-- "There's no way I can see you for who you are when I can't forget who you were..." --
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 3:16 PM
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Had a wonderful night with some pretty great people. Its one benefit of the military - you're introduced and placed together with so many different types of people from all over the place that you otherwise would have never come into contact with. I love it. Its nights/times like these that I know I could get used to this type of lifestyle - minus the deployment, of course :D This is the kind of life that I always imagined for myself though. I never wanted to stay in one place. There's too much out there for me to see and people for me to meet. Staying in Owensboro would only have restricted me to. And, well, we all know, I'm not too big on restraints. Now if only I can incorperate this desire of mine into a career & practical lifestyle, that would be wonderful. I cannot and will not be an average stay-at-home wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that just isn't for me, not in the least bit. I just can't wait to get a real taste of what God's plan for me is. Its quite exciting.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 2:54 AM
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Here lately, I have so much weighing on me, its quite overbearing sometimes. I've had to sit back and regroup more in the past couple of months than I have in my entire life. The idea of my husband being gone and physically out of my life for a year or so is taking its toll on me. I've noticed that while I have grown a lot as a person & matured & all of that, there is still lots that is holding me back. Mostly myself. Since basic training, the fighting that used to occur often being us nearly disappeared. Things were truely amazing. Until recently. As his NTC training approaches (taking him away from me for a month), I've been quite the grouch. Moody & emotional & a tid bid mean, I've been all three. After a huge fall out, my eyes opened & they opened wide. I realized I need to focus on the important as well as the positive aspects of our lives & not let any of the upcoming events drag me down anymore than they have to. There is no way to be positive about deployment nor any training that is going to bring us apart, but focusing on it, I've noticed, brings out my fears. And I tend to take them out on others. Especially him. I'll fight about the tiniest things & make them explode into something huge. I'm not sure why I really do it & I usually don't realize it until after the fact. I know how hurtful & scarring words can be & I need to realize that before I let them escape my mouth. Especially now that our time is so limited. Adjusting to the military life is a very hard & difficult transition, much harder than I ever imagined. But I just want to take it for all its worth. I want to let the distance bring us closer & stronger & I want us to learn from this experience, for the good & the bad.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 10:59 AM
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Insomnia has definitley settled in for a long, extended, and not to mention, uninvited stay in my apartment. How can a person be so sleepy but not be able to sleep longer than, say, 30 minutes? Perhaps I am anticipating a little too much. My husband as well.
I've been thinking a lot here lately about what I want to do with my life. Career-wise, that is. The plan is to register for online classes in January and continue with school through his deployment. Granted, I have a whole lot of bs classes I have to take, I'm nowhere near ready to choose a major. Everybody tells me to pick nursing or something along those lines, but do I really want to wipe butts and clean bed pans? (Yeah, I know it isn't all about that... But everybody has to do it starting out...) I do want to help people though. I think I could get past the nastiness and inconviences such as those, but the problem is deciding if I want to.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 1:34 AM
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Why do people always wish time away? When I was young, I always wished to be older. Prayed and prayed for my 16th birthday, then my 18th, and lastly my 21st. I was full of expectiations, only to be let down. I couldn't exactly tell you what it was that I was expecting a number to change, but in my head, it was supposed to change everything. So, well, here I am, 21 years old and I still feel like I am 16. Lost and confused. Still trying to figure out who the hell I really am. Sounds so cliche, right? I'm not sure what it is that I am wanting out of my life, but it sure is a hell of a lot more than this. (Minus my marriage, of course)
I'm ready to weave a lot of people out of my life. No, I won't talk shit about them && pretend I am within good standings with them. I'll merely just distance myself away. It works out easiest that way.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 6:08 PM
Ever watched or listened to something that just set your mind into deep thought? Something that just makes you analyze everything in your life? Where you are, what your doing or in my case, what you haven't been doing, and just simply who you are, who you have become?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I've heard this question dozens of times. My current mind set is where were you 5 years ago? HAve you achieved the goals you set for yourself? Are you the type of person you wanted to be? Or are you still set in your old ways, even though you swear you've changed? If not, what are the reasons? What's holding you back? The answers usually are quite simple. And believe it or not, they are very easy to change, well, sometimes.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 1:48 PM
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Double-edged swords. I despise them ever so. Decision making can be quite difficult, especially when regardless of the choice you make, there are some pretty shitty consequences. I must say, these are the times that being a kid again would be nice.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 5:19 PM
Monday, November 8, 2010
I found an unsent letter the hubbie had written to me while he was in basic. The time setting was very close to the end of it all, when in just a week or so, I would finally be in his arms again. It brought a rush of emotions to me. (What's new, right?) And I know I've said it before, but I do not know how I am going to get through this deployment. I remember how alone I felt. But at least I knew he was safe. I'm hearing all of these horror stories about Afghanastan && it doesn't help my overanalyzing mind. Is it bad that I am that selfish? I do not want to go through it and even more so, I don't want my husband subjected to all that he is going to be exposed to. (More than any individual should ever have to see/do) I hear from other wives how different he will be, how many habits he will pick up, and of course, how he will never be the same. I don't want that for him. I don't wish that for anybody. I watch him everyday... He's always joking, acting like a geek, laughing, smiling... Is that all going to change? What is he going to be like?... I've never been more scared of anything in my life. Ugh. What a whiner I must sound like.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 5:10 PM
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I have to say I think its ironic how things play out. Being a small-town girl, I prayed and desired to move far, far away to a brand new place where everything was different. Once I got here, all I look for are things that are familiar to me. Things that remind me of home. Even the type of people that I meet here. The food. All of it. Maybe I'm not the type of person who accepts change too well? I always thought I was. Maybe its all about adjusting. I think I fight it most of the time. Not too sure why. I do it kinda inadvertantly.
