Saturday, January 29, 2011

Tonight, yes, is one of those nights. My hormones are raging & I can't stop them. Therefore, I'm just giving in. I'll scream, cry, do whatever makes me feel better. Only I can't -- I can't just be by myself. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed & this time for a change, not over anything in particular. There's several people I have to somewhat associate with that I absolutley CANNOT stand for the life of me. They are low-lifes... Losers. (Not that I am all high and mighty -- but I put my family/husband first, I don't think I'm better than anybody else nor do I act it, I live on my own, & I don't count on everybody else to take care of me.) There's really no purpose in confronting these individuals -- it'll only cause more drama than its worth -- but at the same time, I am having a very difficult time keeping my mouth shut & my opinions to myself.
I miss my husband. My situation could be so much worse. He could be deployed right now and I could have months and months left til I get to see him & I could be waiting weeks to even hear from him. Thankfully that is not the case -- but God, the telephone is just not enough right now. I just want to be with him -- physically. I want him here next to me, not 1,000 miles away. I know, I have a little over a week left & I keep telling myself that because of that I'm very lucky & I know I am, I know I need to quit bitching, I just need to let it all out.
I respect his decision to join the army. I admire his courage to do so. But at the same time I'm so confused as to what I am supposed to do in the meantime. The long time periods that leaves me alone. We're stationed so far away from everything & everybody. Is it bad that I kind of like that fact? (I don't know, I have mixed feelings about it.) The last thing that I truely wanted to do was come back to Kentucky when he deployed. Granted, financially, it would be the best thing for us. But I just don't want it. Now that I'm having the baby, I feel stuck. Like my decision is basically made for me -- the grandparents, family, friends, they are all here. What kind of person would I be taking the baby away from them?... And even though I know I have every single bit of support from him & I know he is by my side through it all -- whether its physically or my just knowing -- I kind of feel alone. Helpless, confused, and alone. I do not handle well to feeling helpless or out of control.
Oh well... There's so much more I wish I could just let out on here... But there really isn't too much of a point. By doing so it won't change a thing. Ugh. If only something would change, that would be more than nice.

Day 8

A Picture Of When You Were Happy

No need to explain.