It has been brought to my attention, on more than one occasion, that I tend to speak without thinking. From personal experience, I know words can be brutal. However, I never thought I would be the one pulling that trigger. When and where I lost my sensitivity, I've yet to discover. Who would have thought not thinking before you speak would be such a hard habit to break? Tonight, however, I do believe I did just fine. Sometimes I wonder when is the time for me to unload and when should I keep quiet. A friend made several unnecessary comments tonight -- partially regarding things she has never experienced therefore her opinion means nothing, and the other part, was simply rude. At least when I spit off at the mouth, my words simply come out wrong and for the most part, I don't mean to sound like such a bitch. Tonight, however, I feel as if the comments were directed at me in a mean way. Oh well. I'm threw with focusing and dealing with individuals that mean nothing. Friends do not mistreat friends, right? Therefore, if she continuously disrespects me, it shouldn't be too difficult to take our "friendship" to an "acquaintance" level. Fine by me either way. I'm on a high. My world is almost back to perfect. Nothing and nobody is going to take that from me.

These past few days have been... different. I don't know how else to categorize it. My thought process isn't right... It's very off. I cannot seem to get into the swing of things. No motivation (when I have every reason to have motivation...) I just feel like I cannot dig myself out of this huge whole, instead, I just keep digging myself a little bit deeper.

I'm working on keeping my head up. I can't even say that I am so down because he is gone. Granted, it is far from the easiest thing in the world, but I have it engraved in my mind that we do not have too much longer. I'm not too sure the reason. All I'm certain of is that I do not like it. Not one bit.

Fear.

It is a very scary feeling.

Helpless.

Not being in control is something I have a very tough time handling.

Letting go of it all & placing it into God's hands. I'm working very hard on doing this. Being a control freak is a horrible trait of mine. In every aspect of my life I have to be able to plan and know the specifics of everything. Military life + those traits do not mix well together. Life in general doesn't mix too well, but when somebody else is constantly calling the shots, its even worse. I'm trying to wrap my head around & live by the Serenity prayer. I need it now more than ever.

You used to be my rock, the person who made everything okay. I admired so much about you and strived to be like you -- but you overlooked me. How was I to know how terrible things truly was? That you didn't have it together as well as I believed. I never knew the problems were so huge and awful, even then. I never would have dreamed that you would allow them to overcome you as you have. I still cannot believe how they have made your priorities change. It tears me apart inside that these "problems" you are completely aware of yet refuse to do a thing about and how you place them above everything else. I know for a fact I will never be able to forgive you nor forget what you have put the people I care most about as well as myself through -- especially since you never seem to show any remorse nor acknowledgement towards any of it.

I've decided to not follow a guide, if there is something on my mind, I'm going to vent. There's too much flowing in this head of mine. Someway, somehow I am going to have to be able to collect my thoughts and make sense of everything.

I'm lonely. Thats about the simplest way to express my current state. There's only so much time a single person can spend alone before it begins to eat at them. I miss him. The time that he has left is diminishing, but still not quickly enough to spare the tears and the emptiness inside. My little guy helps me get through everyday and while its not fair to put so much on him, he is what gets me through. That and of course, knowing this deployment isn't forever. Too bad logical thinking can't beat emotions when they get the best of you.

I've been tossing back and forth the decision to go back to work. Part of me thinks its just too soon and not worth my time. One parent is going to miss so many little moments with him, why should both of us when one of us has the choice not to? A little extra money simply isn't worth it. But then on the other hand, having a little "adult" time is a necessity to keep my sanity and the extra money would be beneficial. Oh, decisions, decisions.

I never ever could imagine how something could instantly change your entire life forever. How something could change your perspective, views, moods, & everything else so immensely. I love my little boy so much <3

August has proven to be quite interesting. Entering the last month of my pregnancy, bringing closer the day that my husband's arms are finally wrapped around me, and simply just a lot of growth. I see some things so much more clearly now, more so than I ever have. But then on the other hand, some things are just as foggy. But... its progress. & Lord knows, progress is what I need.
I've realized a lot. I run my mouth a lot. (not behind peoples backs persay, anything I have to say, I'm perfectly capable of saying face-to-face.) However, I need to grow up in ways such as that. I don't ALWAYS have to have something to say. I've always been a good listener. Sometimes I need to keep it that way. Restrict throwing in my opinion and simply listen. That's a goal for the rest of this year.
Anyways. What's been going on the past little bit? Tyler is working fast at getting here & my body simply cannot keep up. I'm exhausted 99% of the time & while I push myself, I still can't seem to get anything done that needs to be done. I am so ready for all of this stress to be OVER with.
Baby showers went wonderful thanks to some amazing individuals that I am so very blessed to have in my life. Work is being very understanding, which is always great. Being on my feet is killing me, though. Heck, being off my feet isn't much better anymore lol.
R&R is getting super duper close & I'm so very excited! I have lots planned for my hubs. Some surprises he could never ever imagine :) I'm just praying they all work out! I want his time home to be amazing!
Anywho, I've decided to restart a new challenge or as for today, just a srvey, since I'm horrible at completing them!! Ha. At least it gives me something to do on lonely nights like this one!!

A - Age - 22
B - Bed Size - Queen. Only for the time being. Please believe when it comes time for me to head back to Hawaii, a king we will be buying! The hubs may not be a big ol' guy, but he sure is a bed hog!
C - Chore you dislike - Bathrooms. Mainly because the roomie sheds like a dog haha. Within a day or so, it looks like I haven't touched a thing.
D - Dogs - Sadly, I have none. One more thing that has to wait until our return to the island.
E - Essential start to your day - Well, consistant movement & kicks in my belly for the past couple of months :)
F - Favorite color - Pink. I'm a girl, what can I say?
G - Gold or silver - Silver. WHITE gold :)
H - Height - 5'4
I - Instruments you've played - I'm musically challenged. Can't really play instruments or sing ha. But I really do want to learn to play the guitar.
J - Job title - Pharmacy Technician.
K - Kids - Tyler :) Who is due to make his appearance VERY soon!!
L - Live - Oboring, KY at the moment.
M - Mom's name - Pam
N - Nicknames - Jennie Beane, Baby Mama, Hot Mama (thanks to the roomie & the girlies at work lol)
O - Overnight hospital stays - Hmm.. delivery soon will be my one and only.
P - Pet peeves - Liars, cheaters, fake people.
Q - Quote from a movie - Hmm.. its late & I can't really think at the moment.
R - Righty or lefty - Lefty
S - Siblings - 2 AWESOME brother-in-laws, if that counts :)
T - Time you wake up - As of now, it all depends on when I have to work.
U - Underwear - Cute ones
V - Vegetables that you don't like - Spinich.
W - What makes you run late - Myself. That extra 15 minutes of sleep.
X - X-rays you've had - Plenty of my sinus cavity, chest xrays...
Y - Yummy food you make - I'm not that great of a cook, but I can make some awesome enchilladas.
Z - Zoo animals - Penguins & dolphins

How do you overcome that emptiness during deployment? I stay about as busy as I can, but anymore it just isn't enough. Maybe its just the typical excessive emotions of being almost 8 months pregnant that's making it worse. Who knows. I'm just overwhelmed with missing him. The thought of him not being here for the birth of our little boy terrifies me. I have this gut feeling that something just isn't going to go as planned. (Plans never work out, right?) And I just, I need him here. That is all there is to it. Nobody compares to him. He has the ability to calm me down, to put my mind at ease. Ugh. I know I'm having my own little pity party here. Forgive me. I just want him home, thats all.