I was talking to a friend yesterday. Her husband went to basic with my husband, they are in seperate companies, but hang out and talk when they can. She isn't wanting to go home during their upcoming deployment and inquired about us getting a place together here. Getting jobs, going to school, and splitting the bills. Its exactly what I truely wanted to do when I got here. Now I'm second guessing it. Not to mention the husband is dead set against it. (Granted, I understand his reasoning.) However, I just keep pondering over it. This is a once in a lifetime experience. I could always go home and visit, right? It may not seem like that big of a deal. It may even be quite simple, but we all know, I make nothing simple. I have to weigh every single pro and every single con.
I was going through Troy's packing list today. Ensuring he had every item he was going to need for his upcoming trip. And it hit me... Hard. I have exactly 4 months left with him. I realized that I am truely not ready to be without him again. I know it isn't healthy. Your husband is supposed to be a part of your life, not your entire life. But he is. He is my reason for everything. The only person that keeps me going. He is my life, my best friend, && my, well, everything. Anybody gone through a deployment? How do you get through it? I don't want my life to stop at a stand-still once again. And I know I'm the only person who has control of it, but without him here, I swear, I can't keep myself together. Or maybe I can, it's just hard. Very hard.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 3:52 PM
Monday, October 25, 2010
Its been quite some time since I've updated this thing. The very last post described how miserable and upset I was cause of my situation, well now I'm finally back in the arms of my wonderful husband && it is absolutely amazing!! I think perhaps I love him a little too much than its humanely possible. Things are so different now. The talk of his deployment has truthful spread a new light on things. We don't fight over trivial things anymore. We focus on whats important && that is our time together. Granted disagreements and arguments occur, but they are over and done with quite quickly. For anybody that knows us, that was never the case before. I'm so thankful that we found each other and that we are smart enough to realize how lucky we are to have what we have.
Starting our life new in Hawaii has definitely been a completely different experience. We both wanted to get away from home more than anybody. I don't think either of us truely realized how moving 5,000 miles away would impact us. I've enjoyed almost every minute of it. I'm definitley taking the time to see and experience all that I can before our short little time here is up, but missing family and friends back home can be a bit overwhelming at times, for the both of us. Then of course the cost to visit home is completely outrageous. One thing it has done is taught us to rely on each other. It has definitely done nothing but bring us closer and make our relationship stronger.
Living in Hawaii, now thats something else. Just like any place that you live, it has its pros and its cons. Moving here, I thought the one thing that I would absouletely have no problem with was satisfying my appetite. Boy was I wrong on that one. While there is some very nice and scrumptious places to eat here, there are plenty more that aren't so great. But on top of that, there is simply a lot of repetiveness. Rice, BB&Q, && billions of other Asian foods. Everywhere you turn. It gets a little old after a while. Not too much variety, unless you want to head to Honolulu every single outing.
The bugs are horrible. And when I say bugs, I mean bugs! Centepedes, Flying cockroaches, oh && even geckos. The cockroaches aren't your normal roaches. It doesn't matter whether your home is completley spotless && clean, or whether you live like a slob, they always seem to find a way to present themselves. && they are HUGE!! Speaking from being a devout hater of bugs, this isn't good for me. Not in the least bit.
There's so much more to say... Perhaps in a later post... <3
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 11:13 AM
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 11:19 PM
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 11:29 PM
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A friend just gave me some advice. Some very good advice actually. He phrased it in a way that I just never thought of before. Of course, being having a husband married to the army, my life is never going to be really all that steady, unless you call bouncing around from place to place every 2 to 3 years steady... Back to what he was telling me, he told me that once I get to where I am going to not look for it to be like home, because it won't. He advised me to go out and explore && find out what makes the place great for what it actually is.. that no matter where I am, it's all the same... Its the people and what I do with it that will make it amazing. Its very simple advice, but my mind just doesn't think that way sometimes. It opened my eyes just a little bit. I have to have this outlook living the type of life that I am going to be living. Just to think, I am going to meet a bunch of wonderful people in my life && I am going to see a lot of different things, I need && want to make the absolute best of it.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 12:56 PM
Monday, August 2, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 11:17 PM
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Flyleaf.. definitley feeling their music today... their lyrics are just kinda fitting with my mood...
