take you for who you are, if you'll take me for everything...**

Its such a relief to know that I'm not the only person feeling so.. alone and lonely. I received 2 letters from him today. I've never smiled so big at receiving mail. I can't believe that we are so alike. More than half of what I have written to him but have yet to sent, he spelled out in all of his letters. Its nice to have somebody that you have common ground with. We've always had a communication problem. He gets mad easily and lets the entire world know how he feels when he's angry or hurt. I close up and keep everything to myself. Its not a good mix in a relationship. But we are making so much headway now. And its just getting better. Its insane how some really good advice/help from a really great friend fixed all of that. I've learnt to focus on what is important. There is always going to be problems in a relationship. Its when you quit fighting and let those problems overrule your relationship that you've failed. You lose focus on why you were ever together. And when you reach that point and your too stubborn to get over shit and let it go, that you need to simply realize that its over. I'm glad we surpassed all of that.

**I don't mind, I don't care.. As long as your here..**

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tomorrow's Just One Day Closer

It completely baffles me how just speaking to him lightens up my entire day. Cheesy, I know. But seriously. Everybody keeps telling me him being gone is really going to test our relationship. That it will either make it or break it. If anything I belive us being apart is only going to make us stronger. Its something neither of us has ever had to endure before, ever. Its only making us closer. Its so weird to look forward to a phone call and to checking the mail every single day as much as I do now. The nights are getting easier for me. I can sleep, just not too restfully. I'm getting there though. It'll all get better in time, right? *crosses fingers*

Friday, May 7, 2010

I'm just completely and utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically. I can't even think straight, not that thats something new. I wish I could just get one full nights sleep. You know the good sleep, not the waking up every hour on the hour type. Very unlikely that it'll happen, just saying it'd be nice.
I think I'm different from a lot of people. I get lost inside my own head when I'm upset and stressed. I'm not a good people person. I'm not very sociable. Only with those close to me. I can't put up a front or a show if my life isn't going well.
Very pointless entry, just felt like writing something.

But all the miles that seperate, disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face..

Its a funny thing how dramatically emotions vary from day to day. How differently you feel about things in just 24 hours. Why can't a person just be nonchalant about problems? Stressing and worrying are just a pitiful way to waste the day.

**A hundred miles have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face...**

Its been a full day since I've heard from him. One day and I'm going crazy because I miss him so much. How sad is that? How am I supposed to be a good, supportive *army* wife when I can't even make it through a full 3 days without him? I was talking to a friend who gave me some very good advice. She told me that this is my time for me. My time to discover and find myself. She advised for me not to make him my entire life, but to make him simply a part of it. As wonderful as that sounds, its so much easier said that done. I find myself wanting to surround myself with friends but all the while I simply feel entirely alone, even when I'm in a room full of people. How do I fix that? He is the only thing in this world that makes me feel... complete.

** A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same..**

I need to find something to occupy my time. Something aside from work. I have my friends, but even something aside from them. I need to discover something that I am interested in, something that I can invest myself in and feel good about myself for. Hmm. It would be great if I even had the slightest clue of what that could be.

**Everything I know and everywhere I go, it gets hard, but it won't take away my love..**