Thursday, December 30, 2010

-- "There's no way I can see you for who you are when I can't forget who you were..." --

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Had a wonderful night with some pretty great people. Its one benefit of the military - you're introduced and placed together with so many different types of people from all over the place that you otherwise would have never come into contact with. I love it. Its nights/times like these that I know I could get used to this type of lifestyle - minus the deployment, of course :D This is the kind of life that I always imagined for myself though. I never wanted to stay in one place. There's too much out there for me to see and people for me to meet. Staying in Owensboro would only have restricted me to. And, well, we all know, I'm not too big on restraints. Now if only I can incorperate this desire of mine into a career & practical lifestyle, that would be wonderful. I cannot and will not be an average stay-at-home wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that just isn't for me, not in the least bit. I just can't wait to get a real taste of what God's plan for me is. Its quite exciting.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Say What You Need To Say...

Here lately, I have so much weighing on me, its quite overbearing sometimes. I've had to sit back and regroup more in the past couple of months than I have in my entire life. The idea of my husband being gone and physically out of my life for a year or so is taking its toll on me. I've noticed that while I have grown a lot as a person & matured & all of that, there is still lots that is holding me back. Mostly myself. Since basic training, the fighting that used to occur often being us nearly disappeared. Things were truely amazing. Until recently. As his NTC training approaches (taking him away from me for a month), I've been quite the grouch. Moody & emotional & a tid bid mean, I've been all three. After a huge fall out, my eyes opened & they opened wide. I realized I need to focus on the important as well as the positive aspects of our lives & not let any of the upcoming events drag me down anymore than they have to. There is no way to be positive about deployment nor any training that is going to bring us apart, but focusing on it, I've noticed, brings out my fears. And I tend to take them out on others. Especially him. I'll fight about the tiniest things & make them explode into something huge. I'm not sure why I really do it & I usually don't realize it until after the fact. I know how hurtful & scarring words can be & I need to realize that before I let them escape my mouth. Especially now that our time is so limited. Adjusting to the military life is a very hard & difficult transition, much harder than I ever imagined. But I just want to take it for all its worth. I want to let the distance bring us closer & stronger & I want us to learn from this experience, for the good & the bad.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Insomnia has definitley settled in for a long, extended, and not to mention, uninvited stay in my apartment. How can a person be so sleepy but not be able to sleep longer than, say, 30 minutes? Perhaps I am anticipating a little too much. My husband as well.
I've been thinking a lot here lately about what I want to do with my life. Career-wise, that is. The plan is to register for online classes in January and continue with school through his deployment. Granted, I have a whole lot of bs classes I have to take, I'm nowhere near ready to choose a major. Everybody tells me to pick nursing or something along those lines, but do I really want to wipe butts and clean bed pans? (Yeah, I know it isn't all about that... But everybody has to do it starting out...) I do want to help people though. I think I could get past the nastiness and inconviences such as those, but the problem is deciding if I want to.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Why do people always wish time away? When I was young, I always wished to be older. Prayed and prayed for my 16th birthday, then my 18th, and lastly my 21st. I was full of expectiations, only to be let down. I couldn't exactly tell you what it was that I was expecting a number to change, but in my head, it was supposed to change everything. So, well, here I am, 21 years old and I still feel like I am 16. Lost and confused. Still trying to figure out who the hell I really am. Sounds so cliche, right? I'm not sure what it is that I am wanting out of my life, but it sure is a hell of a lot more than this. (Minus my marriage, of course)
I'm ready to weave a lot of people out of my life. No, I won't talk shit about them && pretend I am within good standings with them. I'll merely just distance myself away. It works out easiest that way.

Ever watched or listened to something that just set your mind into deep thought? Something that just makes you analyze everything in your life? Where you are, what your doing or in my case, what you haven't been doing, and just simply who you are, who you have become?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I've heard this question dozens of times. My current mind set is where were you 5 years ago? HAve you achieved the goals you set for yourself? Are you the type of person you wanted to be? Or are you still set in your old ways, even though you swear you've changed? If not, what are the reasons? What's holding you back? The answers usually are quite simple. And believe it or not, they are very easy to change, well, sometimes.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Double-edged swords. I despise them ever so. Decision making can be quite difficult, especially when regardless of the choice you make, there are some pretty shitty consequences. I must say, these are the times that being a kid again would be nice.