Anyways.... for my little 30 days thingy....

Day 6

Your Favorite Quote

Day 5

Ideal Future Career

My dream has always been to work with kids. A pediatric nurse would be ideal for me. Once things calm down with my delivery and the constant moving, I plan on making this dream come true.

Day 4

A Song You Want Played At Your Wedding...

So, it may sound a little cliche, but Marry Me by Train. Something about that song just melts my heart & it always brings the hubs to my mind & a smile to my face. I can envision us dancing close & gazing into each others eyes. Haha. I kno, gag me, right??! But seriously. I just think its sweet & cute.

Day 3

Post A YouTube Video

http://youtu.be/R4eCShaB1SU

I'm not quite sure how to post the actual video on here so a link will have to do :) Anyway, this is a video/song by a fellow marine Tyler Toliver. His voice and this song has completely touched my heart, it is somewhat an encore to Carrie Underwood's Just A Dream, but from the soldier's point of view. I absolutley love it & just thought that I would share :)

Day 2

A Picture Of Your Favorite Animal

I'm quite simple. I absolutley love dogs. Yes, penguins, I love them too, but to be more practical I love doggies :)

New 30 Day Challenge :)

We shall see if I can actually keep this one up :)

Day 1 - A Picture Of The City You Were Born In

Good ol' Owensboro, Kentucky, where everything & I do mean EVERYTHING stays exactly that same year after year. It has its advantages, but the place never grows. Never does anything exciting go on in this place but I must say, there is some beautiful country to be seen here. The backroads and the peacefulness of the country I missed terribly when I moved. Not to mention all of the memories every little place here holds for me.

After being completely MIA for a while, I guess it's time for me to rejoin the whole blogging community. So much has been going on here lately, it has just been to difficult to focus on it all, let alone write about it.
Pregnancy is still going well. Bigger than ever and very much ready to bring my little man into this world. I can honestly say I'm very eager to not be pregnant anymore, although I will miss feeling his little kicks and punches.
Hubbie's still gone. It feels like so much more time has passed since I last seen him than it actually has. I miss him terribly. More and more each day, but thats normal, right?
On the upside, I've been making some very wonderful friendships since I've been back to Kentucky. Continuing to learn more and more about myself. Hopefully growing in the right direction that I need to be growing in. I truely am trying to get the most out of the time that I am here. On the days that I want to get out of bed, that is. lol.
Anywho, until next time...

MIA

This past week and a half has been nonetheless eventful & very busy... I haven't had time for too much. Not that I am complaining. I won't go into too much detail... A move is a move as well as training for work, etc... However, I do wish to ask for prayers. Not only for my husband & his platoon, but the families of the recently fallen heroes. Saturday, my husband lost 4 of his really good friends/fellow comrades due to an IED attack... The guys, needless to say, are taking this first big loss very hard & the families, I can only imagine their pain & grief. So, please, if you don't mind to take a few minutes & say a prayer for the Wolfhounds, they could use it.
Hope everybody is having a wonderful Wednesday :) I'm gonna hop off here, lots to get done & some pretty bad storms appear to be heading my way...

Wee Bit Wednesday & We Want To Know Wednesday

What profession have you always admired?
Social work & nurses... Those individuals that truely care about their patients...

What would the title of your memoir/biography be if it were written today?
"Uncertainty..." Self-explanatory.

How far do you commute to work?
Once I start work, about 10 to 15 minutes :)

Are your earlobes attached or detached?
Umm... attached? They are attached to the side of my head, ya kno...

Do you eat the unpopped kernals of popcorn at the bottom of the bag?
Nope. Gross. I'm not a big popcorn fan, either.

What is the strangest gift you've ever received?
Honestly, I haven't received anything too strange... Boring, I know... lol.

What is one tv show that you wish hadn't been cancelled?
Once & Again... (I think thats the name of it) It used to come on back in the day & I looooved it.

What is something that you are saving money for right now?
Unimportant things. I know, very smart when you have a baby on the way. Its something for the hubs & then something else for me -- kind of our gifts to ourselves for after deployment.

What hobby would you like to take up?
A little more photography would be nice. & something more athletic -- even if its just like Zumba or something.

How many times a year do you really get dressed up?
Aside from my "dressing up & looking cute" to go out, next to none. Last time would have been for an old friend's wedding a couple years ago.

If you haven't yet, you seriously need to head over & link up with these ladies!!!

http://seriously-shawn.blogspot.com/ & http://www.ourdandelionwishes.com/

questions & answers ~

1. What game show have you always thought you could be on & totally win?

Deal Or No Deal. I ALWAYS seem to do sooo much better than the contestants lol.

2. Do you have a tattoo? What are they & what made you chose them? If not, would you get one? Yes/no/why?

Currently, I don't have one. Mainly because I'm such a freaking indecisive person. I can pick & stick with a certain design that I want to keep on my body for the rest of my life. If by some odd chance I can get past my indecisiveness, I would gladly get one, however, it would have to mean something to me.

3. What is your favorite piece of jewelry that you own?

I have a few -- my Chanel earrings... love love love em!! A locket my hubs bought for me on Valentine's day this year, its to keep him near to my heart while he is gone :) A matching earring, necklace, & ring set given to me by my parents for Easter this year (simply sentimental meaning) & a beautiful necklace given to me as my very first Mother's day gift from my best sister-friend.

4. What is your driving pet peeve(s)?

In this little town, idiots that pull out in front of you, then STOP & go BELOW the speed limit... Sloooooow drivers.... People that do not know how to drive.... Hmm, dears, the list goes on and on...

5. What was your favorite sitcom growing up that you wish was still on?

All of the 90's shows -- Saved By The Bell, Family Matters, etc... I miss all of those shows!! & the cartoons!! haha. Cartoons are just not the same anymore.

Its Wednesday again :) Can't believe a whole week has already flown by! Definitley not complaining by any means :) It has been quite an eventful week... Good & bad. The hubs calls have dwindled down to nearly none. Its a hard adjustment, that is for sure. But I consider myself lucky that I did get to talk to him as much as I did. I know things are starting to get really rough out there now. A good friend of his was severely injured. He is having a tough time dealing with it. Thank God, however, that he (his friend) is going to be ok. I feel like such a horrible person. When you hear about incidents, attacks, anything, & the moment you hear that it wasn't your husband, all you feel is instant relief & while your heart/prayers go out to whoever was hurt, its still in the back of your head "I'm just glad it wasn't him..."... I don't want to feel even the tiniest bit better that somebody else was injured -- ever. I don't know, maybe I'm weird for thinking like that.

Munchkin FINALLY cooperated for the doctors & allowed them to get a perfect shot of his spine. Everything looks wonderful :) Quite a relief that was for me. However, he did decide to REFUSE a profile shot. So, no new pictures for me to send to his daddy, but that's ok. He will make his grand appearance into our lives soon enough!!

Half of the month later, our townhouse is finally ready. Starting the moving in process on Friday. I am more than excited. I have been doing a little packing. Its pretty bad when lil man has almost as much stuff as I do & he isn't even here yet lol.

