Tonight, yes, is one of those nights. My hormones are raging & I can't stop them. Therefore, I'm just giving in. I'll scream, cry, do whatever makes me feel better. Only I can't -- I can't just be by myself. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed & this time for a change, not over anything in particular. There's several people I have to somewhat associate with that I absolutley CANNOT stand for the life of me. They are low-lifes... Losers. (Not that I am all high and mighty -- but I put my family/husband first, I don't think I'm better than anybody else nor do I act it, I live on my own, & I don't count on everybody else to take care of me.) There's really no purpose in confronting these individuals -- it'll only cause more drama than its worth -- but at the same time, I am having a very difficult time keeping my mouth shut & my opinions to myself.
I miss my husband. My situation could be so much worse. He could be deployed right now and I could have months and months left til I get to see him & I could be waiting weeks to even hear from him. Thankfully that is not the case -- but God, the telephone is just not enough right now. I just want to be with him -- physically. I want him here next to me, not 1,000 miles away. I know, I have a little over a week left & I keep telling myself that because of that I'm very lucky & I know I am, I know I need to quit bitching, I just need to let it all out.
I respect his decision to join the army. I admire his courage to do so. But at the same time I'm so confused as to what I am supposed to do in the meantime. The long time periods that leaves me alone. We're stationed so far away from everything & everybody. Is it bad that I kind of like that fact? (I don't know, I have mixed feelings about it.) The last thing that I truely wanted to do was come back to Kentucky when he deployed. Granted, financially, it would be the best thing for us. But I just don't want it. Now that I'm having the baby, I feel stuck. Like my decision is basically made for me -- the grandparents, family, friends, they are all here. What kind of person would I be taking the baby away from them?... And even though I know I have every single bit of support from him & I know he is by my side through it all -- whether its physically or my just knowing -- I kind of feel alone. Helpless, confused, and alone. I do not handle well to feeling helpless or out of control.
Oh well... There's so much more I wish I could just let out on here... But there really isn't too much of a point. By doing so it won't change a thing. Ugh. If only something would change, that would be more than nice.


Day 8

A Picture Of When You Were Happy



No need to explain.

I've been such a slacker on this 365 days with pictures... I usually can stay on top of things when I decide to do them, its just been so easy to get side-tracked these past few days. With the hubbie gone, I know the majority of my posts are repetitive, so I try to wait until I have something semi-different to blog about. Not to mention, I've crashed into the stage of my pregnancy where the all-day sickness tags along with me daily. I'm sure nobody wants to hear about that one lol.
My countdown has finally ALMOST come to an end. Heading back to Hawaii very soon to be reunited with my soldier. I am absolutley estatic! Its going to feel so amazing to be back in his arms again!! I am so thankful to be so lucky!!
Still having issues with the stupid army hospital in Hawaii. Tripler has to be the most unorganized & people unfriendly out of them all. My girls back home all have been telling me to call early, weeks early even, to schedule my 12 week appointment because it took them all a total of 4 weeks to even get into see anybody! Well, at this going rate, I'll be heading back to Kentucky by the time I get an appointment. Day after day I call, an individual answers, and then I'm stuck on hold for 30+ minutes waiting to speak to somebody. Left my number for callbacks, stayed on hold, still no luck. I know this place is busy -- but seriously, that is just ridiculous (and irritating)!

Anywho,

Day 7

A Picture Of The Person You Do The Craziest Things With...




It is a definite toss up between these two. My two closest best friends. I've had way too many laughs & good times with these girls -- and only many more to come.

I Watch The Sunlight Dance Across Your Face & I've Never Been This Swept Away...

I've been focusing on far too many negative things in my life lately. Yes, my mother is difficult -- my relationship with her will never be normal. We will never be on the same page with things. She is far too set in her own ways to ever change. Maybe one day if she ever decides she wants to fix her life, she may change. But I've grown to accept that fact. & I've grown to realize that it is NOT my place to help her fix herself. Support is one thing, but a person will only begin to change if that is what they truely desire. Oh, yeah, and most importantly, I know that I am not the reason she is the way she is -- she makes her own decisions, her own choices. Her life reflects only on what she has or has not put into it. And my husband, we've already spent the majority of our first year of marriage apart. The next chapter in our lives is a huge one. Its going to bring a lot of change. He's going to Afghanistan, I'll be home, taking care of our baby. Distance has only brought us closer, but this is going to be a whole other battle. But I'm aware of this -- I know the struggles it is going to bring. I know we are strong though. Very strong. I'm just counting on God bringing him home safe to us, then we can begin our next journey. However, that is besides the point. (I always trail off topic when talking about this deployment...) I have too many positives in my life to let the negatives drag me down. Its one thing when I can control them, but I've learnt I'm fighting against things that aren't going anywhere. Therefore, what else can you do but simply embrace them? Take them for what they are worth. Everything happens for a reason. I'm a firm believer in that phrase. Even if by some chance I don't understand the reasoning behind the occurance. In the end, I have faith that everything will turn out fine.