Monday, November 8, 2010


I found an unsent letter the hubbie had written to me while he was in basic. The time setting was very close to the end of it all, when in just a week or so, I would finally be in his arms again. It brought a rush of emotions to me. (What's new, right?) And I know I've said it before, but I do not know how I am going to get through this deployment. I remember how alone I felt. But at least I knew he was safe. I'm hearing all of these horror stories about Afghanastan && it doesn't help my overanalyzing mind. Is it bad that I am that selfish? I do not want to go through it and even more so, I don't want my husband subjected to all that he is going to be exposed to. (More than any individual should ever have to see/do) I hear from other wives how different he will be, how many habits he will pick up, and of course, how he will never be the same. I don't want that for him. I don't wish that for anybody. I watch him everyday... He's always joking, acting like a geek, laughing, smiling... Is that all going to change? What is he going to be like?... I've never been more scared of anything in my life. Ugh. What a whiner I must sound like.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I have to say I think its ironic how things play out. Being a small-town girl, I prayed and desired to move far, far away to a brand new place where everything was different. Once I got here, all I look for are things that are familiar to me. Things that remind me of home. Even the type of people that I meet here. The food. All of it. Maybe I'm not the type of person who accepts change too well? I always thought I was. Maybe its all about adjusting. I think I fight it most of the time. Not too sure why. I do it kinda inadvertantly.
I was talking to a friend yesterday. Her husband went to basic with my husband, they are in seperate companies, but hang out and talk when they can. She isn't wanting to go home during their upcoming deployment and inquired about us getting a place together here. Getting jobs, going to school, and splitting the bills. Its exactly what I truely wanted to do when I got here. Now I'm second guessing it. Not to mention the husband is dead set against it. (Granted, I understand his reasoning.) However, I just keep pondering over it. This is a once in a lifetime experience. I could always go home and visit, right? It may not seem like that big of a deal. It may even be quite simple, but we all know, I make nothing simple. I have to weigh every single pro and every single con.
I was going through Troy's packing list today. Ensuring he had every item he was going to need for his upcoming trip. And it hit me... Hard. I have exactly 4 months left with him. I realized that I am truely not ready to be without him again. I know it isn't healthy. Your husband is supposed to be a part of your life, not your entire life. But he is. He is my reason for everything. The only person that keeps me going. He is my life, my best friend, && my, well, everything. Anybody gone through a deployment? How do you get through it? I don't want my life to stop at a stand-still once again. And I know I'm the only person who has control of it, but without him here, I swear, I can't keep myself together. Or maybe I can, it's just hard. Very hard.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Its been quite some time since I've updated this thing. The very last post described how miserable and upset I was cause of my situation, well now I'm finally back in the arms of my wonderful husband && it is absolutely amazing!! I think perhaps I love him a little too much than its humanely possible. Things are so different now. The talk of his deployment has truthful spread a new light on things. We don't fight over trivial things anymore. We focus on whats important && that is our time together. Granted disagreements and arguments occur, but they are over and done with quite quickly. For anybody that knows us, that was never the case before. I'm so thankful that we found each other and that we are smart enough to realize how lucky we are to have what we have.
Starting our life new in Hawaii has definitely been a completely different experience. We both wanted to get away from home more than anybody. I don't think either of us truely realized how moving 5,000 miles away would impact us. I've enjoyed almost every minute of it. I'm definitley taking the time to see and experience all that I can before our short little time here is up, but missing family and friends back home can be a bit overwhelming at times, for the both of us. Then of course the cost to visit home is completely outrageous. One thing it has done is taught us to rely on each other. It has definitely done nothing but bring us closer and make our relationship stronger.
Living in Hawaii, now thats something else. Just like any place that you live, it has its pros and its cons. Moving here, I thought the one thing that I would absouletely have no problem with was satisfying my appetite. Boy was I wrong on that one. While there is some very nice and scrumptious places to eat here, there are plenty more that aren't so great. But on top of that, there is simply a lot of repetiveness. Rice, BB&Q, && billions of other Asian foods. Everywhere you turn. It gets a little old after a while. Not too much variety, unless you want to head to Honolulu every single outing.
The bugs are horrible. And when I say bugs, I mean bugs! Centepedes, Flying cockroaches, oh && even geckos. The cockroaches aren't your normal roaches. It doesn't matter whether your home is completley spotless && clean, or whether you live like a slob, they always seem to find a way to present themselves. && they are HUGE!! Speaking from being a devout hater of bugs, this isn't good for me. Not in the least bit.
There's so much more to say... Perhaps in a later post... <3

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Thursday, August 12, 2010

... I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...