I feel like there is so much more I wanted to update on, but as always, I'm pretty scatterbrained. So, anyways, happy wednesday everyone :)

Meghan Dub -- Getting To Know You

the questions --

1. How would you have described yourself in high school?
2. When you don't feel good, what do you always want to help yourself feel better?
3. When you go to bath shops, what type of flavors do you gravitate towards?
4. When at a bar, what is your drink?
5. If you go to your closet right now, what do you think is the predominant color in it it?

the answers --

1. I was the girl who could have made/had it a hellavua lot easier than I did if I wasn't so damn insecure. I was smart, not horrible looking, had a lot of interests & desires to join clubs & do things, but I was too shy, kept to myself & doubted myself way too much to do anything about it. I was always too worried that I didn't fit in to realize that I fit in just fine -- I was holding myself back, not the clothes I wore or anything else of unimportance.

2. My mom always pampered me when I was sick -- its the only time I really don't mind being taken care of. She would go to the store & pick up all of my favorite things -- whether or not I could eat them. I miss that. The hubs sucks it up & deals with it when he gets sick. I can be rather a baby when I'm sick lol. (weird, huh? its usually the other way around.)

3. I go for EVERYTHING. Bath shops I absolutley love. Fruity, foods, seasonal, sexy-like fragrances. Love em all.

4. Liquid Cocaines -- the cocktail. I've realized lots of places don't make it as a cocktail, but if you find one that does, its wonderful. That & a gummy bear :)

5. Haha. My closet looks like it overdosed with pepto-bismo. I love pink a little too much.

Expect an entry later you guys. Heading out of town to a doctors appointment with my parents. Wish us well.

Wordless Wednesday, Wee Bit Wednesday, & We Want To Know Wednesday :)

I know, I know... Maybe I'm getting a little carried away with these things... They keep me occupied a little though :) Thats a good thing, right? Don't forget to go link up if you decide to join in!!

We Want To Know Wednesday @ http://confessionsfromanimplusiveaddict.com/

1. If money didn't matter, where would your perfect vacation take place? Briefly describe?
Although I absolutley LOVE the beach, it wouldn't necassirily be my top choice anymore. I mean, after living in Hawaii, its a bit difficult to top that. My perfect vacation spot would be overseas somewhere, almost anywhere. Perhaps Italy or Brazil. A place with a completely different culture to make for a wonderful experience :)

2. What's a bad habit that you have or had that is/was hard to break?

My major not-so-good habit is cokes/caffeine. I used to be able to stop drinking them without a problem before but since I discovered I was pregnant, the cravings for them are ENDLESS, making it next to impossible to just cut them out of my diet.

3. If you weren't on a diet or counting calories, what would you have for dinner tonight?

Ok. Who's counting calories? I couldn't be on a diet even if I tried (& of course, wasn't pregnant). & the answer would have to be Mexican. mmm. I could go for some enchaladas right about now.

4. If you had the chance to interview anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would it be & what's one question that you would ask?

Marilyn Monroe. I've always been fascinated with her, not sure exactly why. I'd have to ask just simpy what it was like to live that type of life.

5. Describe yourself in 6 words.

shy, sarcastic, boring (lol), aggressive, sensitive, loving :)

Weebit Wednesdays @ http://leighashley.blogspot.com/

{one} When was the last time you used a pay phone, if ever?

Wow. Possibly before I turned 16? I haven't a clue.

{two} Did you ever fail a subject in school?

Geometry. By 2 points. I blame it on the teacher, though. I mean, doesn't it mean something when 5 or more students fail the same class by the same teacher? I re-took it with a different teacher & passed with at B+... smh.

{three} Where do you go to get your favorite hamburgers?

Steak & Shake. Ever since last summer & my issue with kidney stones (ick), I haven't been able to even go near a hamburger, for whatever reason. Buuuut, here lately I've been having some luck. & Steak & Shake is AMAZING, to me at least lol.

{four} Have you ever served jury duty?

Nope, never, thank the Lord.

{five} How old were you when you moved out of your parents' house?

18. Right after graduation. Haven't been back since.

{six} What is your favorite color to wear?

Pink. I can be a girlie-type girl, what can I say?

{seven} Do you have a pair of shoes that you wear all of the time?

Last winter, it was a pair of clogs from American Eagle. I wore those suckers out. Ever since the move to Hawaii, its been these little cheap Old Navy flip flops. I'm in love with them lol.

{eight} Do you enjoy talk radio?

I can't really say I enjoy it. While there's a show or two I don't mind listening to, they usually put me to sleep. Radio to me means music, not talking.

{nine} If you could turn one unhealthy food into a healthy one, what would it be?

Easy. Mexican. My FAAAVVVEE.

{ten} Who is the best speaker you've ever heard in person?

Hmm... I usually refrain from public speakers. I get bored way to easy.

Wordless Wednesday -- not sure who to link up to this with, if anybody knows, inform me :)

The devastating flooding in my hometown.

30 day challenge :)

~~ Day 9 ~~

Post A Picture Of Your Favorite Thing You Or Your SO Has Made And Tell What It Is.

On occasion, I'll get in the mood to put stuff together & make something yummie. This was absolutley the most delicious thing I have ever made (along with the help of my wonderful bestie, of course). Anything with strawberries as the main ingredient, I'm usually partial to. The hubs has yet to try it. Unfortunitley, I can't package it up & send it overseas to him, but I'm sure once he does get to try it, he will be in love lol.

some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love...

I think there needs to be a book, like Pregnancy for Dummies, that clearly maps out every single type of pain you can get when you are pregnant, where you get them, what they feel like, and what to be worried about. And if such a book does exist, I seriously need to be made aware of its title. I'm a worrier to begin with. First time mom's are supposed to be the worst at worrying because they do not know what to expect. Add the two together & what do you get? A frantic girl that freaks out at anything. Last night, I was experiencing what I thought was contractions or some sort of uterus pain. I was fine with it -- I know your body goes through a crap ton of changes when you are pregnant. However, the pain began to be piercing, to the point where it would literally take my breath away. 2:30 am, no one to ask, calling my doctor would have done me no good (typically, on a WORK day, it takes a good 2 hours to get a call back... off hours? haha. no telling how long it would have taken...) I had no clue what to do. I hate that feeling of just not knowing. Luckily, they relaxed a bit and I was able to sleep. After speaking with some friends today, I believe I was having round ligament pains. Yeah, something that would have been nice to know about prior to my panicking lol. At least all is good tho, and mr. munchkin is staying put for the time being.
I've been really melancholy for such a great week I've been having. The news I read over earlier today didn't make things too much better. We lost our very first soldier from this deployment a few days ago. 22 years old, the same age as me. Just starting his life. It breaks my heart. Do not get me wrong, anytime I hear about anything happening to any of our guys over there, there is a major tug at my heart, but I don't know, it was just a little different when it hits that close to home... RIP Sgt. White.
On a different note, it appears another week has been added to the time until I can move into this apartment. My patience is fading, quite fast actually. Leasing companies really tick me off. I am well aware that some things simply do not go according to plan & thats understandable, but when you post & say without hesitation that a place is available on one date, please make sure that is accurate. Don't go changing it two or three times. Just state in the beginning that you aren't entirely sure. It really isn't that hard. I'm just so ready to be in my own place already!!
Oh, and I mentioned that this little town was quite difficult when it came to hiring a little prego such as myself, well, I will gladly eat those words... Its looking like I am going to be rehired by my previous place of employment. Yes, the very one I used to complain about ALL of the time lol. I'm actually quite excited. It is a different store, a much calmer store therefore my stress level should be kept at a minimum. But its a job! I'm so tired of sitting on my butt with nothing to do. I absolutley cannot wait!!
Sugarland concert tomorrow night :) There is something about that woman's voice that gets me everytime!! I'm hoping for a wonderful night!! Very excited. I'll upload pictures & all of that goodness..
Well, that pretty well sums the past little bit up for me :) Have a good day everyone!!