Day 6

A Picture And A Letter

I doubt I will ever successfully be able to show you what you mean to me. You continue to bring out the best in me throughout the years we've been together and you never make me feel less than perfect (even though I'm a far cry from it). I've never had that. My entire life I've felt as if I need to live up to somebody's expectations -- but never you. You accept me for who I am and expect nothing more. You are my endless support system, my husband, my hero, and my best friend. I am so proud of you and everything that you are doing. I admire your courage and your will to keep pressing through. I can do nothing but anticipate our lives together once our lovebug arrives and things start to fall into place for us. I love you, always and forever..

It absolutley breaks my heart at how some of the best people seem to always get the crappy end of the stick. I've sat and watched several people that are closest to me be mistreated, lied to, abused, the list goes on. I simply do not understand it.

15 more days until I'm home. If luck is on my side, it will only be like 11. I always missed Kentucky, well, kind of. Until I got back. I miss those select few individuals, don't get me wrong, but this will never be home to me again. My mother & one of the girls do not understand it, at all. My home is where my husband is, where we have established our life together, and when I'm away -- for a month, a year, or however long... I just don't feel right.

But that is besides the point, just kind of rambling, if you didn't notice. I've got so much running through my mind, its just hard to stop and focus on a topic. Oh well.

Day 5

A picture of something that makes you laugh...

Everytime I see it, it never fails. Words aren't even needed here.

I don't have too much to write about tonight.... Took what was supposed to have been a short nap earlier & it turned into about 4 hours, leaving me wide-awake now at bedtime. Awake and restless.

Anywho,

Day 5

A Photo Of Your Favorite TV Show/Shows

Ever had one of those powerful, intense dreams? The ones that feel soooo real that when you wake up, it takes a minute or two for you to realize you were only dreaming? I had one. It was a major let down to my morning. 19 more days of waiting to be in his arms... These next couple of months, the time is going to fly by, even as I desperately attempt to slow it down. I keep thinking to myself, this month was awful. It still continues to take its precious time on moving past. Once I have to say good-bye to him for a year, how is it going to work then? A 30 day countdown is one thing, but a year? (I know -- I must sound like a broken record...)

At the same time, though, as much as I don't want that dreaded date to make its mark, I'm ready for it to just get here. I'll never be ready to say good-bye or see ya later. But the sooner it gets here, the sooner he will be coming home. At least that is the way I'm trying to look at it. I'll have a bit more to occupy my time. Once school is done and over with, my little lovebug will be making his/her appearance & if that doesn't occupy all of my time, then nothing will!! I'll have my own place & my own vehicle again. As much as I appreciate my bestie for taking me in this month, I miss my own home -- doing my own grocery shopping, my own bed, & not having to depend on anyone to take me anywhere. Although, I will miss having somebody to stay up until 3 in the morning with on my routinely sleepless nights.

Finally, after 2 weeks of a very persistant infection taking residence in my sinuses, I'm feeling sooo much better. I forgot completely how wonderful it is to be able to breath out of my nose. However, I just don't feel like I can get caught up on my rest. Hopefully that'll change soon.

Anywho...

Day 4

A Picture Of Someone You Have Been The Closest To The Longest

My Dad. He has been my rock, my best friend for as long as I can remember. The two of us has been through a lot... As father and daughter, as individuals... But we always have had each other to fall back on. I am so lucky to have a person like him in my life, let alone, to know him as my father.

You'll Be On My Mind Wherever I Go... We Were Meant To Be...

Another day with the pregnancy/missing my hubbie blues. I know I have to pull myself out of these little blah days & I know I can... I know he's not going to be gone for the much longer, its a fact, but some days it doesn't matter how much I tell myself that I'll be in his arms soon, soon just doesn't feel like it gets here quick enough. My impatientness doesn't help too much either...

So, a fellow Army wife sent me this link. Its from a military member who sings pretty damn well. His name is Tyler Toliver and even though after listening to his song "Live Our Dream" for a couple of minutes, I break down into tears, there is something about this mans voice that just captivates me. Go to YouTube and check him out :D

Anywho,

Day 3

A Photo Of Your First Celebrity Crush

So, it was definitley a toss up between these two. I had my major obsessions back in the day... Nsync, Leo, Backstreet Boys... It didn't take much for me to *crush* over celebrities lol.