So tired of sleepless nights. I could try to sleep, I suppose... But I know the outcome. I'll lay and toss and turn all night, my mind running rampid. This is all my nights have been consisting of. I'm lonely. Incredibly. Not that I don't have friends to surround myself with. I seen the majority of them daily. Its just different. A different kind of lonely. And I feel so stupid for being as down and out as I am for he comes home very soon. I just can't help but look at it as this is only the beginning. He comes home and I'll be complete && happy again... until I have to say goodbye again within the next 6-9 months. Only this time I'm saying goodbye for at the very least a year. I put up a good front but I'm barely dealing with him being gone for just 3 and a half months. I'm sorry to rant and rave about this so much. But I figure its better me being mopey on here versus expressing all of that negativity toward him. Lord knows that last thing I want is to put any amount of stress on him. I know the distance thing is just as hard on him, if not harder...

This insomnia thing, though, it really isn't working for me. I'm getting little tasks completed though by it. For instance tonight, I scrubbed and cleaned out my entire fridge. How productive, huh?! lol. I know, pretty lame. Maybe the apartment will be spotless once he comes home... just in time for us to move out of it...

Why does it always seem like when things are finally falling into place, you are where you want to be with your friends/family... Things are going good, it always tends to occur at or around the time when it is all about to be uprooted. I don't want to lose the relationships that I have with the people that I have them with. This summer I did accomplish one thing - I am more stronger and close to my friends than I have ever been, as well as my family. && I've been dying for that for so long. Now, I'm moving away from it all. Its awesome to always second guess what you truely want, isn't it? I wish I was a kid again sometimes. Having an adult to follow you around telling you to do this and not to do that was nice. Things were soo much easier. Why did I want to grow up so fast? I still feel like I'm 16 in highschool, trying to figure everything out.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

A friend just gave me some advice. Some very good advice actually. He phrased it in a way that I just never thought of before. Of course, being having a husband married to the army, my life is never going to be really all that steady, unless you call bouncing around from place to place every 2 to 3 years steady... Back to what he was telling me, he told me that once I get to where I am going to not look for it to be like home, because it won't. He advised me to go out and explore && find out what makes the place great for what it actually is.. that no matter where I am, it's all the same... Its the people and what I do with it that will make it amazing. Its very simple advice, but my mind just doesn't think that way sometimes. It opened my eyes just a little bit. I have to have this outlook living the type of life that I am going to be living. Just to think, I am going to meet a bunch of wonderful people in my life && I am going to see a lot of different things, I need && want to make the absolute best of it.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I Am Finding That Is Not The Way I Want My Story To End...

Why is it that you never ever seem to really learn? In your head and in your heart you truely know that certain people will never ever fully change. If their selfish, chances are they are never going to be selfless. If they constantly think of themselves first, well, you get the picture... So why is it that we always seem to give those people chance after chance, time and time again, even after they have proven to us that is simply how they are? Why do we put hope in our hearts for those people, when they truely do not deserve it && the people who do, if they slip up once, that's all it takes to shut them out? Human nature. I'll never understand it.

As I've said time and time again, I'm so sick of longing. I will be happy when I never have to count the days down to anything ever again. However, that just isn't going to happen, not with what I'm referring to at least.

I'll be in Hawaii in approximately a month. Its crazy how time flies by when you look back on it... My soldier && I will finally be able to begin our new little journey together. Lord knows I've done nothing but looked forward to it for the past 96 days. I keep looking at it as a fresh new start, literally in a brand new place where I know nobody. Endless possibilites, right? Enrolling in school, meeting new people, letting them form new && fresh opinions of me, the person I am now, not the person I used to be, sounds very appealing to me. Starting my life with my husband sounds even more wonderful. Maybe I'll finally discover myself. Just maybe.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

My voice will be heard today...

Flyleaf.. definitley feeling their music today... their lyrics are just kinda fitting with my mood...

So, a rather interesting conversation with my soldier this morning has left me contemplating... It turned my mind back onto overdrive and the topic of our discussion is all that I can think of. Its a serious thing, a big deal, completely life-altering, but in an amazing way. I've just only got a few setbacks... Setbacks that I'm desperately trying to overcome, after all, I do not have much of a choice but to get passed them. They aren't going to change, so I guess that leaves the changing to me, right?