day 7 & day 8

Day 7 ~ Post A Picture Of A Wonderful Friend You Have Made Because Your SO Is In The Military

I simply can't pick a single picture of a single person to put on here. Due to my hubs being in the army, I have met some AMAZING people. Granted, I have also met some iffy ones, too. But I am so thankful for those individuals that I have met. They are truely wonderful, strong, amazing women that I am blessed to know :)

Day 8 ~ Post Your Favorite Deployment Picture & Tell Why It Is Your Favorite (A Picture Of See-You Laters, Homecomings, Or Him Deployed)

Since we are still early in our deployment & I left for home a day before he left, I do not have any deployment pictures so-to-speak, not yet at least. This picture is from basic training, I figured it could count as a homecoming picture. I love it because I remember the rush of emotions I felt when he wrapped his arms around me for the first time in all of those months. It gives me hope for what I have to expect when I get to see him again :)

Deployment To A Military Wife...

You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every night, and hopes every morning for his safe return.

I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home.

I'm the girl who lies in bed, longing for him to be lying next to me.

You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him.

I'm the girl who stops and stares and wish for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by.

What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level than most.

I know the love that spans times and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for.

I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months aparts worth every second.

A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living.

You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you, I know more love in one homecoming, than most know in a lifetime.

You don't know that every time he leaves, part of me goes with him & part of him stays with me.

You tell me that people change and I tell you, true love will always remain constant and steady.

You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea.

What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation.

You don't see, but I'm one of the few wo gets goose bumps as my heart fills with pride every time that National Anthem is played.

I'm one of the girls who will stand tall and stay strong on the outside, but be dying on the inside.

I am one of those girls who will make friends with complete strangers for only they can even begin to understand what I am going through.

You don't understand that I picture his face everywhere I go and that he is with me in everything I do.

You think I don't cry anymore, that I have gotten over it, but what you don't know is that I just hide it better.

You don't know the feeling the first time you hear the word deployment or the feeling of his hand as it slides out of yours for what could be the last time.

You don't know what the last hug or kiss means and how important that goodbye truely is.

I'm the girl you see walking by with a disheartened face, staring silenty at the ground.

What you don't know is, that I know true love and that no matter what obstacles we have to face, our love will live forever, that only we know.

You tell me that you support the troops; I tell you, I'm in love with one.

I'm one of the silent, but outgoing; weak, but strong; scared, but grateful.

What you don't see is that without me, he is nothing and without him, I am nothing.

I'm one of those girls; the girl who stands tall behind her Soldier, stands proud behind her Hero, stands strong behind her man, watching silently as he serves and defends our country.

Day 6

Post A Picture Of The Base Your Man Is At & Name 5 Cool Things About That Base

1. Its in Hawaii & about 15 minutes away from the beach :)

2. You are pratically guarenteed to see dozens of rainbows in a typical week.

3. For you sushi lovers, at the commisaries & regular grocery stores, they make it fresh, right in front of you, to take home.

4. Schofield Barracks is very close to Northshore but also the mountains -- the best of both worlds :)

5. Umm, did I mention, its Hawaii?

Getting To Know You - May 1, 2011

the q's

1. Did you watch the royal wedding?

All of the coverage on this wedding honestly & truely just annoys me. Yeah, he's an important figure over there & yes, it is great that he is getting married, but really? Who needs to hear about it all day starting at 2-3 am? Its just a wedding...

2. Tea & Crumpets or Coffee & A Scone?

Coffee & a scone anyday people :) Which reminds me, its been a while since I've had either.... mmmm...

3. Who's cuter -- Prince William or Prince Harry?

Prince William, but the younger version, not so much now.

4. Can you speak in an English accent?

Haha -- nope.

5. Do you own a fancy hat?

No, but I really want one -- just to have it cuz Lord knows I'd never have a place to actually wear it to lol.

6. Would you rather live in a castle or an english cottage?

A castle, especially if it came with the servants and everything... lol.

7. How old were you when Princess Diana and prince Charles got married? Were you even born?

I'm pretty sure I wasn't even thought of yet.

8. Have you found your prince?

Yes, I met & snagged him 3 years ago & never will I let him go :)

This upcoming week is crammed full of stuff. I will definitley been kept occupied. <3 it. lol. Moving into my new place any day, still car shopping (i'm too flipping picky!!), Sugarland concert Thursday, baby shopping Monday... I love when I have a busy week. If only I just had a job... I really feel like I'm not doing anything to contribute to, well, anything. I've always worked. Since I was 16 years old -- I worked for every single thing I owned. Even though I know the hubs wanted nothing more than to provide for his family, which he is successfully doing, it makes me feel... lazy. I'm just not accustomed to it, nor do I ever think I will be. If only people around this small stinkin' town didn't mind hiring someone who is pregnant, that would be awesome.

Hope everyone has had a wonderful week :) And once again, I've missed 2 days, so here they are :)

Day 4 ~ Post A Picture Of The Family He Had To Leave Behind To Protect His Country

I'm going to post his more immediate family vs. going into his brothers, parents, etc....

Day 5 ~ Post A Picture Of The Branch That He Is In And List Your Favorite Thing About Him Being In The Military

The army has made us very strong, one thing I love almost as much as I hate it. (distance makes the heart grow fonder, army provides distance, you get the irony...) My favorite thing about the military is the places it allows you to see & the people it allows you to meet -- all of which without it, you would probably never experience.

You Just Call Out My Name & I'll Come Running...

Highlights of my day: spoke with my wonderful husband & felt my lil man kick :)

Day 2 ~ Post a picture of you and your so being silly

Day 3 ~ Post a random picture of how you met & tell the date that you met. Did you know then that you'd be where you are with him today?

We met through friends maaaaaaany years ago. You know, at those cool, underage parties? Yup. Those would be the ones. I don't remember the exact date. But then a few years passed by, we both grew up a little & talked more. I always thought he was VERY attractive & apparently he thought the same about me, that lil connection was always there but the timing was never right. We were both in serious relationships and well, you get the picture. I never thought that we would be more than friends, however. Not that I never wanted to be, just didn't feel as if we were too compatible. I'm so happy I was wrong :)

You Are Not Alone Tonight... Imagine Me There By Your side...

I've been doing just fine these past couple of days. Honestly, I have. However, there's this feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach that something isn't right. I've gotten the privilege of speaking to that wonderful man in my life several times recently & I can hear it -- in his voice. He's not okay. I know he misses home & feels as if he is missing out on a lot when it comes to Tyler & this pregnancy, but I also know my husband. I know his voice, how he talks... Its beyond that. And I'm worried. Lord, knows I don't know all that he is going through over there & I cannot imagine the toll is has to be taking on him, but I'm just hoping I'm wrong, just this once & that I am reading too deep into nothing...

