I didn't think that it would hit me as hard as it did. Seeing written on paper finalized it. Made it real. Too real. Devastating.
He will be safe, they all will be safe. They'll make it back home & this deployment will just be another milestone passed. But that's what people are supposed to say., right? When they are attempting to make you feel better & they have nothing else better to say. One should keep that frame of mind, nonetheless. For others, it simply isn't that easy.
I expected this once the contract was signed. I've known it for sure for months. Therefore I have no clue as to why it is affecting me so horribly now, at this moment. Perhaps because that date is set. The official countdown begins. I know when I'm going to have to say goodbye. I'm not sure how I am going to do it. I'm not sure I can handle it. People get through these things. That I am aware of. There's no written *how to* list. Its just something you do. It basically comes down to the fact that I don't know how strong I am. Yes. At the moment, I am focusing on myself. I know my life is going to change drastically but not nearly as much as his but (minus having the baby) him being absent from my life is as drastic as it could get for me. It is my worst nightmare.
It will get better for me. This I know. Awaiting him leaving on top of my hormones being out of whack is torture. I just have to be strong. Not so much for myself, but for him. For not only is he my rock, I am his. My well being affects him if not more than his own. God give me strength and courage. I feel as if I'm lacking it majorly.

-- That Kind Of Love's The Killing Kind --

The picture thing is going to be put on hold... I doubt I'll be on here too much now that I'm back with the hubbie, too much to do in such a small amount of time. The last thing I need at the moment is to be reminded of how fast time is passing by. Now after he leaves for deployment, that will completely change.
I've been home for a couple of days now. I feel... different. Almost like walking on egg shells, so to speak. The subject of him leaving has been completely avoided. Its too painful. He's so upset he's leaving not only me but the baby. If it's even brought up, the subject is quickly changed. Truthfully, I don't know how I feel about it. The very thought of him leaving and all of the things leading up to it, makes me tear up & that huge lump in my throat forms & refuses to go away. Like yesterday, he brought home forms -- this whole little folder of stuff -- all in regards to his funeral & what needs to be done in case he becomes a casualty of war. I'm supposed to be filling it out for him (yes, he is that type of husband -- leave it to the wife to fill out any & I do mean any, type of paperwork) but it's just been sitting on the table. I can't bring myself to touch it more less fill it out. Its silly, right? Its just paper. It doesn't mean something is going to happen to him -- it doesn't mean that it will not -- but for whatever reason, at this moment in time, I can't even come to grips with the idea of it... Blah.
Onto a different subject, I finally got in touch with Schofield's clinic! I was very shocked at how quickly they are answering the phones now. Miracles do happen, I presume lol. Even though I'm already 10 weeks, I get to go take a test to prove I am pregnant & then we will go from there. I'm quite excited, especially knowing that for the next couple of appointments, he will be there by my side -- hearing the little heartbeat & seeing our little lovebug on the ultrasound screen :) It means the world to me -- & I know it means even more to him.

Wow. I am a huge slacker. I'm never going to get this picture thing down. I can't remember to do it on a daily basis. Oh, well, its only meant to kind of help me countdown this year lol. If I miss a few days here and there, I guess that's ok.
The concert went amazing Sunday night. I knew Avenged Sevenfold was pro-military, but I have a whole knew respect for them. They are one of the bands that travels overseas quite often to perform for our troops. They dedicated a nice amount of time to our troops that night. It was nice to hear them get some recognition. Anywho -- I would post some pictures but me, being the genius that I am, happened to delete every photo on my memory card that night, therefore, all of my good photos are obsolete.
The baby's first appointment went ok today... I'm not enjoying them taking so much blood, but it's a must, right? Just a few more weeks & I can find out what my little lovebug is :D I'm so very excited!

6 more days!

Day 9

A Picture Of Something You Have Been Wanting To Do



I've put this off for far too long. There's no more excuses anymore. Come May, pregnant or not, I'll finally be heading back to persue some sort of career :D

Tonight, yes, is one of those nights. My hormones are raging & I can't stop them. Therefore, I'm just giving in. I'll scream, cry, do whatever makes me feel better. Only I can't -- I can't just be by myself. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed & this time for a change, not over anything in particular. There's several people I have to somewhat associate with that I absolutley CANNOT stand for the life of me. They are low-lifes... Losers. (Not that I am all high and mighty -- but I put my family/husband first, I don't think I'm better than anybody else nor do I act it, I live on my own, & I don't count on everybody else to take care of me.) There's really no purpose in confronting these individuals -- it'll only cause more drama than its worth -- but at the same time, I am having a very difficult time keeping my mouth shut & my opinions to myself.
I miss my husband. My situation could be so much worse. He could be deployed right now and I could have months and months left til I get to see him & I could be waiting weeks to even hear from him. Thankfully that is not the case -- but God, the telephone is just not enough right now. I just want to be with him -- physically. I want him here next to me, not 1,000 miles away. I know, I have a little over a week left & I keep telling myself that because of that I'm very lucky & I know I am, I know I need to quit bitching, I just need to let it all out.
I respect his decision to join the army. I admire his courage to do so. But at the same time I'm so confused as to what I am supposed to do in the meantime. The long time periods that leaves me alone. We're stationed so far away from everything & everybody. Is it bad that I kind of like that fact? (I don't know, I have mixed feelings about it.) The last thing that I truely wanted to do was come back to Kentucky when he deployed. Granted, financially, it would be the best thing for us. But I just don't want it. Now that I'm having the baby, I feel stuck. Like my decision is basically made for me -- the grandparents, family, friends, they are all here. What kind of person would I be taking the baby away from them?... And even though I know I have every single bit of support from him & I know he is by my side through it all -- whether its physically or my just knowing -- I kind of feel alone. Helpless, confused, and alone. I do not handle well to feeling helpless or out of control.
Oh well... There's so much more I wish I could just let out on here... But there really isn't too much of a point. By doing so it won't change a thing. Ugh. If only something would change, that would be more than nice.