It never ceases to amaze me. The one thing that you always want is always the one thing that you can't have. And that feeling, that overwhelming feeling of desperately wanting, needing that simple thing never lets up. I dislike it very much so.

Today should be a good day.. I did get to talk to the love of my life multiple times (you have no idea how good that feels..) and I'm fixing to head to my bridal shower. Hopefully it stays this way. No breakdowns.

Friday, July 23, 2010

How do you truely find out who you are? Or what you want? I'm not even too clear on what my expectations are.. on anything, anymore. At some point over the past couple of years I've completely lost sight of just about everything. I know who matters to me. I know who is important. I haven't completely succeeded in having a backbone 100% of the time, but I'm getting better. Its just everything else that I have lost. I used to be able to get lost in my writing, now I can barely think of what to write. I used to have dreams and interests and love be social with friends, now its the complete opposite. My main focus of course is my marriage. Aside from that it's bills. Ever since I turned 18, that has had to be my focus. I completely robbed myself of the luxury of being, I guess, a teenager. Or perhaps it was my mother. Our relationship. After all that was the reason for me leaving as soon as I did. Of course, college was put on the back burner. I had to pay for my bills, stupid ex's bills, food, and all of the wonderful things adults get to do. Now, I have somebody doing that for me. Somebody who is giving that time and opportuniy back to me. And I don't know what to do with myself.. I'm completely wasting even more time. I could have accomplished so much more in these past 2 months and I'm still at square one...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It doesn't matter when I'm coming home to you...

My mind's on overdrive once again tonight. So many thoughts racing through my head && here I am, powerless to stop it. Its an awful feeling when you feel like you have to choose. Choose to do whats right, what your heart tells you to do as well as your head, when you aren't too sure what the right thing really is. Or if there really is a such thing as a wrong decision in this case. Not that it matters one way or another. Emotions just make things so damn difficult. Why can't women be more like men? Aren't they supposed to be made of steel or something?..

I just keep thinking of what's to come in my life these upcoming years. I'm not quite sure I'm prepared for any of it, not that you can prepare for anything in life. You have to take it one day at a time. Handle life's hurdles as they are thrown at you. It terrifies me to leave everything behind. My family. My father. We've always been close, but in the past year the bond between us has done nothing but gotten stronger. His health isn't as well as he plays it off to be && his reluctance to get things checked out frightens me. The thought of me being so far away && anything happening to him, well, its something I can barely think about, and knowing that I can't be right there by his side doesn't make things any better. 3 years is a long time. I worry that I'm just not up to it. Of course I will be. I will follow and stand by my husbands side for my whole life. He is my soul mate, the only person in this world that gets me.. But that doesn't make anything any easier. I feel like by me leaving I'm letting certain people that are close to me down...

I know, I'm little miss negative. I'm moving to Hawaii. I should be estatic and I am excited, very excited but I know that once we are settled in, a new reality will hit. I plan to go back to school, work on my career, establish a new life of my own, possibly start a family even... But then the time comes for him to deploy. I'm a mess with him simply being gone a little over 3 months, much longer will devastate me. My life, once again, will just be at a stand-still. I'll go through the motions but there won't be much feeling there. Staying in Hawaii, alone, isn't what I really want to do. I know I have the option to come home and stay... But its like all of the progress that I make, the new life that I've started, I'm supposed to just put it on hold, move somewhere else, start over... Wait for him, then pick up where I left off? I know you can't have everything simply perfect, but still.. I know my thoughts will become more clearer. I'll begin to adjust and things will work themselves out. Just at the moment, I'm having difficulty seeing that far into the future. I don't mean to sound selfish or as if I am only thinking about myself. I respect my husband and that fact that he joined the Army, that he wants to make the military a career && that he is doing all that he can to provide for me. I am truely thankful to that. Its just figuring out whether I am going to be able to handle a life like this.. Its just very difficult to make and well, to even think of making, some of the sacrafices that will have to be made... And well, its just scarey.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Most days I'm fine. I get through the motions just fine. Simply overlook any hurt, any pain, and keep pushing through. But then there are certain moments when I hit my breaking point and I just can't take it anymore. I hear a song or experience a random memory and the day is all down hill from there. I feel so disconnected. I don't like this.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

