You used to be my rock, the person who made everything okay. I admired so much about you and strived to be like you -- but you overlooked me. How was I to know how terrible things truly was? That you didn't have it together as well as I believed. I never knew the problems were so huge and awful, even then. I never would have dreamed that you would allow them to overcome you as you have. I still cannot believe how they have made your priorities change. It tears me apart inside that these "problems" you are completely aware of yet refuse to do a thing about and how you place them above everything else. I know for a fact I will never be able to forgive you nor forget what you have put the people I care most about as well as myself through -- especially since you never seem to show any remorse nor acknowledgement towards any of it.

I've decided to not follow a guide, if there is something on my mind, I'm going to vent. There's too much flowing in this head of mine. Someway, somehow I am going to have to be able to collect my thoughts and make sense of everything.

I'm lonely. Thats about the simplest way to express my current state. There's only so much time a single person can spend alone before it begins to eat at them. I miss him. The time that he has left is diminishing, but still not quickly enough to spare the tears and the emptiness inside. My little guy helps me get through everyday and while its not fair to put so much on him, he is what gets me through. That and of course, knowing this deployment isn't forever. Too bad logical thinking can't beat emotions when they get the best of you.

I've been tossing back and forth the decision to go back to work. Part of me thinks its just too soon and not worth my time. One parent is going to miss so many little moments with him, why should both of us when one of us has the choice not to? A little extra money simply isn't worth it. But then on the other hand, having a little "adult" time is a necessity to keep my sanity and the extra money would be beneficial. Oh, decisions, decisions.

I never ever could imagine how something could instantly change your entire life forever. How something could change your perspective, views, moods, & everything else so immensely. I love my little boy so much <3