So, a rather interesting conversation with my soldier this morning has left me contemplating... It turned my mind back onto overdrive and the topic of our discussion is all that I can think of. Its a serious thing, a big deal, completely life-altering, but in an amazing way. I've just only got a few setbacks... Setbacks that I'm desperately trying to overcome, after all, I do not have much of a choice but to get passed them. They aren't going to change, so I guess that leaves the changing to me, right?
It never ceases to amaze me. The one thing that you always want is always the one thing that you can't have. And that feeling, that overwhelming feeling of desperately wanting, needing that simple thing never lets up. I dislike it very much so.
Today should be a good day.. I did get to talk to the love of my life multiple times (you have no idea how good that feels..) and I'm fixing to head to my bridal shower. Hopefully it stays this way. No breakdowns.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 10:57 AM
Friday, July 23, 2010
How do you truely find out who you are? Or what you want? I'm not even too clear on what my expectations are.. on anything, anymore. At some point over the past couple of years I've completely lost sight of just about everything. I know who matters to me. I know who is important. I haven't completely succeeded in having a backbone 100% of the time, but I'm getting better. Its just everything else that I have lost. I used to be able to get lost in my writing, now I can barely think of what to write. I used to have dreams and interests and love be social with friends, now its the complete opposite. My main focus of course is my marriage. Aside from that it's bills. Ever since I turned 18, that has had to be my focus. I completely robbed myself of the luxury of being, I guess, a teenager. Or perhaps it was my mother. Our relationship. After all that was the reason for me leaving as soon as I did. Of course, college was put on the back burner. I had to pay for my bills, stupid ex's bills, food, and all of the wonderful things adults get to do. Now, I have somebody doing that for me. Somebody who is giving that time and opportuniy back to me. And I don't know what to do with myself.. I'm completely wasting even more time. I could have accomplished so much more in these past 2 months and I'm still at square one...
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 8:32 PM
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 1:07 AM
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 11:40 AM
Saturday, May 29, 2010
83 days and I'll finally be back in his arms again. Its amazing what a single month being away from each other does to you. I love how everybody says it gets easier. It definitley does NOT get easier. Do you get used to it? Yes. But it still sucks.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 12:02 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Ever gotten so wrapped up into your own life that you forget that there is still a bigger world out there? People with bigger problems. Issues that make your little petty inconviences look, well, just like little petty inconviences. I've dealt with depression and being uphappy throughout my life. What teenage girl didn't go through it at some point? I've seen my mother fall deeper and deeper into it throughout the years. Luckily she is trying to pull herself up from it. But what happens to those that aren't successful? What happens when they can't save themselves from that black pool of loneliness? I recently found out an old friend of mine, her younger brother committed suicide the other day. I cannot begin to imagine the pain both her and her family are going through. It just makes a million thoughts run through my head. I wish I could understand what makes a person feel as if they have no other choice.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 9:44 PM
Monday, May 17, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 11:12 PM
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 4:50 PM
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 6:04 PM
Monday, May 10, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 5:20 PM
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 8:45 PM
Friday, May 7, 2010
I'm just completely and utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically. I can't even think straight, not that thats something new. I wish I could just get one full nights sleep. You know the good sleep, not the waking up every hour on the hour type. Very unlikely that it'll happen, just saying it'd be nice.
I think I'm different from a lot of people. I get lost inside my own head when I'm upset and stressed. I'm not a good people person. I'm not very sociable. Only with those close to me. I can't put up a front or a show if my life isn't going well.
Very pointless entry, just felt like writing something.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 8:33 PM
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 5:32 AM
Friday, March 26, 2010
Its crazy how quickly things can change. In a week, in a month. Time seems to fly by so fast.
Its a pain having to lie and cover up for people all of the time. Its so much easier to straight up say what I want to say. The truth. But I have to be nice for the sake of everybody else, because its not my truth to tell.
Life is so complicated. One day is amazing, the next is just like hell. People come and go. The ones who matter stay. The ones who matter most to you, you don't let go. You refuse to give up on them. Others, no matter what, you still continue to hold at a distance, not entirely sure yourself why you keep them in your life.
I've noticed more and more how selfish the human race is. How many people find a way to make every situation, every occurance about themselves. Its quite humerous. And I've noticed how most people never really change. Regardless of how much they want to believe that they have. When your in complete denial, I guess you haven't reached the step where you realize that you are the one with a serious problem. Not that it matters because once that step is finally reached, its usually a little too late.
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 7:05 PM
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 4:02 PM
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 2:52 PM
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 5:27 PM
Friday, January 1, 2010
Posted by My Secret To Happiness at 12:38 PM