83 days and I'll finally be back in his arms again. Its amazing what a single month being away from each other does to you. I love how everybody says it gets easier. It definitley does NOT get easier. Do you get used to it? Yes. But it still sucks.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Ever gotten so wrapped up into your own life that you forget that there is still a bigger world out there? People with bigger problems. Issues that make your little petty inconviences look, well, just like little petty inconviences. I've dealt with depression and being uphappy throughout my life. What teenage girl didn't go through it at some point? I've seen my mother fall deeper and deeper into it throughout the years. Luckily she is trying to pull herself up from it. But what happens to those that aren't successful? What happens when they can't save themselves from that black pool of loneliness? I recently found out an old friend of mine, her younger brother committed suicide the other day. I cannot begin to imagine the pain both her and her family are going through. It just makes a million thoughts run through my head. I wish I could understand what makes a person feel as if they have no other choice.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Tonight just isn't a good night for me. Its 1 am and all I can do is think. I can't turn my mind off and relax. I feel so confused and scared of what the future holds. I keep thinking about his deployment. Yes, I know, he hasn't gotten his orders, he hasn't even gotten out of boot camp yet. But its just knowing that he will and soon enough, he will get his orders and that dreaded date will be marked. Its been exactly two weeks && I can't even explain how lonely I feel && how much I miss him. My phone is my best friend. I keep it with me 24/7 in hopes that he will call so I can hear his voice, even if its only for a couple of seconds. I know he is going through more hell than I am, at least I have familiar faces to surround myself with, but its hard. And for some reason, tonight is the night that I've chosen to sit and think about the future. I'm surviving now, even though I'm miserable. At least I do know that he is safe and taken care of. How am I going to make it when he is deployed for a year && I have NO clue what is going on one day from the next? I know things like this you just have to get through when they get here. You can't fret about them nor can you prepare yourself. But its so difficult not too. I just wish things would have been easier for us. I kind of wish we would have felt like we had more options. Ugh. Night's like tonight, I just need to be in his arms.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I'm All Out Of Breath... My Walls Are Closing In...

I let too many people hold me back sometimes.. I've come to that realization. And its very hard to change that. I never realized how scared I am of disappointing people or even just pissing them off. I'll let people walk all over me long before I stand up for what I want and put a stop to it. How do you change that when you are so accustomed to it, like its second nature?

**Daylight dies, blackout the sky.. Is anybody there?? Does anybody care??**

Today marks day 2 without any letters, 3 days since a phone call. I'm surviving. Not going crazy or anything quite yet. Already tho, I'm sick of this distance, no contact thing. I don't see how women (girlfriends/wives) can handle this throughout their whole entire lives. One deployment is going to destroy me. I know this already. But when your husband is in the military and it is their career, 1 deployment is nothing. You go through several deployments each year. I don't think I could deal with being away from my husband that much throughout our lives. I guess you have to do what you have to do. And I may just have to get accustomed to it.

**No longer the lost.. No long the same..**

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Oh Won't You Walk Through && Bust Through The Door && Take Me Away...

There's got to be a recipe for a good pick-me-up. The past few days all I feel like doing is sleep. Its like it completely overwhelms me and I can't even keep my eyes open. I get a spurt of energy while I'm at work but the second I get home, its a whole other story. Bluh. I'm never going to get anything done going this route.

**Comparisons are easily done, once you've had a taste of perfection..**

For a girl getting married in a year, you definitley would not guess that I am one of them. I've barely done any wedding planning. I haven't even decided where I'm going to have the dang thing at!! I still have 1 more bridesmaid that I need to choose!! How awful is that? It would be helpful if he was fine with letting me choose who was my bridesmaids, just as I let him choose who he wanted to be his groomsmen lol. I've got my colors picked out and my flowers. The reception? Not even close. I know how I want my cake, the colors and everything. And I actually do know who is going to do it as well as my pictures.. Boy, I still got a loooong way to go.

**Like an apple hanging from a tree, I picked the ripest one..**

I remind myself of my mother everyday. One way or another. I always talk myself out of things. I've got so many things to do and I need to follow through with a lot of decisions I've recently made. I wish procrastation wasn't such a close friend of mine.

**Oh, I wish I was looking into your eyes...**

Monday, May 10, 2010

Holding Your Scarred Heart In Hand, Its All The Same..

Choices. They are so much easier to determine when somebody else makes the decision for you. Its always easier if you have somebody else telling you what you should do. Life, however, does not work that way. Nobody can choose how you should live your life or who you should live it with. Only you know what truely makes you happy and what will not. You are the only person who can makes those little decisions that will play out your life, whether its simple or difficult. You have to be your own person and not rely on other people's imput to put the finishing touches on what you do.