But anyways, I'm starting a new 30 day challenge... I didn't fully read into all of the questions of the one I was previously doing & well, the rest of the days, the questions are kinda real dumb lol. So here goes, its a lil different :)

Day 1 - Post a picture of your SO & list 10 facts about him :)

1. He is the most giving, kind-hearted person I know, once you get past his hard exterior.

2. His love for his family runs deep.

3. He doesn't let people get too close.

4. He is anything but selfish. He cares most about providing for his family. He puts himself last, even when he shouldn't.

5. He sings. All the time. Random songs. In the shower, in the car, doesn't matter.

6. He has an undying love for motorcycles.

7. Exploring nature. Get him around a beach with little creatures or a lake or just around any type of creature period & he is like a big kid. (who am I kidding? he's ALWAYS a big kid lol)

8. He doesn't give himself enough credit. (but lucky for him, thats what I'm there for :) )

9. He loves jui jitsu & is pretty damn good at it.

10. He's headstrong & determind.

day 10 & happy easter :)

So, my day was entirely brightened as I received a phone call from my hubs today :) Its amazing how simply hearing his voice makes everything right in my little world for the moment.

Our little Easter family get together was rather small today. A bit disheartening. But seeing those that I did see was quite nice :) Hope everybody had a wonderful day as well!

Day 10 - A Picture Of What You Wore Today

Originally, it was just a picture of my baby bump, but slap on some jeans & vwahl-la :)

30 day challenge -- days 7,8,9 && sigh...

So, I've been slacking. its a shame i want to do this little challenges, but i'm such a scatterbrain, i always forget....
These past few days have actually been quite wonderful. road trip on friday, girls' "date" night tonight... lots and lots of catching up... i absolutely love my friends. they are such amazing people. but all the while I just don't feel like myself. For whatever reason. Maybe I'm lonely, maybe I'm just full of self-pity. Maybe I'm just reconsidering and re-evaluating way too many aspects of my life. Who knows?... There is so much running through this brain of mine... And I'm simply not thrilled with where my thoughts are leaving me. Lost and confused. Not very comforting. It can't be natural to feel this unsure about things... Not after this long. Ugh. I wish things could be simple and clean-cut sometimes. Life's funny, isn't it?
Anywho, enough with all of that... On to the challenge...

Day 7 ~ If you were trapped on a desert island, who would be with you & what limited 2 items would you two have?

Hmm... The hubs, of course, would be with me. I'm going to assume construction supplies and a boat are off-limits. So... hunting gear? a fishing pole, insect repellent?

Day 8 ~ Describe your perfect date...

If I happened to be back on the dating scene, as great as the whole "romantic dinner & a movie" sounds to some people, it sounds blahhh to me. I want to enjoy what we do. I want something different -- something that brings out our personalities and what we enjoy, who we are... So, simply, something exciting -- anything non-cliche.

Day 9 ~ Write the differences between you and your best friend....

Its very simple. I'm very quiet & reserved. My bestie is all but that. Our values are the same as well as most of our standpoints. She is very secure, I am not. She has her head on straight, mine continously spins out of control... I'm sure you are seeing the pattern here...

Night all.

really wish this feeling would go away. i know i do NOT need to read too deep into anything. bc everything i'm thinking it is, more than likely its not. deployments are like this. communication sucks sometimes. he's going through stuff, i'm going through stuff, sometimes its just brief and lackthereof. it just hurts. i'd just prefer anything over this. :(

30 day challenge - day 6

Post a picture that makes you happy.

Seeing my precious baby boy sends emotions through me that I can't even begin to describe. I am so anxious to bring him into this world that I can't see straight! This pretty well ties into Worldless Wednesday as well, which works perfectly for me. Y'all have a good night :)

wee bit wednesday

Today has been one of those blah, emotional type days. I had my ultrasound this morning with the company of my wonderful & amazing father & best friend. It showed our lil munchkin to be doing wonderful :) He's so active & as silly as it sounds, seeing him bouncing around in my belly, he already reminds me of his daddie. I am so thankful for the support system I have here. Never I am truely alone -- I was blessed with specific individuals in my life who are always by my side... However, today, laying on that table in that room, the blue-goo pasted on my belly, I felt a little beside myself. Granted, I always feel an overwhelming burst of happiness/giddiness when I see my little man, just today something was missing. Someone. Some days are easier than others. I can pretend he is just away or whatever helps at that time, but days like today, his absence is hard. Going through this pregnancy without him physically by my side hurts. I wish more than anything that he was here. It would make things so much better... But enough with that... Things such as this as those that I cannot change... I can't dwell on the fact that he isn't here, I can only be thankful that he is somewhere & that we are allowed to communicate -- that counts for something, right?



Well, anyways, for a change of subject... Another new little thing I found... Go over to http://www.myleighashley.com/ & link up :) Her page is pretty cute as well!!




















{one} How often do you do laundry?
Back when the hubs was home & I was on a normal routine, usually about once a week. Now that it is just me & of course, once lil man makes his grand appearance, I'm sure all of that will change.

{two}What is your favorite type of cookie?
Omg... I am craving cookies now!!! I loooooove cookies :) All different kinds, shapes, & sizes, but my all time favorite has to be the good ol original ooey gooey choco chip :)

{three}What would you do with an extra 2000 a month?
Save it. Pay off whatever bills that needed to be paid off & after that, in the bank it would go.

{four}What is/was your favorite subject in school?
If you count the "extra" courses you were allowed to take, photography was my fave :) but out of the normal curriculam, English. I didn't mind to read & all of the other stuff just came naturally to me. Or History. I'm a big history nut, well, I guess I wouldn't go as far as to say that, but I certainly never cared to learn about past events. Life back in the day always interested me.

{five}Have you ever ridden in a hot air balloon?
This would be a no. However, I would absolutley LOVE to!!! If given the chance, the hubs and I will definitley have to at some point.

{six}What was your high school mascot?
Black panther

{seven}If you had the chance to go into space, would you?
The idea of going into space in THEORY is awesome & I would love to, but in reality, no. Not only does it take FOREVER to get into space, the process is actually very hard on a human being. And I'm not a skeptic, but what if something happened once you got there? Ran out of fuel or crashed? I don't think so.... lol.

{eight}How often do you go dancing?
Never! I'm actually disappointed because. Hubs isn't big on the bar scene nor the club scene. And the VERY few times we do go out, other guys always seem to be a little inappropiate or grabby with me (I do NOT provoke it, just to throw that out there...) & well, you simply get the picture..

{nine}Would you rather drive or fly?
DRIVE!!! Loooooong drives and the music blaring from the radio, there is NOTHING like it. Not to mention the scenery along the way!! Granted it takes twice as long, but during that extra time is where you make the most memories!!

{ten}Have you ever been caught re-gifting?
Never have I re-gifted!!

30 Day Challenge - Day 5

Name somebody you would like to trade lives with for a day and why.

My great-grandmother Munsell. She was an incredible woman who lived for her family. She endured so much during her lifetime -- physical and emotional abuse, hard life on the farm, the great depression.... However, she expressed so much strength. I feel so weak at times simply by being so alone but my life is nowhere near as bad as it could be. Women, like my great-grandmother, who go through more than any human being ever should have to, and decide not to let it bring them down and allow themselves to still thrive inspire me. If only I could obtain that strength and courage. She was a remarkable woman.

Hmm... today I really don't have any vents or well, much to say. It has been one of those not-so-good, not-so-bad, in-between days. Got to facebook chat with my amazing hubs tho, that was definitley a plus :) Its so crazy how a single individual can make your entire morning light up just simply by talking to you -- even over an im screen :)

30 day challenge - Day 4

What was the last movie you watched? Write about it.

