Good Bye 2010, 2011, I Already Know What You Have In Store For Me...

I'm quite shocked at how fast the holidays came and went this year. Things always get frantic and crazy around Christmas, but I don't think I ever remember time flying by as it just did. I look back and 2010 was merely a blur. Lots of good times. Tons of changes. A lot of memories. I kind of hated to say good-bye to it. But... who gets anything out of staying in the past, right?... As I find myself reminising, however, my mind drifts off into thoughts of the future & all of the obstacles laying there and when I first found out the dates & the details, I was scared. But now that time is almost here, I'm worse off than ever.
I've been talking to other wives and/or reading their stories and I can't even begin to say the compasion, admiration, and respect I have for these women. It frustrates me to hear wives complain about how hard their life is -- raising children, working, etc... -- (mind you, I'm referring to couples, not those single ladies doing it all on their own.) when I hear about all of these others who give a completely different meaning to strong. But it makes me question myself -- can I do it? Can I make it through, keep my head up, and be an amazing support for my husband? I've been told that I'm tough, strong-willed, and determind. However, I am all of that when he is by my side... Taking him away is like taking my heart....
As much as I try not to be a downer, it is very difficult. Its hard to stay positive when you have a pretty good idea of what lies ahead. Especially, when there is nothing you can do to change it. I guess, all I can do is have faith... What is that quote? "God will never put more trials on you than you can bear..."

-- "There's no way I can see you for who you are when I can't forget who you were..." --

Had a wonderful night with some pretty great people. Its one benefit of the military - you're introduced and placed together with so many different types of people from all over the place that you otherwise would have never come into contact with. I love it. Its nights/times like these that I know I could get used to this type of lifestyle - minus the deployment, of course :D This is the kind of life that I always imagined for myself though. I never wanted to stay in one place. There's too much out there for me to see and people for me to meet. Staying in Owensboro would only have restricted me to. And, well, we all know, I'm not too big on restraints. Now if only I can incorperate this desire of mine into a career & practical lifestyle, that would be wonderful. I cannot and will not be an average stay-at-home wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that just isn't for me, not in the least bit. I just can't wait to get a real taste of what God's plan for me is. Its quite exciting.

Say What You Need To Say...

Here lately, I have so much weighing on me, its quite overbearing sometimes. I've had to sit back and regroup more in the past couple of months than I have in my entire life. The idea of my husband being gone and physically out of my life for a year or so is taking its toll on me. I've noticed that while I have grown a lot as a person & matured & all of that, there is still lots that is holding me back. Mostly myself. Since basic training, the fighting that used to occur often being us nearly disappeared. Things were truely amazing. Until recently. As his NTC training approaches (taking him away from me for a month), I've been quite the grouch. Moody & emotional & a tid bid mean, I've been all three. After a huge fall out, my eyes opened & they opened wide. I realized I need to focus on the important as well as the positive aspects of our lives & not let any of the upcoming events drag me down anymore than they have to. There is no way to be positive about deployment nor any training that is going to bring us apart, but focusing on it, I've noticed, brings out my fears. And I tend to take them out on others. Especially him. I'll fight about the tiniest things & make them explode into something huge. I'm not sure why I really do it & I usually don't realize it until after the fact. I know how hurtful & scarring words can be & I need to realize that before I let them escape my mouth. Especially now that our time is so limited. Adjusting to the military life is a very hard & difficult transition, much harder than I ever imagined. But I just want to take it for all its worth. I want to let the distance bring us closer & stronger & I want us to learn from this experience, for the good & the bad.

Insomnia has definitley settled in for a long, extended, and not to mention, uninvited stay in my apartment. How can a person be so sleepy but not be able to sleep longer than, say, 30 minutes? Perhaps I am anticipating a little too much. My husband as well.
I've been thinking a lot here lately about what I want to do with my life. Career-wise, that is. The plan is to register for online classes in January and continue with school through his deployment. Granted, I have a whole lot of bs classes I have to take, I'm nowhere near ready to choose a major. Everybody tells me to pick nursing or something along those lines, but do I really want to wipe butts and clean bed pans? (Yeah, I know it isn't all about that... But everybody has to do it starting out...) I do want to help people though. I think I could get past the nastiness and inconviences such as those, but the problem is deciding if I want to.

Why do people always wish time away? When I was young, I always wished to be older. Prayed and prayed for my 16th birthday, then my 18th, and lastly my 21st. I was full of expectiations, only to be let down. I couldn't exactly tell you what it was that I was expecting a number to change, but in my head, it was supposed to change everything. So, well, here I am, 21 years old and I still feel like I am 16. Lost and confused. Still trying to figure out who the hell I really am. Sounds so cliche, right? I'm not sure what it is that I am wanting out of my life, but it sure is a hell of a lot more than this. (Minus my marriage, of course)
I'm ready to weave a lot of people out of my life. No, I won't talk shit about them && pretend I am within good standings with them. I'll merely just distance myself away. It works out easiest that way.

Ever watched or listened to something that just set your mind into deep thought? Something that just makes you analyze everything in your life? Where you are, what your doing or in my case, what you haven't been doing, and just simply who you are, who you have become?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I've heard this question dozens of times. My current mind set is where were you 5 years ago? HAve you achieved the goals you set for yourself? Are you the type of person you wanted to be? Or are you still set in your old ways, even though you swear you've changed? If not, what are the reasons? What's holding you back? The answers usually are quite simple. And believe it or not, they are very easy to change, well, sometimes.