***And I'll take you for who you are, if you'll take me for everything...**

Its such a relief to know that I'm not the only person feeling so.. alone and lonely. I received 2 letters from him today. I've never smiled so big at receiving mail. I can't believe that we are so alike. More than half of what I have written to him but have yet to sent, he spelled out in all of his letters. Its nice to have somebody that you have common ground with. We've always had a communication problem. He gets mad easily and lets the entire world know how he feels when he's angry or hurt. I close up and keep everything to myself. Its not a good mix in a relationship. But we are making so much headway now. And its just getting better. Its insane how some really good advice/help from a really great friend fixed all of that. I've learnt to focus on what is important. There is always going to be problems in a relationship. Its when you quit fighting and let those problems overrule your relationship that you've failed. You lose focus on why you were ever together. And when you reach that point and your too stubborn to get over shit and let it go, that you need to simply realize that its over. I'm glad we surpassed all of that.

**I don't mind, I don't care.. As long as your here..**

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tomorrow's Just One Day Closer

It completely baffles me how just speaking to him lightens up my entire day. Cheesy, I know. But seriously. Everybody keeps telling me him being gone is really going to test our relationship. That it will either make it or break it. If anything I belive us being apart is only going to make us stronger. Its something neither of us has ever had to endure before, ever. Its only making us closer. Its so weird to look forward to a phone call and to checking the mail every single day as much as I do now. The nights are getting easier for me. I can sleep, just not too restfully. I'm getting there though. It'll all get better in time, right? *crosses fingers*

Friday, May 7, 2010

I'm just completely and utterly exhausted. Mentally and physically. I can't even think straight, not that thats something new. I wish I could just get one full nights sleep. You know the good sleep, not the waking up every hour on the hour type. Very unlikely that it'll happen, just saying it'd be nice.
I think I'm different from a lot of people. I get lost inside my own head when I'm upset and stressed. I'm not a good people person. I'm not very sociable. Only with those close to me. I can't put up a front or a show if my life isn't going well.
Very pointless entry, just felt like writing something.

But all the miles that seperate, disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face..

Its a funny thing how dramatically emotions vary from day to day. How differently you feel about things in just 24 hours. Why can't a person just be nonchalant about problems? Stressing and worrying are just a pitiful way to waste the day.

**A hundred miles have made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face...**

Its been a full day since I've heard from him. One day and I'm going crazy because I miss him so much. How sad is that? How am I supposed to be a good, supportive *army* wife when I can't even make it through a full 3 days without him? I was talking to a friend who gave me some very good advice. She told me that this is my time for me. My time to discover and find myself. She advised for me not to make him my entire life, but to make him simply a part of it. As wonderful as that sounds, its so much easier said that done. I find myself wanting to surround myself with friends but all the while I simply feel entirely alone, even when I'm in a room full of people. How do I fix that? He is the only thing in this world that makes me feel... complete.

** A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same..**

I need to find something to occupy my time. Something aside from work. I have my friends, but even something aside from them. I need to discover something that I am interested in, something that I can invest myself in and feel good about myself for. Hmm. It would be great if I even had the slightest clue of what that could be.

**Everything I know and everywhere I go, it gets hard, but it won't take away my love..**

Friday, March 26, 2010

Its crazy how quickly things can change. In a week, in a month. Time seems to fly by so fast.
Its a pain having to lie and cover up for people all of the time. Its so much easier to straight up say what I want to say. The truth. But I have to be nice for the sake of everybody else, because its not my truth to tell.
Life is so complicated. One day is amazing, the next is just like hell. People come and go. The ones who matter stay. The ones who matter most to you, you don't let go. You refuse to give up on them. Others, no matter what, you still continue to hold at a distance, not entirely sure yourself why you keep them in your life.
I've noticed more and more how selfish the human race is. How many people find a way to make every situation, every occurance about themselves. Its quite humerous. And I've noticed how most people never really change. Regardless of how much they want to believe that they have. When your in complete denial, I guess you haven't reached the step where you realize that you are the one with a serious problem. Not that it matters because once that step is finally reached, its usually a little too late.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm not for sure why I continue to write on this. I guess its a little refreshing to get everything out every once in a while. To get it out and that be it. No responses, no questions. Actually its quite nice. After a long, stressful day at work that is exactly what I need. That and a nice, long, hot shower. My headaches are back and I must say that they have come back with a vengeance. I'm going to have to go back to the doctor. What fun that will be. And how expensive those tests will be. Just what I need to look forward to, spending money that I don't have. But I really can't take much more of them. Having the same exact headache for 3 and 4 days at a time with absolutely no relief is no fun.

