Thursday, December 9, 2010

Say What You Need To Say...

Here lately, I have so much weighing on me, its quite overbearing sometimes. I've had to sit back and regroup more in the past couple of months than I have in my entire life. The idea of my husband being gone and physically out of my life for a year or so is taking its toll on me. I've noticed that while I have grown a lot as a person & matured & all of that, there is still lots that is holding me back. Mostly myself. Since basic training, the fighting that used to occur often being us nearly disappeared. Things were truely amazing. Until recently. As his NTC training approaches (taking him away from me for a month), I've been quite the grouch. Moody & emotional & a tid bid mean, I've been all three. After a huge fall out, my eyes opened & they opened wide. I realized I need to focus on the important as well as the positive aspects of our lives & not let any of the upcoming events drag me down anymore than they have to. There is no way to be positive about deployment nor any training that is going to bring us apart, but focusing on it, I've noticed, brings out my fears. And I tend to take them out on others. Especially him. I'll fight about the tiniest things & make them explode into something huge. I'm not sure why I really do it & I usually don't realize it until after the fact. I know how hurtful & scarring words can be & I need to realize that before I let them escape my mouth. Especially now that our time is so limited. Adjusting to the military life is a very hard & difficult transition, much harder than I ever imagined. But I just want to take it for all its worth. I want to let the distance bring us closer & stronger & I want us to learn from this experience, for the good & the bad.