& if you could read my heart, you would know, without exemption, it was all with the best of intention...

The pregnancy got the best of me this morning. Official first day of nausea, that lasted, well, more than half of the day. Not too sure if I had something to do with causing it a little, but oh well. Hopefully I'll take after the mother (on just this one thing) & not endure morning sickness & all of that goodness that much. I can't believe I'm 7 weeks. Not too far along, but the weeks are just flying by.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what to do once deployment gets here... Move back here, deliver, & do whatever until he gets back? Or should I just tough it out and stay in Hawaii? I was a little certain that is what I really wanted before I got pregnant -- minus the fact that the husband didn't like the idea too much -- but now, having a newborn, I'm a little more nervous to be on my own. Plus, the baby's grandaddy doesn't want to be away from his grandbaby any more than he has to. Hmm. Maybe I should suck it up & just come back to good ol' Kentucky, as much as I hate the sound of that...

Amy's class was AMAZING this morning. I only wish I would have began to attend quite some time before now, I could push myself a little bit more. However, I'm bound and determind to stay as active and healthy throughout these next 9 months as I possibly can :)

Anywho...

Day 2.

A Picture Of One Of Your Favorite Memories

Compared to what we are about to go through, 4 months was nothing. At the time, however, 4 long months without him was so hard! Especially since we spent absolutley every waking moment with each other our entire relationship. Being able to see and hug and kiss him after all of the time -- feeling those butterflies -- was such an amazing feeling. Bringing him home after this definitley is one of my most favorite memories.

I've been seeing a lot of these 365 day photo challenges or simply just these 30 day tasks things. They are somewhat gaining my interest. Take the entire year to try something new and divide it into months, changing it up every 30 days... I think I like the sound of it. Maybe something small to help lift my spirits up until I start school, until I have the baby, until my husband leaves & returns home lol. Something to last until I can finally end all of my little countdowns.

Anywho, here goes:

Day #1

A picture of you with 5 facts.

1. I love hard... and unconditionally.

2. My husband (and baby-to-be) are the most important individuals in my life... They both have had such a huge impact on my life...

3. I'm a complete daddy's girl -- he is my best friend.

4. I trust easy... Until it back fires on me one too many times, then it is next to impossible to earn back.

5. I have lots of dreams for my life and the determination to make them all come true.

That's it for tonight... Perhaps a decent nights sleep will present itself tonight :D

You Know That I Love You, I Don't Want To Leave You...

Having a rough night. A rough night of many. People really do not realize how easy they have it in this life, do they? It aggravates me how people take advantage of the little things in their lives and still tend to act like they have it bad. Why stay in relationships if you constantly talk as if you are unhappy with the person you are with? Don't be petty and stay simply because you are comfortable. Pack up & move on to the next stage in your life. It IS as easy as that. Many couples go WITHOUT their significant others & would give anything to have them by their sides at night when they go to bed & here you are complaining because of something trivial, about being so miserable, yet you do NOTHING to improve your situation. Geez, get over yourself & go make a better life for your own good!!. Ugh.

Good Bye 2010, 2011, I Already Know What You Have In Store For Me...

I'm quite shocked at how fast the holidays came and went this year. Things always get frantic and crazy around Christmas, but I don't think I ever remember time flying by as it just did. I look back and 2010 was merely a blur. Lots of good times. Tons of changes. A lot of memories. I kind of hated to say good-bye to it. But... who gets anything out of staying in the past, right?... As I find myself reminising, however, my mind drifts off into thoughts of the future & all of the obstacles laying there and when I first found out the dates & the details, I was scared. But now that time is almost here, I'm worse off than ever.
I've been talking to other wives and/or reading their stories and I can't even begin to say the compasion, admiration, and respect I have for these women. It frustrates me to hear wives complain about how hard their life is -- raising children, working, etc... -- (mind you, I'm referring to couples, not those single ladies doing it all on their own.) when I hear about all of these others who give a completely different meaning to strong. But it makes me question myself -- can I do it? Can I make it through, keep my head up, and be an amazing support for my husband? I've been told that I'm tough, strong-willed, and determind. However, I am all of that when he is by my side... Taking him away is like taking my heart....
As much as I try not to be a downer, it is very difficult. Its hard to stay positive when you have a pretty good idea of what lies ahead. Especially, when there is nothing you can do to change it. I guess, all I can do is have faith... What is that quote? "God will never put more trials on you than you can bear..."