Ok. So most of you will think I'm silly. I just got back from my bestie's house & we like to have our little "disney" nights. Therefore, the last movie I watched was The Rescuers Down Under. lol. As I kid, it seems like I was deprived of so many disney movies. Heck, I had never seen Cinderella until a couple of months ago & thats a classic haha. Anywho, there's not much to go into on what it was about hence its a cartoon -- a little boy gets kidnapped so a bird & 3 little mice go to rescue him. They rescue him. The end :)

I do believe I am going to call it a night. One day down this week, 6 more to go :)

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

Write about your top ten pet peeves.

1. Lying. I absolutley, positively CANNOT stand when people lie. This underlying annoyance that I have with it I believe originated with the fact that during the past however many years of my life, I have been surrounded by several individuals who do nothing but lie. Huge lies. And the sad part, I believe that they have lied SO much that they honestly start believing their own stories. Either that or they reached too many points where they couldn't distinguish who they told what story/lie to and they would tell off on their very own lies. Its just sad. Granted, I've said/done things that I don't necassirily want/like owning up to, but its a part of life & adulthood.

2. Dead-beat fathers (& mothers). Yes. Another big issue of mine, again caused by too many of them that have crossed my path through very close friends over the years. If your man/woman enough to have sex & conceive a child, be man/woman enough to raise them RIGHT. Period. Its as simple as that.

3. Overgrown "little" boys. Let me clarify this term. In the town I am from, it appears these "little" boys aka 23-25 year old boys are everywhere. Partying is the priority. And if its not partying, its Xbox. Yes, flipping Xbox. They see nothing wrong with sitting on their hind-ends all day long, glued to a pathetic video game all the while doing NOTHING with their lives. No jobs. Still living at home with mommie and/or daddie. No cars. Its sickening. (Yes, I personally know some of these individuals. I want to slap them into reality more than anything.)

4. Hair pulling. Ok, my hubs is the KING at doing this and it drives me up the wall. Eyelash itching him? Why rub it? Just rip the hair right out. Hair thats a little darker on his arm? Leave it alone because its not that noticeable? Heck no, rip it out as well. It makes me cringe! I can't stand it.

5. Singing ABOVE the radio. Again, this is something the hubs has MASTERED. Whether he is singing along to the right lyrics or making up his own, no way will we be driving down the street without him belting out something. (Mind you, it can be in a normal voice or weird ones as well.) (I will add tho, now that he isn't here, I miss it...)

Ok. So, I'm sure there are many more things that could fall into this list, however, my mind is an absolute blank. 5 pet peeves surely is enough :)

There's A Time To Listen, A Time To Talk, And You Might Have To Crawl Even After You Walk...

Today has been fairly productive. Got started bright and early. Mind you, my to-do-list at the moment (hence being restricted from bigger things due to it being the weekend) was trivial things, but they needed to be done :) Breakfast with the family. That was very nice. Our family doesn't get together that often, not like we should. Its so nice when we do take "family time" though. Went shopping for care packages. I'm pretty sure the hubs is almost all set. Got my little easter theme going. I'm actually a little excited :)

My grandparent's 58th wedding anniversary was this weekend. I sat back and watch them -- they are as in love as ever & it just tugs at my heart. I hope that the hubs and me are that lucky and blessed that we can still be as we are now that many years from now :) Anywho, Happy Anniversary Gma/Gpa :)

It is Sunday, so as always, here's to MannLand5's getting to know you :)

the q's & a's :)

1. What's something that you have eaten and liked, but didn't think that you would?

Hmm.. On account that I am a VERY picky eater when it comes to trying new foods (even though I really do TRY to be open-minded about things), there's not too many odd things I've tried. Sushi would definitley be at the top of my list. Never ever would I have thought it would be one of my guilty pleasures, but it definitley turned into that. Another would be shrimp chips. Yes, SHRIMP chips. (There is possibly another "formal" name for them, but I wouldn't happen to know what that name is.) Since the hubs is part phillippino, he likes A LOT of off the wall things that just aren't heard of (to me, I mean.) He picked these things up and I thought he'd lost his mind when he started chomping down on them. I was sure he had lost it when he tried to get me to at least taste one. Granted, they aren't a favorite or anything like that, they aren't half-bad.

2. Plastic surgery -- yay or nay?

I'm all for it. If you have the financial means to do so then by all means, do it. You want a bigger chest? Have at it. A different nose? Why not? However, I'm not all for the people who overuses plastic surgery or the individuals that have procedures done for the wrong reasons. (Yes, I do believe there are RIGHT reasons for getting cosmetic procedures done, even boobie implants lol.) Do I think you should be comfortable and happy with what the Lord above gave you? Certainly. But it is surprising what a little enhancing can do to ones self-esteem. Granted, it shouldn't take something like this to make you feel better about yourself, but if it does and will, then why not?

3. 2 things you love about spring are?...

The fact that its almost summer :) (without the intense heat!) The storms spring brings are my favorite. I sleep so soundly during this time of year lol. & of course, the liveliness of everything -- the green grass, the blooming flowers and trees. Its so uplifting after evil winter leaves.

4. When's the last time you went on a picnic?

Wow. I don't even remember its been that long!! I may have to change that once the hubs comes home, either for r&r or for good :)

5. What's your favorite app?

I'm assuming this is referring to the Iphone or something similiar, I would say facebook since I am on it 99.9% of the time (sad, I know.) but I absolutley HATE the facebook app for the IPhone, its absolutley HORRIBLE! With that being said, it would have to be my Pandora radio app. Commercial-less music whenever I want it? I think yes!

6. Who does the grocery shopping in your house?

Me. Always me. Even if the hubs is with me, I'm stuck pushing the cart & filling it, while he trails behind or in front lol.

7. Would you rather take a spin class or zumba?

I'm all for some Zumba, although I've never gone. It looks/sounds like so much fun!!

8. How often do you go out to dinner?

Waaaaaay too often. This will change however once I am settled in my new apartment. (That I'm praying the bestie & I get approved for this week. "Cross fingers & say a prayer for us")

Its already Saturday, well, technically, almost Sunday :) This excites me. Another week down, another week closer to being reunited with my wonderful soldier!! I received my first phone call from him since he arrived at his last and final destination. I was relieved to hear that he is doing ok and how even though you couldn't possibly described the place as "nice", all of the awful things we were hearing about it wasn't entirely true. As of now, at least.

Easter is right around the corner! It astounds me how quickly these past few months have flown by (well, for me). Next Saturday will be the hubs and my very first wedding anniversary :) Even though we have spent the majority of our first year apart, it has been the best year of my life & I am looking forward to so many more.

Well, I have quite an early morning tomorrow so goodnight & God bless :)

30 Day Challenge : Day 2

2. Post your favorite song and why you like it.

Music is my life you guys. I'm constantly listening to something. If I'm sad, I have my playlists to listen to that either matches my mood or helps brighten my days. If I'm happy, well, you get the picture :) So, this one is a little tough for me. Since the hubs and I are going through our first deployment, I picked Gunslinger by Avenged Sevenfold. Out of every possible song, this just stood out to me while I was trying to narrow my selections now. Look up the lyrics and you all should understand. It helps me to imagine how he is feeling -- all that he is/will experiencing, visually, emotionally, all the while fighting will all his might to make it home to me... I don't know, I simply love it :)

30 Day Challenge Day 1

I'm discovering all of these challenges and things like them on the internet. I'm seeing a lot more of them now than ever so I decided to just start some. Answer some random questions, write about specific topics... Couldn't hurt to pass some time, right? And who knows? Maybe it will help to get some of my thoughts in order.