I'm anticipating so much for these next couple of months. I don't want to set my hopes up too high. Lord knows I do not want to be let down, but it is so hard not to do. I'm setting my sights to the future and what I know will be so great. I need a change more than anything at this moment.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

**Keep your head up gorgeous, people would kill to see you fail.**

I believe that so many different things have continued to make me open my eyes wider and wider. I see things so differently now. I see people so much differently. I'm not as naive as I used to be. Granted, I'm still pretty naive, I continue to see the best in some people who just don't deserve it, but at least my eyes are open to it now. And I'm completely aware that they are nothing like what they once were. Not that anybody is like they once were. Life changes everybody and everything. The key is, not to let it change what you stand for and who you truely are deep down.

**There's a new wind blowin, like nothing I ever known. I'm breathin deeper than I've ever done..**

I'm actually following through with all of those *new years resolutions* that I've never stuck with previous years. And I'm proud of myself for it. I've learnt that sometimes you have to walk away from those who aren't doing you any good emotionally, no matter how hard it hurts. People rarely change. I've discovered that the hard way, on more than one occasion. Things are pretty tough right now, but I'm doing my best to keep my head up and not let it nor anything bring me down.

**I've forgiven myself for all the mistakes I've made..**

I know I'm not perfect and that sometimes I will not live up to the expectations that others have for me. All I can do is my best in life for my friends, my family, and myself. If I can tell myself that I have done all that I can do, I know I will not have any regrets. I look at myself over the past couple of years, in different types of relationships && friendships && I've noticed things I'm not entirely happy with. Things that I didn't see then but I see clearly now. I am NOT a doormat for anybody to wipe their feet on. I won't tolerate anybody taking advantage of me. Relationships are 50/50. If I can do my part and you can't do yours, then there isn't a relationship there. I refuse to keep people in my life whom I have to keep at a distance. Aside from those that I have no choice but to keep there. I don't have to have anybody in my life that brings me down. There is no sense in it. What kind of life would I be living if I continued to feel the need to watch anything and everything I say and do?

**I used to run in circles, going no where fast..**

I know there are many out there who just do not understand. They don't understand me nor the things I do. And thats fine. I don't feel the need to have to explain myself everytime I turn around. Its my life, right? I'll live it the way I choose to.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I'd Sacrafice My Beatin Heart Before I Lose You

13 days - excited.

Its amazing how things work themselves out. How you can spend so long pondering over something and be in nothing but utter confusion about it and then one day, wake up, and realize that you have it all figured out. And actually be for real about it. There is still so much in my life that I question and second guess and am not so sure about at the moment. But I'm only 21. I have time to figure those things out. On the things that truely matter right here and now, tho, I'm there. I know what I want and I know that nothing er nobody is going to stand in my way any longer.

** The only thing that I still believe in is you..**

I've figured out that I can live for me and still not be selfish. I know that there is nothing wrong with putting myself first at times, regardless if other people agree or understand it.

** You helped me live and learn.**

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010 ~ Happy New Year

Is it possible to have everything figured out but still be in utter confusion? I know, that made absolutley noooo sense but I'm not sure how else to put it!! I am completely happy but at the same time, not so much. I want more than anything for this year to be different, BETTER. I don't want the problems from last year to follow beside me this year... I'm making a strong attempt to brush everything off. Start brand new and I'll take care of everything as it comes my way.

**Define yer meaning of war. To me its wat we do when we're bored. I feel the heat coming up off of the blacktop, and it makes me want it more.**

I'm just so tired of being angry. And hurt. And all of those other emotions that nobody ever enjoys. I truely am looking for a change. No, I'll rephrase that. I'm in desperate need of one. And the only way for ANYTHING in my life to get better, I have to make one.

**Let's take a trip down memory lane. The word circling in my brain. You can treat this like another all the same. But don't cry like a bitch when u feel the pain..**

I want to face all of my problems and dilemma's head on. I'm through with backing down.

**This is hardly worth fighting for, but it's the little petty shit that I can't ignore. With my fist in yer face and yer face on the floor...**