Say What You Need To Say...

Here lately, I have so much weighing on me, its quite overbearing sometimes. I've had to sit back and regroup more in the past couple of months than I have in my entire life. The idea of my husband being gone and physically out of my life for a year or so is taking its toll on me. I've noticed that while I have grown a lot as a person & matured & all of that, there is still lots that is holding me back. Mostly myself. Since basic training, the fighting that used to occur often being us nearly disappeared. Things were truely amazing. Until recently. As his NTC training approaches (taking him away from me for a month), I've been quite the grouch. Moody & emotional & a tid bid mean, I've been all three. After a huge fall out, my eyes opened & they opened wide. I realized I need to focus on the important as well as the positive aspects of our lives & not let any of the upcoming events drag me down anymore than they have to. There is no way to be positive about deployment nor any training that is going to bring us apart, but focusing on it, I've noticed, brings out my fears. And I tend to take them out on others. Especially him. I'll fight about the tiniest things & make them explode into something huge. I'm not sure why I really do it & I usually don't realize it until after the fact. I know how hurtful & scarring words can be & I need to realize that before I let them escape my mouth. Especially now that our time is so limited. Adjusting to the military life is a very hard & difficult transition, much harder than I ever imagined. But I just want to take it for all its worth. I want to let the distance bring us closer & stronger & I want us to learn from this experience, for the good & the bad.

Insomnia has definitley settled in for a long, extended, and not to mention, uninvited stay in my apartment. How can a person be so sleepy but not be able to sleep longer than, say, 30 minutes? Perhaps I am anticipating a little too much. My husband as well.
I've been thinking a lot here lately about what I want to do with my life. Career-wise, that is. The plan is to register for online classes in January and continue with school through his deployment. Granted, I have a whole lot of bs classes I have to take, I'm nowhere near ready to choose a major. Everybody tells me to pick nursing or something along those lines, but do I really want to wipe butts and clean bed pans? (Yeah, I know it isn't all about that... But everybody has to do it starting out...) I do want to help people though. I think I could get past the nastiness and inconviences such as those, but the problem is deciding if I want to.

Why do people always wish time away? When I was young, I always wished to be older. Prayed and prayed for my 16th birthday, then my 18th, and lastly my 21st. I was full of expectiations, only to be let down. I couldn't exactly tell you what it was that I was expecting a number to change, but in my head, it was supposed to change everything. So, well, here I am, 21 years old and I still feel like I am 16. Lost and confused. Still trying to figure out who the hell I really am. Sounds so cliche, right? I'm not sure what it is that I am wanting out of my life, but it sure is a hell of a lot more than this. (Minus my marriage, of course)
I'm ready to weave a lot of people out of my life. No, I won't talk shit about them && pretend I am within good standings with them. I'll merely just distance myself away. It works out easiest that way.

Ever watched or listened to something that just set your mind into deep thought? Something that just makes you analyze everything in your life? Where you are, what your doing or in my case, what you haven't been doing, and just simply who you are, who you have become?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I've heard this question dozens of times. My current mind set is where were you 5 years ago? HAve you achieved the goals you set for yourself? Are you the type of person you wanted to be? Or are you still set in your old ways, even though you swear you've changed? If not, what are the reasons? What's holding you back? The answers usually are quite simple. And believe it or not, they are very easy to change, well, sometimes.

Double-edged swords. I despise them ever so. Decision making can be quite difficult, especially when regardless of the choice you make, there are some pretty shitty consequences. I must say, these are the times that being a kid again would be nice.

Deployment.

I found an unsent letter the hubbie had written to me while he was in basic. The time setting was very close to the end of it all, when in just a week or so, I would finally be in his arms again. It brought a rush of emotions to me. (What's new, right?) And I know I've said it before, but I do not know how I am going to get through this deployment. I remember how alone I felt. But at least I knew he was safe. I'm hearing all of these horror stories about Afghanastan && it doesn't help my overanalyzing mind. Is it bad that I am that selfish? I do not want to go through it and even more so, I don't want my husband subjected to all that he is going to be exposed to. (More than any individual should ever have to see/do) I hear from other wives how different he will be, how many habits he will pick up, and of course, how he will never be the same. I don't want that for him. I don't wish that for anybody. I watch him everyday... He's always joking, acting like a geek, laughing, smiling... Is that all going to change? What is he going to be like?... I've never been more scared of anything in my life. Ugh. What a whiner I must sound like.

I have to say I think its ironic how things play out. Being a small-town girl, I prayed and desired to move far, far away to a brand new place where everything was different. Once I got here, all I look for are things that are familiar to me. Things that remind me of home. Even the type of people that I meet here. The food. All of it. Maybe I'm not the type of person who accepts change too well? I always thought I was. Maybe its all about adjusting. I think I fight it most of the time. Not too sure why. I do it kinda inadvertantly.
I was talking to a friend yesterday. Her husband went to basic with my husband, they are in seperate companies, but hang out and talk when they can. She isn't wanting to go home during their upcoming deployment and inquired about us getting a place together here. Getting jobs, going to school, and splitting the bills. Its exactly what I truely wanted to do when I got here. Now I'm second guessing it. Not to mention the husband is dead set against it. (Granted, I understand his reasoning.) However, I just keep pondering over it. This is a once in a lifetime experience. I could always go home and visit, right? It may not seem like that big of a deal. It may even be quite simple, but we all know, I make nothing simple. I have to weigh every single pro and every single con.
I was going through Troy's packing list today. Ensuring he had every item he was going to need for his upcoming trip. And it hit me... Hard. I have exactly 4 months left with him. I realized that I am truely not ready to be without him again. I know it isn't healthy. Your husband is supposed to be a part of your life, not your entire life. But he is. He is my reason for everything. The only person that keeps me going. He is my life, my best friend, && my, well, everything. Anybody gone through a deployment? How do you get through it? I don't want my life to stop at a stand-still once again. And I know I'm the only person who has control of it, but without him here, I swear, I can't keep myself together. Or maybe I can, it's just hard. Very hard.