1. Write about your best friend.

In life you are very fortunate to have a handful of TRUE friends. I've had my share of convience friends or simple acquantances, but throughout the past couple of years, there's been a select few who have truely stood by my side and been there through thick and thin. I am truely blessed to have 2 girls in my life who have earned the title of my best friend(s). These girls I honestly do not know what I would do without. They are the very best support system a girl could ask for.

Wordless Wednesday

Something that always pulls at my heart... The feeling of being in his arms. The overall knowledge of how each and every woman feels when being reunited with their loves after a long period of seperation. Takes my breath away each and every time. (Ok, so maybe not soooo wordless :P)

Everyday is a new day. That is the only way you can look at it. It can bring in wonderful things or well, not so wonderful things. You are going to have your ups and downs. Some days you may smile when inside you are falling apart. Other days you may smile and really mean it. And thats ok. Its ok to be happy and hell, its ok to cry. Just realize that this is only temporary. As long as 6 months or 7 or a year seems (& most of the time, it DOES seem like an eternity), it is not forever. He WILL come home. Things WILL be normal again. You WILL get past this milestone. I am doing everything possible to remind myself of that everyday. Especially on those "downer" day, like today. I woke up this morning, instantly on the verge of tears. (Still I am not able to distinguish pregnancy hormonal-ness from simply being emotional and missing him.) He hasn't made it to his very last destination yet but should be there rather soon. Hence, communication will soon be cut to the very minimum, if not completely. (Yes. I know. Be thankful I'm even getting to hear from him. Which I am, by the way.) I would love to talk to him more, but the occasional text that I've been receiving since he left is just very comforting and well, very much looked forward to. And it pulls at my heart more and more knowing that I'm going to have to give that up. Granted, I know it comes with the territory. I just don't have to like it. It makes the fact that he really isn't here, well, suck. On a bright note, I've made it half-way! On my pregnancy, that is. Ultrasound next week. I'm so excited to see my lil man again -- only this time, he will be a bit bigger :) I can't believe how quickly those first 5 months flew by. If only these next 4 would do the same. I'm beginning to get impatient. (Yes. Already. I know... I'm in for it.) But I'm ready to meet him -- face to face, hold him, spoil him :) For now, however, I'll enjoy my sleep (or should I say, the very little sleep that I do receive.)

Mornings like these are the worst. I just can't get it together. I feel like a complete and total emotional wreck.

-- You'll Be On My Mind Wherever I Go --

Today has definitley been one of the better days I've had. The past few have been a tad bit rough, but hey, rough days happen. Thank God for the wonderful people in my life, they get me through so much more than they ever could realize. I've got a little bit to write, but it'll have to come later... Baby Tyler is making me super sleepy tonight :) I love these little weekly things, so here goes from MannLand 5 :)

the q's & a's --

1. Do you watch/read the news?

I try to avoid it as much as possible but sometimes it is just easier said than done.

2. How would you describe your "look"?

Honestly, pretty plain. As much as I want/try to change it up, I feel like I dress and look just about the same as I did my senior year of high school... (about 3 years ago.)

3. Did you play sports in high school/college?

I'm was and am waaay to athletically challenged to play any sports recreationally more less for a team. I'm not too coordinated.... Ok, I'm not coordinated at all lol.

4. Would you rather give up lip stick/gloss or high heels?

I really don't wear much of either. Now, if flip flops or chapstick were the options, then it would definitley be a toss up lol.

5. What's your favorite show to watch on tv?

I've got a few... Army Wives (haha.. who woulda guessed right?!) Teen Mom (whether it annoys me or not) and Law And Order SVU (reruns or new).

6. Would you rather bake or cook?

Baking is the best... I love sweets waaaaay too much & when I think of baking, sweets are what comes to mind. The cooking part I'm really trying to work on. My bestie & I are getting a place of our own soon -- I'm bound and determind to me one heck of a cook by the time the hubs gets home!!

7. Shorts or skirts?

Shorts. Definitley shorts. I told you, I'm more of a simple type of girl.

8. What's your favorite scary movie?

Ha. A few years ago I could have answered this one easily. I've become a skeerdie-cat when it comes to scary movies now... But I'd have to say the newer Amityville Horror -- Ryan Reynolds shirtless for roughly 2 hours, I mean, seriously?!

Thats all for tonight :) Night everyone!

What do YOU do to keep busy during these awfully long deployments? Having a job or going to school are always nice, but what about the rest of your day?

I am not lucky, I am blessed. It's a fact that I am realizing more and more as each day passes. Not all get to have the experiences that I do -- to know all that love has to offer, to know the true meaning of happiness. And right now, more and more, I'm seeing how happy I am -- how all of those twists and turns along the way these past few years, have brought me to where I need to be. Also, how they made me grow and learn so I could honestly appreciate and be aware of what I have. I am very priveleged to be able to say I married my best friend -- nobody knows me better than he does & nevre have I felt as comfortable, safe, & secure as I do with him (not to mention all of the lovey-dovey feelings that still exist :) ) I've just been spending the day reflecting. It's been one of those kinds of days. I'm somewhat taken aback by how much has changed over the years. 3 years ago, the army certainly wasn't in mind for our future nor was having a baby so soon. Friends that I always thought would be there slowly slipped away and/or showed some true (& awful) colors. I realized, also, that as good of a friend that I always try to be, I need to learn to be better -- to learn forgiveness and to be open/honest with not just others, but myself as well. I need to learn that I'm not going to always agree with others and how they live their lives but at the same time, they may not exactly approve of all the decisions I make myself -- life & friendship isn't about judging -- its about joining along for the ride. Everybody is different. Thats another thing -- I've learnt that there is still so much I do not know about myself and I've opened my eyes as to how much that fact scares me. I've got to get out there and give myself the opportunity to find out who I am & what I'm really about. That opens a huge goal for me this upcoming year. And I plan on putting every effort into successfully completing it. I feel like I have so much weighing on my mind. Ever feel like you just can't think clearly? Like everyday is just a blur? I have so many jumbled thoughts and emotions -- I feel like I need a filing cabinet to sort them all out. I feel like I bottle way too much up inside and just push it to the back of my mind -- planning on confronting and sorting it all out at a later date or perhaps, just forgetting about things altogther. Sadly, that just gets me into funks, like today. Anywho, as always, I've been browsing other wives' blogs and found this survey & for whatever reason, I always have to fill them out :) Military Wifey Survey -- from Simplysteele.blogspot.com

1. How long have you been a military wife? Will hit my one year mark in May

2. What branch of service is your husband? Army

3. Active/Reserve? Active Duty

4. What is his job? 11-Bravo, Infantryman

5. How many deployments have you gone through? We are in the beginning of our very first :(

6. Camo or Dress uniforms on your man? I'm a sucker for the camo's :)

7. What do you like about being a military wife? I love the opportunities that the military provides. Traveling, meeting new people...

8. Do you live on base? Not currently, but we sort of did -- it was a military reservation & it wasn't too great...

9. What is your favorite base so far? We still have the remainder of the deployment + another year at our first duty station -- Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.