Day 8

A Picture Of When You Were Happy



No need to explain.

I've been such a slacker on this 365 days with pictures... I usually can stay on top of things when I decide to do them, its just been so easy to get side-tracked these past few days. With the hubbie gone, I know the majority of my posts are repetitive, so I try to wait until I have something semi-different to blog about. Not to mention, I've crashed into the stage of my pregnancy where the all-day sickness tags along with me daily. I'm sure nobody wants to hear about that one lol.
My countdown has finally ALMOST come to an end. Heading back to Hawaii very soon to be reunited with my soldier. I am absolutley estatic! Its going to feel so amazing to be back in his arms again!! I am so thankful to be so lucky!!
Still having issues with the stupid army hospital in Hawaii. Tripler has to be the most unorganized & people unfriendly out of them all. My girls back home all have been telling me to call early, weeks early even, to schedule my 12 week appointment because it took them all a total of 4 weeks to even get into see anybody! Well, at this going rate, I'll be heading back to Kentucky by the time I get an appointment. Day after day I call, an individual answers, and then I'm stuck on hold for 30+ minutes waiting to speak to somebody. Left my number for callbacks, stayed on hold, still no luck. I know this place is busy -- but seriously, that is just ridiculous (and irritating)!

Anywho,

Day 7

A Picture Of The Person You Do The Craziest Things With...




It is a definite toss up between these two. My two closest best friends. I've had way too many laughs & good times with these girls -- and only many more to come.

I Watch The Sunlight Dance Across Your Face & I've Never Been This Swept Away...

I've been focusing on far too many negative things in my life lately. Yes, my mother is difficult -- my relationship with her will never be normal. We will never be on the same page with things. She is far too set in her own ways to ever change. Maybe one day if she ever decides she wants to fix her life, she may change. But I've grown to accept that fact. & I've grown to realize that it is NOT my place to help her fix herself. Support is one thing, but a person will only begin to change if that is what they truely desire. Oh, yeah, and most importantly, I know that I am not the reason she is the way she is -- she makes her own decisions, her own choices. Her life reflects only on what she has or has not put into it. And my husband, we've already spent the majority of our first year of marriage apart. The next chapter in our lives is a huge one. Its going to bring a lot of change. He's going to Afghanistan, I'll be home, taking care of our baby. Distance has only brought us closer, but this is going to be a whole other battle. But I'm aware of this -- I know the struggles it is going to bring. I know we are strong though. Very strong. I'm just counting on God bringing him home safe to us, then we can begin our next journey. However, that is besides the point. (I always trail off topic when talking about this deployment...) I have too many positives in my life to let the negatives drag me down. Its one thing when I can control them, but I've learnt I'm fighting against things that aren't going anywhere. Therefore, what else can you do but simply embrace them? Take them for what they are worth. Everything happens for a reason. I'm a firm believer in that phrase. Even if by some chance I don't understand the reasoning behind the occurance. In the end, I have faith that everything will turn out fine.

Day 6

A Picture And A Letter

I doubt I will ever successfully be able to show you what you mean to me. You continue to bring out the best in me throughout the years we've been together and you never make me feel less than perfect (even though I'm a far cry from it). I've never had that. My entire life I've felt as if I need to live up to somebody's expectations -- but never you. You accept me for who I am and expect nothing more. You are my endless support system, my husband, my hero, and my best friend. I am so proud of you and everything that you are doing. I admire your courage and your will to keep pressing through. I can do nothing but anticipate our lives together once our lovebug arrives and things start to fall into place for us. I love you, always and forever..

It absolutley breaks my heart at how some of the best people seem to always get the crappy end of the stick. I've sat and watched several people that are closest to me be mistreated, lied to, abused, the list goes on. I simply do not understand it.

15 more days until I'm home. If luck is on my side, it will only be like 11. I always missed Kentucky, well, kind of. Until I got back. I miss those select few individuals, don't get me wrong, but this will never be home to me again. My mother & one of the girls do not understand it, at all. My home is where my husband is, where we have established our life together, and when I'm away -- for a month, a year, or however long... I just don't feel right.

But that is besides the point, just kind of rambling, if you didn't notice. I've got so much running through my mind, its just hard to stop and focus on a topic. Oh well.

Day 5

A picture of something that makes you laugh...

Everytime I see it, it never fails. Words aren't even needed here.