I'm taking it day by day. Cherishing every GOOD thing that happens. Focusing on the POSITIVE of everyday. I want to make my marriage work. I want to have a happy, healthy family for my son. Maybe if I back off just a little bit and not focus on every little thing that upsets me, brush off the things that need to be brushed off, all of us will be happier and in a better place.

I am anxiously awaiting my acceptance packet for school. The days are draaaagging by slower and slower as I wait for the mail. (funny how time slows when you are waiting for something.) This is the first time in a long time that I've felt proud of myself. I have put off school for so long, whether it be because of moving or some excuse. I am just ready to get my degree and have a career. I'm ready to be a mother my son can be proud of.

The holidays are approaching so quickly this year. Actually, I guess its safe to say, as they do every year. So much shopping to get done and I don't even know where to begin!! It is going to be wonderful, though, getting to be a family this year. Little monkey will have his daddy here this year :)

Its almost here. This past year is just about over. Did I honestly see myself making it to this point? I knew I would get through it. As a army wife that is what you do - push, press, deal, and "get" through life without your husband by your side. But I thought I would be more prepared for his homecoming. For the reality that will set in after he has been home and the new-ness is gone. The thought of it actually terrifies me as much as it excites me. He left simply me. He's coming back to a family and a life I've had to establish while he was away. The last thing I want to sound like is ungrateful or selfish. I want my husband home. If I had things my way, he would be walking through my front door at this very moment in time. However, we have both changed. We have both been through a lot this year. How will our communication be? Open or restricted? We do not get to speak much now. We only discuss daily topics - general things. Nothing in depth. No worries, hopes, dreams, fears, emotions... Am I silly to be worried? Things should simply fall into place, right? But will they?

It has been brought to my attention, on more than one occasion, that I tend to speak without thinking. From personal experience, I know words can be brutal. However, I never thought I would be the one pulling that trigger. When and where I lost my sensitivity, I've yet to discover. Who would have thought not thinking before you speak would be such a hard habit to break? Tonight, however, I do believe I did just fine. Sometimes I wonder when is the time for me to unload and when should I keep quiet. A friend made several unnecessary comments tonight -- partially regarding things she has never experienced therefore her opinion means nothing, and the other part, was simply rude. At least when I spit off at the mouth, my words simply come out wrong and for the most part, I don't mean to sound like such a bitch. Tonight, however, I feel as if the comments were directed at me in a mean way. Oh well. I'm threw with focusing and dealing with individuals that mean nothing. Friends do not mistreat friends, right? Therefore, if she continuously disrespects me, it shouldn't be too difficult to take our "friendship" to an "acquaintance" level. Fine by me either way. I'm on a high. My world is almost back to perfect. Nothing and nobody is going to take that from me.

These past few days have been... different. I don't know how else to categorize it. My thought process isn't right... It's very off. I cannot seem to get into the swing of things. No motivation (when I have every reason to have motivation...) I just feel like I cannot dig myself out of this huge whole, instead, I just keep digging myself a little bit deeper.

I'm working on keeping my head up. I can't even say that I am so down because he is gone. Granted, it is far from the easiest thing in the world, but I have it engraved in my mind that we do not have too much longer. I'm not too sure the reason. All I'm certain of is that I do not like it. Not one bit.

Fear.

It is a very scary feeling.

Helpless.

Not being in control is something I have a very tough time handling.

Letting go of it all & placing it into God's hands. I'm working very hard on doing this. Being a control freak is a horrible trait of mine. In every aspect of my life I have to be able to plan and know the specifics of everything. Military life + those traits do not mix well together. Life in general doesn't mix too well, but when somebody else is constantly calling the shots, its even worse. I'm trying to wrap my head around & live by the Serenity prayer. I need it now more than ever.

You used to be my rock, the person who made everything okay. I admired so much about you and strived to be like you -- but you overlooked me. How was I to know how terrible things truly was? That you didn't have it together as well as I believed. I never knew the problems were so huge and awful, even then. I never would have dreamed that you would allow them to overcome you as you have. I still cannot believe how they have made your priorities change. It tears me apart inside that these "problems" you are completely aware of yet refuse to do a thing about and how you place them above everything else. I know for a fact I will never be able to forgive you nor forget what you have put the people I care most about as well as myself through -- especially since you never seem to show any remorse nor acknowledgement towards any of it.

I've decided to not follow a guide, if there is something on my mind, I'm going to vent. There's too much flowing in this head of mine. Someway, somehow I am going to have to be able to collect my thoughts and make sense of everything.

I'm lonely. Thats about the simplest way to express my current state. There's only so much time a single person can spend alone before it begins to eat at them. I miss him. The time that he has left is diminishing, but still not quickly enough to spare the tears and the emptiness inside. My little guy helps me get through everyday and while its not fair to put so much on him, he is what gets me through. That and of course, knowing this deployment isn't forever. Too bad logical thinking can't beat emotions when they get the best of you.

I've been tossing back and forth the decision to go back to work. Part of me thinks its just too soon and not worth my time. One parent is going to miss so many little moments with him, why should both of us when one of us has the choice not to? A little extra money simply isn't worth it. But then on the other hand, having a little "adult" time is a necessity to keep my sanity and the extra money would be beneficial. Oh, decisions, decisions.