10. What is the hardest part of the military life? The long seperations, the hurry up and wait, their unorganized ways...

11. Do you go to the grocery store or Commissary? Since we live(d) on the island, the commissary was definitley the way to go -- spend 4.00 on a gallon of milk on post or 7 off post... I'm sure you get what I'm saying...

12. Do you work or stay at home? I'm a housewife at the moment -- looking for a job though :) until the baby is born that is, then I will be taking more time off obviously

13. Do you have a lot of military wife friends? I wouldn't say a lot -- but I do have a few that are absolutley amazing :)

14. Do you prefer Walmart or the BX/PX/NEX/MCX? The NEX is the best place to go in Hawaii. Schofield's BX/PX isn't awful, but the NEX has so much more to offer & is so nice :) (Walmart in HI is awful, btw... 4 isles at most for groceries and most everything is overpriced -- well, over priced from what I am used to in good ol' Kentucky lol)

15. How did your husband propose? This was truely the very first time I have ever seen my hubs nervous. Back when we first met, he had a motorcycle & we rode everywhere -- country roads, down to the river, you get the picture. We had this nice little spot that was "ours" we always went to -- whether to talk, watch the stars, or what not... Well, on our 2 years anniversary, he took me to a nice dinner and then took me there. I was so oblivous to what he was doing that I didn't even notice him fidgeting and asking all of these really serious questions about our future. The next thing I know, he turned me around with a ring in his hand, and asked if I would spend my life with him :) My answer well, is a lil obvious!!

16. Did you marry him after he joined or before? Before.

17. How long have you been together? March of 2008

18. Any kids? Our first little munchkin is expected to arrive in September of this year :)

19. Any kids yet to come? ^^^^^^^^^

20. Is your husband one of those "I am soldier hear me HOOAH" kind of guys? When he first enlisted, I truely thought he was going to be.. He went into the recruiters station, "I want to go to Airborne & Ranger school... I wanna look into Special Forces..." You get the picture...But after the fact, he actually calmed down. Granted he is very proud of what he does (as am I), he isn't that way at all.

21. Have you ever done combatives with your husband? Haha yes.

22. How many bases have you lived at? Just one

23. If you could change one thing about the military? The length of deployment (haha -- very unlikely, huh?)

24. Do you like military balls? The military ball was one thing I was really looking forward to. However, about a month before we got to Hawaii, Schofield had theirs, so we missed it. I'm hoping to attend one after deployment.

25. Where does your family live? Kentucky

26. What do you do for a job? Just a housewife at the moment

27. Have you ever gotten in a fight with an NCO's wife? Luckily I haven't had to deal with any drama wives & hopefully I won't have to. 28. Name one thing you do when your husband is gone. Right now, I'm preparing for our baby & getting care packages together for him :) Other than that, just STAY busy.

29. Do you think other wives do that too? What else can you do when your hubs is so far away? To keep your sanity, you have to stay busy.

So far, I think I'm keeping a pretty good outlook on things. Granted, we haven't gotten too far at all into the deployment, but I'm doing better than expected. Once I get the apartment & have more time to myself, I'm sure things will unravel a bit more -- when you are alone, you think more & you have way more time to worry -- but I'm not looking that far ahead. One day at a time, right? & today, well, was a good day :) I promise to try to keep all of the "this is so hard, I don't think I can do this, I miss him too much..." pitty posts to a minimum. I know there are many of you wonderful ladies who have survived and/or are surviving this very same things therefore I am relieved to know it is possible :) Just some days, as you all know, are a lot better than others.

I left today. I can't even put into words how heartbreaking it was. Saying goodbye can be quite painful, but this hurt unlike anything I have ever felt before. The entire day, a huge lump remained in my throat and all one had to do was mention what was to come in a matter of hours and the tears would promised to come. The ride to the airport was quiet and tense. The goodbye was awful. Feeling his arms around me and knowing it was going to be the last time I felt his embrace for a very long time was overbearing. I didn't want to let him go. I know I looked like a crazy woman -- going through security, heading towards my gate, constantly looking over my shoulder, feeling his eyes on me as I walked away -- myself in tears each time. Seeing the pain on his face as he himself tried not to cry was worse than any of it. I must have broke down into tears a dozn times on the way to my gate -- onlookers staring at me like I was derranged or something. Now, Im just waiting. Waiting for this emptiness and constant need to cry to pass. Lord knows missing him will not get easier, but hopefully passing the time will. I'm already counting the days until we will together again -- til our little family can be, well, a family. Please keep him and his unit unit in your thoughts and prayers.

MILspouse Friday Fill-In #35

Surprise, surprise I'm a day late at doing this, but here goes anyway :)

1. What is your must have gadget?

Its simple -- my Iphone. When the things came out, I couldn't stand them. Now, I use mine for everything.

2. How does your adult life compare to what you imagined it would be like when you were a little kid?

To put it lightly, my life is nothing like what I thought it would be. Granted, I always dreamt of getting married & having kids but I pictured college first & the military definitley wasn't included in the equation. However, I can't say that I regret a thing. A few things I would do a little differently aka school, but I can honestly say I have no regrets.

3. What is your favorite chocolate recipe?

I'm a sucker for no-bake cookies, so for now I'll put that. I'm currently working on my baking/cooking skills -- which need MAJOR work :) (one thing I intend on improving during this deployment)

4. How do you deal with military life when it gets to be too much or too hard?

There isn't a real cookie-cutter answer for this. My "too hard" days are just now beginning, therefore I'm still learning. I just plan on taking things one day at a time -- screaming if I need to, crying, laughing, whatever it is that may temporarily make me feel a little bit better.

5. What piece of advice would you give a new Military spouse facing their first deployment?

Hmm... Give me a year or so. I'll get back to you on this.

I'm in a funk.
This week has simply been a funk. I had one good day. Fully motivated & all. Ever since, I've been nothing but blah. It really needs to be publicized how crazy pre-deployment can make one. On top of hormones, I feel like a crazy woman. On cloud 9 one moment, sulking the next. Whoo. It'll get better I know. My biggest issue is I need to deal with things better -- more positive. That's my newest goal. We will see how it works out. Somethings just feel bigger than me & at times, its a whee bit overwhelming.

Anywho, I found the following on MannLand5's site & thought it would be fun to start so here goes :)

The Q & A --

1. If you won the title of Miss America, what would your platform be?
This one is a toughy -- there's a lot I stand for. But I'm going to go traditional & practical -- world peace. How many problems would that seriously solve?
2. Outdoorsy or indoorsy?
A mixture of the two -- if it's warm outside, I'm up for practically anything outdoorsy... If it's cold, you can forget it.
3. Pajama's out in public... classy or tres tacky?
I'm going to go with tacky on this one -- even if I'm semi-guilty of it on one occasion or another.
4. Nook, kindle, book?
At the moment, just a good ol' book. Buuuut I'd really love to try out the nook. :)
5. Would you rather wear the same outfit for a week or not brush your teeth for a week?
Hmm.. Depending on my activities, prolly the same outfit. I cannot handle not brushing my teeth or taking a shower.
6. What's your favorite blog at the moment?
Take A Walk With Me -- Sara Milo
7. Lately I've been daydreaming about....?
My soldier's homecoming (even though he hasn't quite left yet...) & the arrival of our baby boy... Hence the day when we will all 3 be together & be able to be a family. Its only 365 + days away... Only...